Page 2AThe Battalion/Thursday, September 18, 1986
Harvard, Smarvard
350 years of 'experience' and snobbism
Do you ever get '
the feeling that be- Lewis
cause you didn’t GfiZZOrd
go to Harvard,
vou are less than a
complete person, an intellectual sweat-
hog in comparison to those who did go
to Harvard?
There is this Harvard “experience”
the} talk about, and most of the people
who went to school theredon’t say,
“Harvard,” they say, “Hahvahd,” and
jut out their jaws in an expression of
snobbism.
I’ve been following the celebration of
fair Harvard’s 35()th birthday. It was
such a big deal that they had to get the
prince of Wales, the future king of En
gland, to come over and help out with
the part}.
Win did thev want him over here?
Wasn't there somebody in this country
good enough for Harvard? Was Willie
Nelson already booked?
Eve been trying to ask myself if it is
just sour grapes on my part that all this
Harvard business has been getting on
mv nerves.
Needless to say, I didn’t go to Har
vard. I didn’t even apply to Harvard. I
figured I would just get turned down
anvwav. Even if my grades had been
good enough — which I doubt they
were— 1 am not from the quality stock
that is necessarv for the Harvard, well,
experience.
None of my ancestry had anything to
do with the founding of the country,
with the possible exception of the infa
mous Archibald (Slick) Grizzard, who
introduced certain games of chance and
various strains of venereal disease dur
ing his trip oveton the Mayflower.
As soon as the Pilgrims finished step
ping on Plymouth Rock, they hanged
Uncle Slick.
I have a friend who went to Harvard.
He lives in New York. He is a dear
friend until he decides he wants to make
certain you remember he went to Har
vard.
“When I was at Harvard . . .” is how
he often begins conversations.
Or there is, “I was talking to an old
school chum from Harvard, and . . .”
Or my favorite, “Over drinks at the
Harvard Club last evening . . .”
Harvard, Smarvard. Let me ask these
questions:
— Why did Benjamin Franklin once
say the only thing Harvard men were in
terested in was their appearance?
— What kind of school would have an
organization known as the “Hasty Pud
ding Club”?
— If Harvard is such a great school,
how did. Teddy Kennedy get a degree
from there?
— And when was the last time the
Harvard football team went to a bowl
game?
So Harvard is 350 years old. Big deal.
I enjoyed Johnny Carson’s line: “Har
vard is so old, scribbled on the men’s
room wall is, ‘For a good time, call Betsy
Ross.’
I like this old story, too:
A Georgia graduate is visiting Har
vard. He is trying to locate the library.
He asks a student, “Could you tell me
where the library is at?”
The student replies, “Here at fair
Harvard, sir, we never end a sentence
with a preposition.”
Replied the Georgia man, “Then, al
low me to rephrase the question. ‘Where
is the library at, jerk?’ ”
Even when you clean that one up, it
makes its point.
Copyright 1986, Cowles Syndicate
Aggies' windshields
attractive to tickets
JeffL Brady
Guest Columnist
There’s the law
of gi avitv, t he law
of inertia, the law
o i ce n t r i 1 u ga 1
force, Murphv’s
law, the law of the land, the law of
Moses, Harvard law, the law of the jun
gle. law and order and the long arm of
the law.
Todav. however, I propose the accep
tance of a new law in the wonderful
world of physics: the gravitational pull
of pat king tickets toward Aggies’ wind
shields.
I think it has something to do with the
propertv stating that for every action
there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Or, when vou find a convenient spot to
park aiivwhere in Brazos County, you
w ill get a ticket — everv time. What bet-
tet wav to end a long, hot, sticky day of
unexpec ted tests and dust-filled post of
fice boxes?
I am a chronic of fender. Last week I
picked up a record 18 tic kets, and Tues-
cla\ was even worse. My profile,
mugshot and DPS serial number proba-
bl\ are hanging in post offices from
Montgomerv to Dimebox.
This week the Campus Police are
handing out the real things — no vehi
cles spared, no spots unchecked.
Wh\ is it I always think, “Oh, I’ll just
be a minute. There’s no WAY they’ll
track me down in less than an hour . . .”?
()h, me of little faith. . . .
The} have crack troops that circum-
navigate the campus every five minutes.
I can see them now, grouped around a
crowded, smoke-filled briefing room
just before dawn.
“Armstrong, you take Olsen Field to
dav. And remember nett to cut those
former students with their mobile
homes am slack. I don’t care how many
buildings they’ve donated.
“Burns, you hit Zachry. Granite
should be your middle name. Pregnant
women, kids unloading projects and se
nior citizens have to hunt down a spot
just like everyone else.
“Douglas, you handle the mopeds to
dav. Ignorance and mini skirts may go
hand in hand, but they’re still no excuse.
