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Essay tests banned
In a long anticipated move toward
World Class University status, Texas
A&M announced Thursday that all
future exams will be given in the
multiple-choice/Scantron format.
"Well, it will make the professor's
job that much easier," University
spokesman Cuttin Dryde said. "It
will get rid of all those messy essay
tests. Who says you can't make a
multiple choice test out of Plato?
Facts are what count, not those silly
concepts. Besides, essays are so
hard to read."
Dryde says the administration ini
tially encountered opposition from
liberal arts, engineering and math
ematics majors — all whining that
partial credit, as well as the ability to
interpret and explain facts in writ
ing, were equally important.
"Nonsense," Dryde said, "We
bring students here to learn. If they
can't fill in the dots by the time they
leave, we haven't done our job."
Researchers helping
picky motorists
Texas A&M researchers released
a fascinating report today on car
drivers who pick their noses.
Nita Puffs, a prominent eye, ear,
nose and throat specialist in Dime
Box, said researchers working hard
to understand this traveling hobby.
"I'm sure you've noticed this prob
lem before," Puffs said. "Many driv
ers, a majority of whom are male,
will get behind the wheel and then,
boom, the dreaded Nose Syndrome
will hit, and they'll pick their noses.
"We've found the drivers that en
gage in this behavior are basically
bored, and they think no one can
see inside their vehicles as they pick
and grin.
"We try to work with people who
suffer with this syndrome by helping
them divert their attention to some
thing more interesting than picking.
For instance, one successful method
of coping is playing car bingo alone
or with a friend while driving in the
car."
Puffs also recommends honking at
the nose picking driver if you catch
him in the act. She says this will
work as a conscious raiser to the
picker who's not paying attention to
what he's doing.
Entranced students
led to death by man
in funny hat, tights
Tragedy struck Texas A&M Thurs
day when a stream of campus-in
volved students left the Memorial
Student Center and mysteriously
drowned themselved in Rudder
Fountain, according to detective
Mye T. Butch, of the University po
lice.
"Well according to our reports,
this little guy in tights and a funny
hat, carrying a pipe started playing
in the Student Programs Office," Ms.
Butch said. 'The next thing we
knew, student leaders came out of
their cubicles and started dancing
along behind him until they all
jumped in Rudder fountain and
drowned."
She said some victims marched
from as far away as the second floor
of the Animal Pavilion before meet
ing the same fate. At least three ma
jor committee chairman, a Battalion
editor and 12 student government of
ficials lost their lives in the tragedy.
Unconfirmed reports place the
blame for the "C-Rat Massacre" on a
disgruntled exterminator from Ham
lin, Tx., who visited'the campus last
month to fumigate for crickets.
"Well, he didn't get paid and ap
parently he was a little angry," Ms.
Butch said. "He'd said he'd be back
to get the rest of the pests but we
didn't think he meant the students.''
She said the tragedy was com
pounded because the fountains
were mysteriously running, ham
pering the rescue efforts of a crew
from the A.P. Beutel Health Center.
Survivor Nu Waive, former chair
man of former MSC Basement com
mittee credits his survival with the
end of his committee.
"Before we were dissolved," he
said, "I was up here all the time.
Most of us got away, but it cleaned
out SCON A, Town Hall and the
Class of' '86. Sean Royall was a
goner too."
Phone operators
gambling with calls
Student Locator operators were
tested Thursday for job apathy and
local doctors found the operators to
have severe socialization problems
and a terrible case of shyness.
Doctors decided these tests were
necessary after having difficulty
contacting anyone at the locator for
directory assistance.
"We realized there was a real
problem with the operators when
we'd call up and it would take ap
proximately 12 rings before some
one would answer," Dr. Ira Tate
said.
That's when the doctors made a
startling discovery.
"The operators are actually gam
bling addicts," he said. "They place
bets as to what department, dorm,
or section of town the numbers re
quested will be.
"That explains why it takes so long
for operators to answer because it
takes awhile for everyone to get
their bets in. If an operator realizes
he or she has lost the bet, they be
come angry and curt on the phone."
The doctor stressed the impor
tance of having patience with these
operators while doctors teach them
to cope with their problem and learn
phone etiquette.
Rich Ag alumnus
to buy Texas A&N
T.X. (Rock) Ayanem, a fabulously
wealthy former student, announced
Thursday his plans to buy Texas
A&M University.
Ayanem, also part owner of the
city of Houston, said he has big
plans for his new school.
"First of all, I'm gonna get rid of all
the students," Ayanem said. "They
just get in the way of the football
team. Then I'm gonna get rid of all
the professors who think that football
players need to go to class. Football
players don't need an education.
They can play for my pro football
team when their eligiblilty is up."
Ayanem graduated with a degree
in Traditions from Texas A&M in
1945, while most real Americans
were fighting World War II. After
graduation he made his fortune in
the old fashioned way; he inherited
it. With a bank account larger than
the national debt, Ayanem began
buying any and everything some
one was dumb enough to sell.
In 1950 Ayanem bought the Ko
rean War. In 1965 he bought the
Vietnam war. Currently Ayanem is
planning to buy the Nicaraguan
War. He says he hopes the Nicara
guan War will be big so he can
build more memorials to dead Ag
gies on his campus.
The Board of Regents decided to
sell A&M in order to raise money for
Jackie Sherrill's breach-of-contract
lawsuit currently before the district
court. Last year the Board appar
ently pressured Sherrill into accept
ing another bowl offer because they
saw no hope for the Ags making it to
the Cotton Bowl this year. Court
sources report that Sherrill is trying
to back out of a deal in which his
football team was to appear in North
Zulch's bi-annual Tidy Bowl game.