Page 2AThe Battalion/Thursday, March 6, 1986
Opinion
12 professors guilty of encouraging free though!*' 1 *
pi F
It all began in
nocently enough.
A few people de
cided that certain
college professors
might be corrupt
ing their students’
minds with ideas,
so they decided to
do something
about it. A new or-
ganization was
formed.
Karl
Pallmeyer
The purpose of Accuracy In Acade-
mia was to determine if certain profes
sors were guilty of thinking wrong
thoughts about America, God, Money
and Mankind. If so, these professors
shouldn’t be allowed to express their
views to young, impressionable chil
dren, who, even though they are in col
lege, are not responsible enough to
make judgments about anything they
are told. Since these children have been
accepting blindly everything their par
ents have been telling them for years,
they don’t dare question anything that
an older person tells them. These chil
dren need someone to look after them.
That’s where AIA comes in.
The AIA finds students who are pure
of mind and body to sit in on potentially
dangerous professors’ classes. These
faithful watchdogs can determine which
professors are a threat to our society
and should not be allowed to continue
teaching.
The AIA watchdog at the Big Univer
sity of Cerebral Thanatos is Fred J.
Alpheratz, a senior majoring in Repub
licanism. Alpheratz compiled a list of 12
professors who were not teaching things
like they were supposed to. These 12
professors were arrested and brought to
trial. The trial was held in the Joseph R.
McCarthy Memorial Courtroom with
the honorable Winston Z. Marmoset
presiding. It went something like this:
Marmoset: “Dr. H.G. Plutarch, you
are a professor of history at the Big Uni
versity of Cerebral Thanatos are you
not?”
Plutarch: “That is correct.”
Marmoset: “You are charged with
criticizing past American policies con
cerning the treatment of American In
dians, civil rights, foreign relations and
the Vietnam war. How do you plead?”
Plutarch: “Guilty.”
Marmoset: “Dr. Sigmund Skinner,
professor of psychology at the Big Uni
versity of Cerebral Thanatos, you are
charged with teaching Freudian the
ories on sexuality to students. How do
you plead?”
Skinner: “Guilty.”
Marmoset: “Dr. Alexandria Babel, do
you teach foreign languages at the Big
University of Cerebral Thanatos?”
Babel: “I do.”
Marmoset: “You are charged with
teaching students Latin, German,
French, Spanish, Chinese and Russian.
How do you plead?”
Babel: “Guilty.”
Marmoset: “Dr. Charles Lamarck,
you teach biology at the Big University
of Cerebral Thanatos, correct?”
Lamarck: “That’s right.”
Marmoset: “You are changed with re
quiring your students to read “Origins
of Species” and discussing Darwin’s the
ories in class. How do you plead?”
Lamarck: “Guilty as charged.”
Marmoset: “Dr. Harry Stotle, you are
a philosophy professor are you not?”
Stotle: “I am.”
Marmoset: “Yes. You are charged
with teaching the works of Plato, Marx,
Nietzsche and Machiavelli and with
comparing Christianity with other reli
gions. How do you plead?”
Stotle: “Guilty.”
Marmoset: “Dr. Emily D. Homer, you
teach English at the Big University of
Cerebral Thanatos?”
Homer: “Yes.”
Marmoset: “You are charged with re
quiring your students to read books by
Salinger, Vonnegut, Twain, Catullus
and Joyce. How do you plead?”
Homer: “Guilty.”
Marmoset: “Dr. Thomas Locke you
are a professor of political science at the
Big University of Cerebral Thanatos,
right?”
Locke: “Right-o!”
Marmoset: “How do you plead to the
charges of teaching students about
MAftGUUES
<S>/906 HOLgJOfl
United Feeture Syndicate
Vending machine assault
nation's most serious crime
I n Concord ,
Calif., a customer
became enraged at
an automated
teller and kept
punching it be
cause the machine
refused to dis
pense $80 from
the man’s account.
street. “It’s true that people shouldn’t
assault coin-operated machines. But you
have to blame some of the violence on
the public’s frustration when they don’t
get the product they paid for.”
used to rob banks, now they would pre
fer to beat up their teller machines.
Things have gotten so bad that people
kick an ATM whether it makes a mis
take or not.”
“What kind of country would this be
if eVeryone kicked a vending machine
that didn’t work?” he cried.
“How do you stop the violence?’
Art Buchwald
The customer
was arrested and charged with
cious mischief.”
‘mali-
“If you can’t get your money back
write a letter to the company,” he re
plied.