“Madge, you’ll man the front desk.
Keep a lot o’ Kleenex handy and charge
’em five extra if they hold you up too
long.”
They have to be tough. The parking
offenders on this campus are the most
wanted criminals — and for good rea
son. We are the most cunning, the most
daring, the most desperate, the most in
genious and the most dangerous of all
offenders.
I knew a guy last year who kept one
of those spiffy, canvas, form-fitted cov-.
ers in his trunk just for those occasions
when he knew he was parking out of
bounds. They caught up with him in
January. I haven’t seen him since.
Another guy had three different li
cense plates he rotated on his truck
from month to month. Now he’s doing
five to 10 at Huntsville. His last letter
said he was learning to print up a whole
new set of phony plates.
Someone else bought a white Nissan
mini truck, spray-painted the University
logo on the doors and drove to class
each morning — not to campus, I mean
DROVE TO CLASS. He’d park right
outside the Academic Building, next to
the bike rack, go to class, drive to the
Commons, drive to his P.E. class in G.
Rollie and on and on. He just let his
beard grow, wore green cotton trousers,
and no one looked twice. The last I
heard he was rooming with Chuck Man-
son and headed for solitary in San
Quentin. The KKs don’t mess around.
Of course, this is a bad season to park
illegally. The University budget is
threatened, funding hangs in the bal
ance and our beloved Permanent Uni
versity Fund is on the chopping block.
Revenue has to be sucked in from some
one’s pocket, right?
Of course. So the next time you find a
little yellow card on your windsheild af
ter a particularly demanding day, relax
with the understanding you’re helping
to keep the University out of hock.
- Gotta go. I’m parked in the staff lot
outside.
Jeff Brady is a senior journalism ma
jor.
The Battalion
(USPS 045 360)
Member of
Texas Press Association
Southwest Journalism Conference
The Battalion Editorial Board
Cathie Anderson. Editor
Kirsten Dietz, Managing Editor
Loren Steffy, Opinion Page Editor
Frank Smith, City Editor
Sue Krenek, News Editor
Ken Sury, Sports Editor
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upporters s;
Biovement
ol dating lx
ind is ain
hi|e endang
itr 1 Americ;
I inday tht
Blew unde
they seer
ants across
churche
.ustin sancl
If Sunday is a day for rest,
why do football players wo
It’s been more
than a year since
the Texas blue
laws w ere r e -
pealed on Sept. 1,
1985. Some con
sumers enjoy be
ing able to buy al-
m o s t a n y t h i n g
they want any clay
of the week. Some
merchants enjoy
the added reve
Karl
Pallmeyer
nues brought in on Sunday. But not all
consumers and merchants are that
happy.
According to the Bible, the King
James Bible, Exodus 20:8-10;
“Remember the sabbath day, to keep
it holy. Six days shall thou labour, and
do all thy work: but the seventh day is
the Sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it
thou shall not do any work, thou, nor
thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manser
vant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy
cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy
gates.”
Almost everyone knows that verse —
it’s one of the Top Ten Command
ments. Many Christians will say that the
Bible forbids work on Sunday. Actually
the Sabbath is Saturday, but that doesn’t
matter in today's world. Sunday is the
day for rest.
But Texas’ blue laws, at least the last
version of them, were not based in reli
gion. They were designed to help
smaller businesses that couldn’t afford
to be open seven days a week by making
sure one day a week was kept free of
competition. When the blue laws were
struck down, there were protests for
both business and religious reasons.
Some businesses feel they can’t afford
to pay employees to work seven days a
week. Others feel it’s morally wrong to
be open on Sundays.
Since last September, there has been
a steady stream of letters to editors com
plaining about businesses being open on
Sundays. Although there is no law stat
ing a business has to be open on Sun
days, after the blue laws’ repeal some
shopping malls required that all then
stores be open to justify the mall being
open. Some stores fought and won the-
right to be closed on Sundays. Other
stores have been petitioning for that
right.
It doesn’t matter much to me whether
a store is open on Sunday. I would like
the opportunity to shop on any day of
the week, but it’s not up to me if certain
stores want to close. It’s their loss, not
mine.
I do object, however, when people try
to pressure me into signing petitions,
citing morality as the sole reason for
their decision to close on Sundays.
I was in a store recently, on a week
day, and the owner pulled out a petition
while I was paying for my purchase. He
cited Bible verses and expressed right
eous indignation at the heathen mall
owners who wanted him to stay open on
Sundays. It was obvious that he felt it
was a mortal sin to work on “the Sab
bath.”
jswell said, “!
■response .
