Page 2/The Battalion/Thursday, February 26, 1987
Opinion
Amerikans aren’t that stupid
Despite all the
publicity and con
troversy, the first
part of the mini
series “Amerika”
only managed to
place seventh in
the Nielson rat
ings last week.
The other epi
sodes didn’t even
crack the top 20. It
seems Amerikans
aren’t as dumb as ABC had hoped they
were.
Of the 87.4 million Amerikan homes
with TVs, only 21.6 million homes
tuned in to get a glimpse of life in the
Soviet-controlled United States of 1996.
Less than one-fourth of the TV viewing
public wanted to see Kris Kristofferson
and his friends being sent to a Nebras
kan gulag for saying the Pledge of Alle
giance to the flag of the United States of
Amerika.
After the first episode of “Amerika,”
most everyone was so bored with ABC’s
$35 million, right-wing nightmare that
they were ready to get back to “The
Cosby Show,” “Family Ties,” “Cheers”
and reruns of “Gilligan’s Island.”
Almost everyone was disappointed
with “Amerika.” Those wanting excite
ment and violence didn’t get much ex
cept a few helicopters zooming around.
Those wanting patriotism and pride
didn’t get much except a few mumbled
speeches about how great the country
used to be. Those wanting romance and
sex didn’t get much unless they turned
off the TV and went to bed early.
“Amerika” wasn’t a terribly original
idea. In 1956, Jack “just the facts.
Ma’am” Webb narrated the hilarious
“Red Nightmare,” also known as “The
Commies are Coming! The Commies
are Coming!”
The Defense Department funded this
film about a man who finds himself liv
ing in a Soviet-controlled town. After
being forced to spend all day slaving at a
factory, our hero comes home to find
his wife and kids have turned him in to
the party for treason against the state.
He is tried, convicted and executed be
fore Webb comes back to tell us that we
are all that is preventing communism
from consuming the Free World. All
that’s missing is an appeal from Sen. Jo
seph “are you now or have you ever
been” McCarthy and his faithful side-
kick, then Vice President Richard “Me-
morex” Nixon, telling us to support
HUAC or else you’re a commie-pinko-
pervert who doesn’t deserve to be free.
In 1984, “Red Dawn” did fairly well
at the box office. “Red Dawn” was the
story of the joint Russian-Cuban inva
sion of the Midwest. Only C. Thomas
Howell and a bunch of other talentless
high school kids were able to stop the
Commies from getting all the wheat in
Kansas.
If you’re into fantasy films, “Red
Nightmare,” “Red Dawn” and “Ameri
ka” might suit your tastes — if it weren’t
for the bad acting, bad scripts and bad
direction. It takes a long stretch of the
imagination to think the Soviets could
defeat the great United States of Amer
ica while the Russian bear has been bur
ning its paws trying to hold on to a
dinky, little, backward country called
Afghanistan. It’s hard to believe a
strong country — one that has enough
nuclear weapons to make the Earth look
like a burnt burrito — would fall to the
hands of the Russians so easily, while a
weaker country — one that has given
the world nothing but stupid-looking
dogs — could kick Bolshevik butts for
breakfast.
If you’re into films that deal with real
ity, check out the new mini-series called
“McNicaragua.”
“McNicaragua” tells the story of a
little, South American country that has
been invaded by a group of terrorists
called Contras. Although the people of
Nicaragua had, with the help of Ame
rika, freed themselves from the
dictatorship of Gen. Anastasio Somoza-
Debayle in 1979, Somoza’s friends re
formed as the Contras and began at
tacking the people of the new, popu
larly-elected government.
Amerika, the same country that
funded the overthrow of Somoza, began
funding the overthrow of the new gov
ernment. Despite the fact that a large
amount of the money sent to the Con
tras could not be accounted for, Presi
dent Ronnie “I helped McCarthy get rid
of all the Commies in Hollywood” Rea
gan wanted to send them more because
the people of Nicaragua had elected a
Marxist government. It’s nice that you
can choose your own form of govern
ment as long as it is the right form.
Thanks to Ronnie, a nice little war was
brewed up in South America for all of
those who were too young to enjoy Viet
nam.
“Red Nightmare,” “Red Dawn” and
“Amerika” are fantasy. “McNicaragua”
is real. Amerika already has spent more
than $150 million on the making of a
mini-series that could last for several
years.
Karl Palhneyer is a journalism grad
uate and a columnist for The Battalion.