“We want tougher criminal penalities
for any premeditated attack on an auto
mated teller and we are insisting that
anyone who hits the bulletproof glass
with an umbrella be charged with as
sault with a deadly weapon.”
This is not an isolated incident.
According to police reports, so many
people are beating up on automated
machines that it has become this nation’s
most serious crime problem.
Johnny Hawke, who runs a home for
battered machines, told me more than
50 percent of all aggravated assaults are
committed against coin machines.
“I tried that once,” I protested. “I
couldn’t spring a Sprite out of the ma
chine and it wouldn’t give me my money
back. So I wrote a letter on the spot to
the soft drink people. Then I went to
buy a stamp and damned if that ma
chine didn’t work either. So I drove a
stake right through the heart of the
word ‘Sprite.’ ”
“Will you get them?’
‘Why did you stab the Sprite sign?’
“Upright law-abiding citizens now
think nothing of kicking a Coke ma
chine in the groin, or shoving an index
Finger down the throat of a coin return
slot. Priests have been known to punch
out the glass panel of a cigarette ma
chine over a two-bit misunderstanding.
Vending machine hospitals are filled
with broken candy bar racks and frac
tured Kleenex dispensers, while the
perpetrators of these dastardly crimes
are walking around scot-free.”
“So there wouldn’t be any witnesses to
what I did to the stamp machine.”
Hawke said the assaults are getting so
serious that many machines are refusing
to work unless they have guards. This
defeats the whole idea of mechanical de
vices replacing people.
“People are starting to wake up to the
vending machine crime wave in this
country. They are furious at the bleed
ing heart judges who will not hand out
tough sentences to abusers. Just the
other day a man was acccused of putting
a bullet through a Laundromat machine
because it missed the rinse cycle. He was
sentenced to 20 years for involuntary
manslaughter. The man will be out in
14 years to shoot another washer. When
he does we will all ask, ‘Why did it hap
pen again?’ ”
“Do you find people beat up ma
chines more in the daytime or at night?”
I asked Hawke.
“Why so many attacks on automated
tellers?” -
“It doesn’t seem to matter. They beat
the machines up in the daytime to get
their money back. And they beat them
up at night to hear them scream.”
I tried to defend the man in the
He told me, “The automated teller
muggings are acts of pure spite. People
Art Buchwald is a columnist for the
Los Angeles Times Syndicate.
other systems of government, including
communism?”
Locke: “I guess I’m guilty.”
Marmoset: “Bob Bernstein, you teach
journalism at the Big University of Ce
rebral Thanatos, how do you plead to
the charges that you have told students
that there needs to be greater freedom
of information and that journalists have
the right to report and comment on any
government actions due to the First
Amendment?”
Bernstein: “Guilty as charged.”
Marmoset: “Dr. Milton Smith, it has
been charged that in your economics
class, you told your students that our
country would be better off economi
cally if our government would spend
more money on social programs than on
the military. How do you plead to that
charge?”
Smith: “I said that so 1 guess I’m
guilty.”
Marmoset: “Baron Ludwig von Len
non, in your music appreciation class
you told students that rock ’n’ roll is a le
gitimate music form and sometimes of
fers valuable social insight.”
Lennon: “That’s true.”
Marmoset: “How do you plead to the
charge that you have played rock ’n’ roll
music to your class, Baron?”
Lennon: “Guilty.”
Marmoset: “Dr. Margaret Jung, you
have been charged with teaching the
customs and religions of foreign coun
tries in your sociology class at thej
University of Cerebral Thanatos.
do you plead?”
Jung: “Guilty.”
Marmoset: “Dr. Nicolaus
By CR
i, .JAndrew B
your astronomy class you told studfl mocra ticgi
that the sun, not the earth, istheceMd Wedne:
of our solar system.” A.s.*M that he
Kepler: "That's true, it is.” Bus 6 citizen:
Marmoset: "How do you pbd| i< ' na )
such a charg
Kepler: “Guilty.”