■ lots of r
Ho when pt
Vusi in-area v
ance of
ry churc
no
This man looked like a typicali
can, and most typical AmeriarH
Hilling l""ili.ill gimes mi ji
n sin against God to workonThlsday that
work
wh\ is football so popular? HingofSH
Football players work lun)ij xas em [T
game days, many of which
day
they get paid thousands of di jieeffective (
working on Sundays. So docoadeivesession en;
referees. H sponsor
Hi the five
11 11 0-risk venture
tors, tec hnical clnectors, audioiriC®, r)ient jj ene
deotape editors and nutnerowH
television people working on SufT
we wouldn’t be able to watchthod
bull players and coaches breaking
the Ten Commandments. I
I come f rom a town where t j
acher will find himself looking it]
other job if he doesn’t let thecoci
lion out before noon on days™
Cowboys are playing. 1 guessed
needs to get home in time torn
sinners.
The state of Texas may harej
some people when it decided toil
the blue laws and turn everyoi*j
wasn’t already a football player,
or television worker into sinners,^
nice that the liquor stores in Tefli
open until after noon on Sunday
way the heathens who don't,!
c hurc h won’t get a head startod
ing before the game
Karl Pallmeyer is a seniorjourt
major and a columnist for TheS
ion
Mail Call
Ft
ai
Protection and service?
EDITOR:
I am writing this letter with regard to recent actions
taken by the University Police Department. Last
December, during exam week, I was stopped on my bike
and.given a ticket for a moving violation.
The tic ket was a mere $4, but out of principle, I argued
and tried to appeal. Three separate bikers committed the
same inf raction (running a stop sign) and drove right past
me as I was interrogated for more than 20 precious
minutes. This raises the question,“Is the law biased and
prejudiced or is it simply unenforceable?”
Because of this question and my desire to learn about
bike laws which apply to this campus, I tried to appeal the
ticket and talk it out with someone. After waiting in line
for almost two hours, I was told I would be unable to
appeal unless I came back the next semester and waited all
over again. I was never told when to come back, just
sometime next semester. . . . I’m glad UPD is so specific
about their deadlines. What a barbaric and unorganized
system!
I thought the police motto was to protect and serve.
Well, as for the protection of my rights, I question the
appeal procedure at the UPD. The Constitution provides
everyone the right to a fair and speedy trial. I tried to set
up an appeal date, but to no avail. What does it take? It
shouldn’t be so timely and inconvenient to set up such a
session.
In fact, the whole procedure is just not worth it. Like a
dictator, the UPD forced me to pay the fine without
argument or regard for my side of the story. Surely, one
wouldn’t think of this as totalitarian. It’s worse — a
complete disregard for a citizen’s rights.
Service is a joke as well. After being stopped initially
for so long, and then having to wait at the police station for
so long without results, my temper was at its limit. Can’t
the UPD get themselves organized to be at least somewhat
efficient?
Recently, I spoke to a Sgt. Dunlap about this issue.
Though she clarified my questions regarding the bicycle
laws, she was unable to do anything about the ticket or the
extra “processing-late fee,” which was tacked on to my
original ticket, thereby more than doubling the original
cost.
Hence, not only was I penalized once for my ticket,!!
again because the UPD wouldn’t set my appeal beforeil*
deadline to pay. This disgusting and aggravating senes 1
events has lowered my respect for the UPD and their
operations on campus in general. Though theyneedio
enfore the law, they need to protect the rights of studerfi)
faculty and all citizens in general without tediousde
and uncalled-for hassles. Unfortunately, thisdoesn
to be a priority at the UPD.
PaulJanish
Rest in peace
EDITOR:
This is perhaps the most difficult letter I haveever |
chosen to write. Like many, I was a friend of Brennon 1
Meyer and had known him since my freshman year,I 1
would like to say something that will stand apart from
rest of the letters, but a tragedy such as this is
unexplainable.
Brennon loved life, and he brought so much happinB
to all his friends. He was a very devoted person tohisfail
family and friends. I talked to him last week, and he wail
telling me of all the plans for his future.
It just makes me sick that for no reason someone to I
come along and wiped away his life and dreams. Satatol
alive and well on this earth. It comforts me toknowthaif
Janet and Brennon are living in eternal peace, whiletw«I
men here on earth will suf fer for eternity. There isjusi 1 !
sense to this needless tragedy. I would like to leave this I
message for Brennon and Janet’s f amilies in this timed |
grief. I, as well as others here at A&M, grieve with the® i
.. . they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their I
strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles;thfl §
shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, andn^w
faint. Isaiah 40:31
MONDAY EV
TUESDAY E\
Wednesday
Thursday i
eriday evei
Saturday
evening
b
SUNDAY NOl
evening
Suzanne Hall
Class of‘86
Letters to the editor should not exceed 300 words in length. Thee® 1 '
staff reserves the right to edit letters for style and length, but'
every effort to maintain the author’s intent. Each letter must be s
and must include the address and telephone number of the writer
MSC OAF