Why teachers play hooky
Recruiting sea
son for top high
school football
players is over.
Young men
who were offered
scholarships have
made their choices
as to which institu
tions of higher- or
lower-learning
they will attend in
the fall.
Because of the heightened academic
and character requirements for incom
ing athletes at most universities, how
ever, some athletes who would have
been eligible for signing under last
year’s requirements were not eligible
this year.I have managed to obtain a list
Member of
Texas Press Association
Southwest Journalism Conference
The Battalion Editorial Board
Loren Steffy, Editor
Mary be th Rohsner, Managing Editor
Mike Sullivan, Opinion Page Editor
Jens Koepke, City Editor
Jeanne Isenberg, Sue Krenek, News Editors
Homer Jacobs, Sports Editor
Tom Ownbey, Photo Editor
of some of the high school athletes who
would have been able to sign had they
not been boneheads and social outcasts.
Here are some of the examples from
the list:
• Marvin Toodler, wide receiver,
Corn Silk, Neb.: Caught 417 touchdown
passes and two known venereal diseases
during his high school career. Unfort-
nately, when he took his SAT exam,
that’s all he did. Marvin now plans to
work for his father, Mr. Toodler, in the
family worm farm business.
• Leon (Neon) Devon, running back,
Corpus Christi, Texas: What made re
cruiters suspicious that Leon might be
academically deficient was the question
naire he sent back to interested schools.
On each questionnaire, he not only mis
spelled his name, he also doodled in the
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margins with a yellow crayon and listed
his home town as “Korpus Krispy.”
• Arnold (Stumpy) Wordsworth,
linebacker, Why-not, Ga.: Got the nick
name Stumpy from his instructors. Not
only did he not answer any questions
correctly on his SAT, he ate his pencil.
Wants to become an air traffic conroller.
• Gunther . Dappleman, defensive
tackle, Shade Tree, Mo.: Stands 7-foot-3
and weighs 416. Ineligible because of
steriod addiction.
• Alfondidius Johnson, defensive
back. Slick Snake, Fla.: Was courted by
over 250 schools until it was learned he
was given a frog to dissect in biology
class and the frog talked him out of it.
Plans career wrestling alligators at Crazy
Al’s reptile farm and discount fire
works.
• Ramundo Santiago Ornamata
Diego Francisco (Earl) Zapata, soccer-
style placekicker, Bogota, Colombia:
Approached by many U.S. schools,
turned down all offers, however, to take
better paying job in family export busi
ness.
• Sal (Meathead) Monella, 6-foot-2,
240, Thickneck,N.J.: Currently at Penn
State. Prison. Convicted of mail fraud,
writing bad checks and trying to rob a
Roto Rooter van he mistook for a
Brink’s truck. Plans to become TV evan
gelist after parole.
Copyright 1986, Cowles Syndicate
Lewis
Grizzard
The Battalion
(USPS 045 360)
Mail Call
Unjust rewards
EDITOR:
Could it be that Big Brother exists on campus? I’m beginning to thinkso.
What happened to the notion of “innocent until proven guilty?” Does Big
Brother know and see all? Is it right for 32 people to be evicted due to the
immaturity and irresponsibility of an obnoxious few? I find it difficultto
believe that all 32 men living in Walton Hall’s E ramp were responsible for
the problems that occurred there recently.
I do not condone the things that were done to the dorm or their Residem
Adviser, but I feel it is unjust for the innocent residents to have tosufferfor
something they didn’t take part in. I cannot believe that one RA has the
authority or the ability to point the Finger at 32 people and claim that each
one was as guilty as the rest.If someone is in a position to administer
punishment, he should use it wisely and fairly. It seems to me that the R.4
should be held as responsible as the residents themselves for allowing their
mischievous antics to intensify to the point where innocent people haveto
suffer. Instead of accusing everyone, he should have singled out individuals
at the heart of the problem. If he didn’t know exactly who did it, doeshehau
the right to blame everyone who happens to live there? In addition, Ifeelihi
someone has forgotten his or her job. The purpose of dorms is to make
studying, classes, etc. more convenient. I don’t think it is convenient to have
to move out of your dorm in mid-semester and manage to study forthefira
round of tests. Or has Big Brother already decided the fate of these 32 resi
dents?
Lauren Steely ’89
Cafe Librare
EDITOR:
The other day, I went to the library with a few of my friends. That's
nothing unusual for typical college students who want to get some studying
done. We made our merry way up to the fourth floor “quiet side” and
proceeded to crack the old books. While trying to study, my friends and 1
were entertained by many individuals.