Briscoe, A
Rople are tir
rad want so
Marmoset: “In this case of theii|dopen tof
against 12 professors from theBiglraHe said Gi
versity of Cerebral Thanatos, all 12| defeated in t
lessors have pleaded guilty to theiira 1156 .^ e w '"
vidual chargi-s made against them.* a ^ ntu * tun
, ° r i ° ii raBriscoe sai
obvious, therefore, that all 12 areg« white .
of the greater crimes of exposing|je proposer
dents to different ways and tryin. foi the A&\
make students think about thingsifieded if su
are better left alone. 1 sentence allliwc costs wer
you to life imprisonment.” 'HI * . av f nt
'T-i io . . .i r i,rats in the
1 he 12 were sent to the Franz h a , .
i> • r * r cc Bat s where
Prison for Enemies of State. ThevBsajj
able to read a newspaper accoumraHe said n
how Fred J. Alpheratz, the anonvi tjeed to be e
witness against the 12 professors, f^tc out pi
awarded one of the state’s highest c
rations. All 12 remembered havine
;|most efficier
is to increasi
J. Alpheratz in one of their classesIgriscoe s;
was the only student who flunkedolformation o
one of their classes. m |ange to t
Ad assist a;
Karl Pallmeyer is a senior jou™.sp- 0 g ram wo
major and a columnist for The Mment at first
ion. raate withou
■ Briscoe s
has disc
Mail Call
nte. Finan
oil industry
he said.
“White in
ease in <
Letters to the Editor should not exceed 300 n ords in length. The editorial staff reserves ti*
right to edit letters for style and length but will make every effort to maintain the author
intent. Each letter must be signed and must include the address and telephone numbers
the writer.
A dangerous precedent
EDITOR:
Women
lally perce
I wish to write in response to KLS Computer’s $4.05 million lawsuiijtent than
against the Texas A&M University System Comptroller as a result o! din ^ a *'
Micro Center. The suit contends that the Micro Center, by offeringdiilf tlnues a
counts to faculty and students, is unfair competition to local computerreKskperfor
tailers. [ Dr. Wei
By this same reasoning, the Department of Food Services should be seRenclei
shut down as they are unfair competition to local food establishments by
offering savings through board plans. By this same reasoning, dorm space
should not be offered as this would compete unfairly with local apartment
landlords due to the cheaper cost of a dorm.
A victory in the courts by KLS Computers would set a dangerous prec
edent for the future of services offered to students by Texas A&M.
Mark Browning
Senator Ward I
aud measi
j She said
lewly forn
thing the n
psumptioi
ame initi;
jroup me:
group met
I “It you
"bout met
;ender), y
linen are
Scobee memorial scholarship
EDITOR:
Now that it’s been about a month since the space shuttle disaster
things have quieted down. There are fewer and fewer headline stories
about the tragedy, and we’re all about ready to put the incident in thepasi
and move on with our lives. The few who are left wondering “Whatcanbel
done now?” are usually advised to pick up and go on living — nothing caul
be changed now.
But that’s not a very satisfying answer for the Mathematics/Sciencel
Teaching Scholars of Texas A&rM. Dick Scobee, the commander of tbel
shuttle flight was always supportive of our program and of education ini
general. We feel that something can be done, as a memorial to those who j
gave their lives in the shuttle disaster.
We’ve decided that the most appropriate thing for us to do is to estab
lish a memorial scholarship in his name. We’re working to raise $25,000to
establish an endowed scholarship for a future math/science teacher.
We wanted to let all the students at A&M know that we have starteda
fund-raising campaign both on and off campus and welcome all support,
assistance and participation.
Sharon Schulze
accompanied by 30 signatures
'omen •
lis,” Wi
She a
men typ
jequire
agerial r
I Wooc
Says ma
status it
team sp
because
team sp'
SCHi
.MLY
‘DEN<
226 Soi
The Battalion
(USPS 045 360)
Member of
Texas Press Association
Southwest Journalism Conference
Manor
jastw
’DOWh
bevef
youn
The Battalion Editorial Board
Editor Michelle Pow
Managing Editor Kay Mallett
Opinion Page Editor Loren Steff)
City Editor Jerry Oslin
News Editor Cathie Anderson
Sports Editor Travis Tingle
’PKAY
Editorial Policy
The Battalion is a non-profit, self-supporting newspaper operated as a community service to Texas A&M and Brynn-Collef B
Station.
2* FI
Noun
Opinions expressed in The Battalion are those of the Editorial Board or the author and do not necessarily represent it* I
opinions of Texas A&M administrators, faculty or the Board of Regents.
The Battalion also serves as a laboratory newspaper for students in reporting, editing and photography classes within lit I
Department of Communications.
The Battalion is published Monday through Friday during Texas A&M regular semesters, except for holiday and examinr ■
tion periods. Mail subscriptions are $16.75 per semester, $33.25 per school year and $35 pet full year. Advertising rates hit' f
nished on request.
Our address: The Battalion, 216 Reed McDonald Building, Texas A&M University, College Station, TX 77843.
Second class postage paid at College Station, TX 77843.
POSTMASTER: Send address changes to The Battalion, Texas A&M University, College Station, Texas 77843