Page 2/The Battalion/Thursday, February 27, 1986
Opinion
Khadafy using comet dust
to undermine news services
Unless you’ve
been hiding in a
cave you’ve proba
bly heard of the
return of Halley’s
Comet. Every time
the * comet comes
by our little planet
some strange
things happen.
I his year is no dif
ferent.
In the 18th century and before peo
ple thought that the comet would crash
into the earth and kill everybody. Many
people became depressed after hearing
this news. Many more people became
drunk.
By the 19th century science was more
sophisticated and people realized that
the comet wouldn’t crash into the earth.
T hey thought it would release a poison
gas that would kill everybody. Many
people became depressed, many more
became drunk and a few became rich
selling whiskey and gas masks. The only
thing the comet brought with it in the
19th century was Mark Twain.
When the comet came back in 1910,
few people, except Twain, expected any
ill effects. Most people looked forward
to the return.
Now, in 1986, the comet has come
again. Most people aren’t afraid. They
don’t realize that this visit of the comet
has had an influence on the minds of
the American people.
The comet has been releasing some
thing that has affected the speech cen
ters of some people’s brains. Until re
cently Halley was pronounced: Hay-lee.
Hay (as in the stuff horses eat), lee (as in
a person’s name). Now Halley is being
pronounced: Hall-lee. Hall (as in
Monty), lee (same as before). Even
though the astronomer, Sir Edmund
Halley, pronounced his name like the
rock star Buddy Holly, his comet bears
the pronunciation of the name of the
rock star Bill Haley, who also had some
Comets.
The comet has had other effects on
people’s speech patterns in other ways.
On Aug. 6, 1980, exactly 35 years after
we dropped the atomic bomb on Hiro
shima, something strange happened.
People began to pronounce Hiroshima
as: Hear-row-shim-ma. Hear (as in lis
ten), row (as in a boat), shim (him with
an s), ma (as in your mother). Before
1980, everybody pronounced Hiro
shima as: Hero-she-ma. Hero (as in Su
perman), she (as in a girl), ma (still your
mother). It must have been a combina
tion of 35-year-old radiation from the
bomb and 70-year-old comet dust that
caused the radical change of brain
waves.
Some of our best scientific minds
have been effected by the comet. In
1982, after Voyager II made its trip past
Saturn, scientists began to talk about the
craft’s upcoming trip to Uranus, which
they pronounced: Your-un-us. Your (as
in something you have), un (as in an un
cola), us (as in you and me). Since Voy
ager was close to the comet at that time
something must have happened to alter
the brain waves of our greatest astro
nomers. Or maybe they just got tired of
all the dirty jokes people would tell
about Uranus, pronounced: Your-anus.
Your (as in something you have), anus
(as in something else you have).
Those of us in the newspaper busi
ness have been affected by the comet
too. At The Battalion we spell the Li
byan leader’s name: Khadafy. Other
newspapers spell it: Kadaft, Kaddafi,
Khaddafy, Khadafi, Kadafy, Kaddafy,
Gadaffi or Qaddafi. No one is really
sure if his first name is Moammar or
Muammar. Isn’t it just like that rascal to
use Halley’s comet to undermine our
nation’s news services?
Opefully dis comet wil passs soooon.
My editors cccann’t andle toooooo mush
ore ob dis-
Karl Pallmeyer is a senior journalism
major and a columnist for The Battal
ion.
Not conflicting interests,
just interesting conflicts
Art Buchwold
There has been
some huffing and
puffing in Wash
ington about for
mer White House
employees rep
resenting foreign
governments
whose policies
may not jibe with
those of the
United States. —————————
The governments are paying juicy
fees not only for advice but for what
they believe is the ear of a person or
persons now working at 1600 Pennsyl
vania Ave.
When I accused Myron Steaknife, a
former doorknob polisher at the White
House, of putting his client before his
country he denied it. “I have never used
my connections, high though they may
be, to attract business for my public
firm.”
“ Then why does your telephone play
‘Hail to the ChieE when the receptionist
puts someone on hold?”
“T he song came with the office when
we moved in. The press must get it
through their heads that when we left
the White House we cut all our ties with
Ron and Nancy — I mean the President
and Mrs. Reagan — and we have no
more influence there than any other
lobbyist of Republican persuasion.
We’ve gone to extremes to make sure no
one thinks we have ties to the Oval Offi
ce.”
“Then why are you serving coffee in
an Air Force One mug?”
“We bought these at a Camp David
garage sale. Frankly, we’re in a spot be
cause some people believe we have a
White House connection. It hurts busi
ness, as our clients are afraid we’ll lean
over backwards not to use our contacts.
We would never do that.”
“What do you do?”
“We help people. Take my recent cli
ent, the Exalted Emperor of Holihola,
otherwise known as Black Dog. His Maj
esty came to us and said he realized he
has a popularity problem in the United
States just because he tortures and
throws opposition leaders into jail. He
said since I know what the thinking on
despots is in the White House I would
be the perfect person to handle his pub
lic reactions.
“I suggested he might start off, as a
goodwill gesture, by releasing the oppo
sition leaders from solitary confine
ment, This angered Black Dog, who
said he was paying for good press rela
tions, not good human rights.”
“Did you turn down the account?” I
asked.
“No, I took it. A public relations
counselor is like a lawyer. You defend
your client even when you know he is
guilty of the crime. Having taken the
money, I realized I had only one prob
lem with Black Dog -— his image. How
could I turn it around overnight? Then
it came to me as I was dozing off in the
Lincoln Bedroom. The next morning I
held a press conference at the West
Wing gate of the White House and an
nounced that Black Dog had just been
chosen ‘Freedom Fighter of the Year.’