Suzi and Muffy informed everyone about their drunken escapades of ik
past weekend. Jim Bob and Biff amused us with their tales of Stallone and
capturing the opposite sex. We were also made privy of everyone’s plans for
the coming weekend. Hey folks, don’t get me wrong. I can be just associate
as the next person. I just don’t think the fourth floor quiet side is the
appropriate place. Please be a little more considerate of those whocomelo
the library to actually study — not for appearances only!
Kim Darnell ’88
Band taking donations
EDITOR:
The other day, an Aggie Band member came by my office asking for
donations. When we asked him to what we were donating, he suggested if
we might want “to just write ‘donations’ ” unless we really needed to know
what it was for. Yes, we thought the accountant might like that.lt wasforw
games. Every year, the band’s outfits get together to play war games against
each other. Doesn’t that sound like fun? It sure does, and while there's
doubt that playing war games will enhance the band members’ proficienqn
musicians as well as guide them along the path to becoming more product
citizens, should local merchants foot the bill for all of this edification? Wil
they get to write it off next year as a charitable contribution? Maybe 1 shonkl
try going door to door for my next movie. If the band members needmon?
to play games, let them solicit their mothers.
Lynda Ward
The press thanks you
EDITOR.
I would like to congratulate all of the journalists and politicians involved
in the incessant pressuring and “hounding” applied to former National
Security Adviser Robert McFarlane..You won! The man now has no job,
probably has family trouble and at least ten years off his life due to the
pressure. All because a mistake that had good intentions behind it. Once
again, congratulations on a good job of raking McFarlane over the coals!
Bryan Jones, ’87
Be sensible
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EDITOR:
I guess it was inevitable that someone would object to At Ease’s
informative article about contraceptives — especially at a campus as
conservative as this one. However, with all due respect to the Christian
majority at this school, we cannot let the Bible get in the way of good comntf; v
sense. The percentage of people having premarital sex is high, and rightot "
wrong, immediate action is necessary to cut down on unwanted pregnane)
and sexually transmitted disease. Preaching morality could be effectiveintk
long run, but in the past it has not worked. In the meantime, realistic goals
need to be set, and public education about birth control should be oneof
these goals.
By the way, not everyone necessarily associates pleasure with guilt as N
as there was mutual consent and no one was hurt in the process. Certainly,
sex has the potential to be detrimental to a relationship, but dependingon
the circumstances, it may also be a very positive experience.
Debbie Quackenbush ’88
A lotta dough
EDITOR: |
A few days ago I received a ticket for parking in a no-parking zone.fGf*
willakers, I thought that no-parking zones were A-OK authorized parking
zones.) Anyway, everyone and his dog gets a parking ticket, that’s not my
beef.I’m not even bothered that the only reason I was parked there was
because of car trouble and that after a two minute sprint to get my roomIIl! ,,
to wait at my car — so I wouldn’t get a ticket — I got the ticket anyway.
K.K. was undoubtedly waiting in a bush for me to leave my car.) Whatmes#
with my mind is that while I was looking at this ticket number, and my last
unpaid ticket number, I noticed that the University Police Departmenthas
issued about 40,628 “Traffic Violations Notices” in less than five months
Let’s say, hypothetically, of course, that only 30,000 of these were
vehicle violations ($10) and the others were bike violations ($4). In fairness
the university police, I won’t count moving violations ($20) or handicapped
zone violations ($50) in my figuring.
Let’s now say that, oh, half of these tickets are paid on time. According 11
my T.I., that’s about $171,256 in five months; not bad. By the way.theoP
half will be paid with a $5 late charge, or debtors will be blocked from
registering, or blocked from receiving a diploma.I was just curious about
what a University would do with a conservatively figured $171,256? Would
they supply K.K.s with those shiny Smith & Wesson 9mm automatics to
protect us all from dangerous bicyclists and sinister mopeders? Or would
they rent 12-foot-tall, plastic amphibians to decorate our education
buildings? Just curious. Oh yeah, in keeping with tradition of letters to
editor, but entirely unrelated, Highway 6 runs both ways!
Marc T. Schneider ’88
Letters to the editor should not exceed 300 words in length. The editorial staff reserves the right
for style and length, but will make every effort to maintain the author’s intent. Each letter must he \
must include the classification, address and telephone number of the writer.