“Falco 1 ”
Falco
A&M Records
•
Feb. 18,1986: A friend asks if
I have heard “Rock Me Am
adeus.” I replied that I had not.
She said I was lucky.
Mar. 5, 1986: While in a re
cord store I hear “Rock Me Am
adeus.” I run outside and throw
up.
Mar. 13, 1986: At Ease re
ceives a shipment of albums
from A&M Records, “Falco :i ” is
among them. With vengeance
in mv heart I agree to review
the album.
Apr. 6, 1986: I am informed
that “Rock Me Amadeus" has
hit number one. I decide that
I'd better do everything in my
power to stop this farce before
thousands of other minds are
ruined by this musical garbage.
I hope that mv review of the al
bum will show people their
tastes are being corrupted by an
artichoke-brained “artist” from
Austria. Unfortunately I’m
going fo have to listen to the al
bum to review it.
Apr. 10, 1986: I listen to the
album. Mv breakfast of Cap'n
Crunch repeatedlv threatens to
come back up. My turntable
threatens to mutiny. My room
mate locks himself in the closet.
Every cockroach within a five
block radius of my apartment
commits suicide. It was proba
bly the worst 50 minutes I’ve
ever spent with a piece of plas
tic.
Apr. 11, 1986: I take a ham
mer and smash “Falco :i ” to little
bits. Come bv Room 216 of Reed
McDonald for your complimen
tary shard (while supplies last).
“Falco :i ” is the third album
from Elans Holzel, a.k.a. Falco.
Why this guy was allowed to
make three albums is a mystery
to me. He should have been
i '
shot after he made k *Der Kom-
missar.” If it were up to me he
would have been shot before
that.
“Falco 1 ” is excellent proof
that disco is not dead; it's alive
and well and living under an
assumed name. I have never
had much respect for the musi
cal tastes of the dance-club
crowd, but I never thought
thev'd sink this low. Falco ranks
right up there with the Starland
Vocal Band and K.C. and the
Sunshine Band, as the three rea
sons why God should never
have given man ears.
Falco's music suffers from a
severe case of over-svnthesizeri-
tis. His band must consist of
nerdy-looking guys with thick
glasses and plastic pocket pro
tectors who do nothing all day
but play with computers. The
electronic drone is too much for
any living creature to endure.
Listening to Falco's voice is
painful, too. He grunts so much
you'd think he was either giving
birth or taking a dump. After
listening to the album it's ob
vious that he’s doing the latter.
This album could be used ferti
lize every field in Austria.
The only saving grace is that
most of the album is in German
so most people can't under
stand what he's saving. Some of
us aren’t so lucky. I knew I'd
live to regret those German
classes I took last year.
For some strange reason,
“Rock Me Amadeus” is a big hit
in America. “Rock Me Am
adeus” is Falco’s tribute to an
other Austrian, Wolfgang Am
adeus Mozart. Actually Falco
has more in common with an
other of his countrymen, Adolf
Hitler. Falco does for music
what Hitler did for Jews. It’s
time that another Nuremberg
trial be held so that Falco can
be punished for his crimes
against humanity.
Unfortunately Mozart isn’t
the only musical genius ma
ligned on this album. When one
hears Falco's version of Bob Dy
lan’s “It’s All Over Now, Baby
Blue,” one wonders why Reagan
doesn't send the 6th Fleet to de
stroy Austria. Falco can’t quite
make up his mind whether he
should sing, grunt, mumble,
belch, scream, whisper, yell or
burp the lyrics.
Although Ric Ocasek isn’t on
the same level as Dylan and Mo
zart, his talents are also twisted
into a horrible aural experience.
Falco has taken the Cars’ “Look-^
ing for Love,” added some hrics
and calls it “Munich Girls.” I
wonder if Falco knows that mil
lions of tourists may avoid Mu
nich just because of that song?
According to a recent article
in Rolling Stone, “Jeanny” is at
the top of the charts in Ger
many despite the fact that it
has been banned from the radio
because of its subject matter,
“jeanny” is a song about rape. It
seems to me that Falco justi-
fvies the rape because the girl
was naive and didn't realize she
was teasing her attacker. We
wall be getting all the gory de
tails in an English version of the
song that is supposed to be re
leased soon.
I won’t say much more about
the album. The best summary I
can think of is in Falco’s native
tongue:
Die Platte ist censored.
“King ofAmerica ”
Elvis Costello
Columbia Records
★★★★★
Elvis is back! No, not the
dead fat guy, the real Elvis —
Elvis Costello.
In the mid '70s, a computer
programer named Declan Pat
rick MacManus changed his
name to Elvis Costello and
started making music. He be
came the best songwriter to
come out of England’s new
wave movement. In 1977, he re
leased his first album, “Mv Aim
Is True.” It was fantastic. His
next two albums, “This Year’s
Model” and “Armed Forces,”
solidified his position as a mu
sical genius. His next four al
bums were less successful but
in 1982 he released “Imperial
Bedroom,” one of the best rock
albums ever made.
Alter “Imperial Bedroom,”
Costello released two albums,
“Punch the Clock" and “Good
bye Cruel World,” which were
huge disappointments. I didn’t
bother with last year’s greatest
hits collection, but the video-
tape collection of Costello's vi
deos released at the same time,
was fantastic. An album like
“King of America” has been
long overdue.
Parts of “King of' America”
are similar to some of the best
moments of Costello's ^earlier
music. Costello’s songs deal
with problems — emotional
and social. His lyrics paint an
ultra-realistic portrait of people
hurting other people in the
name of love. Bitter sarcasm
and biting satire are Costello
trademarks.
“King of America" also
marks a new image for Cos
tello. The songs are now cred
ited to Declan Patrick Aloysius
MacManus instead of his pseu-
donvm. Costello has recently
changed his name back to Mac
Manus and added the Aloysius.
In England, the name Elvis Cos
tello doesn't appear on the al
bum jacket at all. Here, Colum
bia Records was worried about
the effects of the change on
sales so the American version is
credited to “Costello.”
Costello begins the album by
questioning his earlier success.
Is he a genius or a “Brilliant
Mistake?” His version of the An
imals’ “Don't Let Me Be Misun
derstood” continues this theme.
When Eric Burdon sang it, it
was an angry cry against being
pigeon-holed by the establish
ment. When Costello sings it, it
becomes a plea to try to make
sense out of life.
The new album is produced
by Costello and Burnett. Bur
nett, who does Christian coun
ty music on his own, brings a
distinctly country feel to the al
bum. Costello and Burnett re
cently released a single as the
Coward Brothers that’s not to
be missed.
I’ve been waiting four years
for Costello to release another
masterpiece and “King of
America” is it.
by Karl Pallmeyer
music reviewer