When the press wanted to know about
the atrocities committed in Holihola I
pointed out that as a freedom fighter
Black Dog is innocent, since he only
beats up on opposition leaders to send a
message to Commies in the bush.”
“That is one of the most brilliant pub
lic relations campaigns I’ve ever heard
of. Did the administration go along with
it?”
“They would have except for Artie
Windowsill, who left the White House
about the same time I did to open his
own PR firm. Artie signed up General
Fffft, who had been fighting in the
boondocks for seven years to overthrow
Black Dog. Windowsill, without check
ing with anybody, declared Fffft ‘Free
dom Fighter of the Year,’ which got the
president mad as heck, because he
didn’t even know where Holihola was.”
“Has anything been decided?”
“Not yet. It depends on who wins the
personality part of the contest.”
“It sounds like you run a real fun
business.”
“Not all the time. Sometimes there is
tremendous pressure. We’ve just signed
up a new foreign client. They’re trying
to get the Defense Department to drop
all export regs on supersonic computer
gear. They’re tough regulations.”
“How do you know?”
“I was the White House aide who
wrote them. That’s why they hired me
to overturn them.”
“Can you really get the regs
changed?”
“I don’t know, but I’m going to give it
the old Rose Garden try.”
Art Buchwald is a columnist for the
Los Angeles Times Syndicate.
Mail Call
Letters to the Editor should not exceed 300 words in length. The editorial stall text
right to edit letters Lor style and length but will nuke every effort to maintain thci
intent. Each letter must be signed and must include the address and telephonem
the writer.
Not a know-it-all
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EDITOR:
In the Tuesday’s, Battalion, Jill Webb wrote a letter that asked
very good questions.
I’d first like to say that as a Christian, I cannot consider im
know-it-all. I his would be impossible for a mere human. 1 would
that very few, if any, ( hristians timid claim i< > understand ideaslil: ixxl' t
will vs. predestination, or three persons in one God, or Jesusastniei
and true Man, etc.
Jill wondered if Christians recognized a foundation for the belie
Judaism, Hinduism and Islam.
Because Christianity is named after a Jew named Yeshua(Jesis
Nazareth, Judaism is considered to be the foundation ol Christianity
Islam professes many truths which stem directly from Judaism
Christianity. A Muslim considers Abraham, Moses and Jesus tobec
prophets.
Hinduism also contains come truth, but most Christians rejett
I lindu concept of the existence of approximately 300 million gods
Jesus Christ said, "1 am the Way, the truth and the life: nooneto
to the Father except through me." (John 1-1:6)
Christians accept this and all of God’s revelation as meaningtk
only way to have a relationship w ith God is through Christ.”
Murray E. Moore
Freedom of choice
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EDITOR:
This is in response to Jill E. Webb’s Tuesday letter. We would!
try and answer some ol her questions which we believe are well wall
swering.
We agree with Webb that all people are not alike. Jesus alsora
this and adopted his approach to the individual. God is the God of all
pies and Christianity is meant to provide an individual relationship
I lim, not a conforming religion.
We also agree that Moslems. Jew and Hindus do have a founds
for their beliefs. However, Christianity does differ on some major pa
Jesus Christ is the only religious leader who claimed tobeGodaw
only one who rose from the dead. His grave is empty while the other"
still occupied — because Christ is God and thus perfect. His dead
resurrection is the only possible payment for the sins of imperfect
Therefore, Christ is the only way to heaven as He himself claimed
14:6).
But just because Christ is the only way to heaven doesn’t mear
God is for everyone. He gives us the individual choice whethertoac
or reject a relationship with Him.
It is likely that the two strangers at Webb’s door only intendedtt
sent her with this choice that God has said must be made, and not tot
their own personal views on her. We would like to challenge Webbli
riously consider the claims of Christ and to make a choice for herself
Joan Usry ’86
Dawn Wright, graduate student
Rhonda Wilburn ’86
Lisa Glass ’83
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Escape to what?
EDITOR:
1 his is in response to Glenn Martha’s article “Fundamentalist
breeds religious tolerance.”
Escape to what, Glenn? Escape to an immoral society? Escf
what’s destroying this country? Escape to the same atmosphere and 1
of thinking that destroyed the Roman Empire and Sodom andGc*
rah? Is that what Fundamentalist Anonymous wants us to escapeto?
It just doesn’t make sense to leave a life of joy (notice happiness
always there but joy is) to enter into a world of no morals and hope. Ik
is a commercial that states, “I can’t explain it, you just gotta fly it." ll"
same with Ghristiainity. The Bible can only explain in so many"*'
You have to experience the rest.
The Bible says that there will be many things that man (withte
manistic wisdom) won’t be able to understand nor explain.
Yes, I know that there are a few bad Christians but that only arc*
why Jesus died for us (to forgive us).
You talked about scientific proof. Why didn’t you also talkaboui
fact that scientific findings are correlating with the Bible? TaketheF
flood — scientists have dug deep enough to find out that there seems
have been a great catastrophe where everything died abruptly.Chetk
it. They are even finding proof of Noah’s Ark on Mount Sinai. !>
proof or what?
I can go on and on, but I can only write so much so, goaheadand
with your humanistic wisdom. I will stick with the living, lovingwisdo
Jesus Christ.
Sir Arthur W. John
The Battalion
USPS 045 360
Member of
Texas Press Association
Southwest Journalism Conference
The Battalion Editorial Board
Editor.
..Michelli
Managing Editor
Opinion Page Editor.
City Editor
News Editor
Sports Editor
M
LoreiA
.Cathie AitJ
Tra'is
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