Page 2/The Battalion/Wednesday, November 30,1983
United
Threat of holocaust eclipses old terrors
STAR!
Robert A
v ith hims
death roi
today and
by Dick West
United Press International
WASHINGTON — Almost nothing
seems as harmless today as yesterday’s
alarms.
That may be a good point to bear in
mind as we go about trying to blot out the
mental images implanted in our brains by
the television film “The Day After.”
Remember a few years ago when “kil
ler bees” had us quaking with fright? In
their time, they could come almost as
close to scaring the pants off us as nuclear
warfare does now.
The cause of terror was apparent to
one and all — a strain of unusually fierce
honeybees that developed by accident in
Brazil.
The Brazilian bees, reputed to have
killed at least 150 people and thousands
of animals, were reported moving north
ward toward the United States at the rate
of about 200 miles a year.
That timetable would have put them
on our borders in the early 1990s, and it
didn’t require much imagination to pic
ture what would happen then. The very
thought was enough to make even stout
hearted Americans jump into bed and
pull the covers over their heads.
Where, we might ask, are the killer
bees of yesteryear? They seem to have
vanished from our field of dread as com
pletely as the “killer rabbits” of the Carter
administration.
I’m not suggesting the same thing will
happen to the specter of nuclear holo
caust that hangs over us. But while we are
still all shook up from television’s por
trayal of what all-out atomic war could do
to the planet, this might be a good time to
reprise the saga of the bees.
For background purposes, you should
know that when honeybees become agi
tated they produce and release certain
bodily chemicals known as “alarm pher
omones.” Much the same thing appears
to happen to televiewers when they are
shown scenes of nuclear devastation.
The big question is whether these
pheromones have any connection with
aggressiveness. If they do, that relation
ship could have a major bearing on
whether some country will start firing off
nuclear missiles.
When the Brazilian bees released che
mical secretions, they didn’t just com
municate alarm, in the manner of televi
sion critics. They pushed the panic
button.
As we were told at the time, an alarm
pheromone would trigger “an explosive
response thoughout the colony” and the
bees would start stinging anyone and
anything in sight.
This dire behavior led to many coun
termeasures, such as programs to breed
mild-mannered honeybees in this
country.
In the 15 years or so that it theoretical
ly would take belligerent Brazilian bees to
work their way this far north, American
honeybee pacification research, in
theory, would be able to neutralize the
threat.
Savage bees from the south would be
met by a strain of bees as docile and
sweet-tempered as butterflies. If the for
mer became overly alarmed, gentle
American bees would be on hand to say,
“Cool it, baby.”
Such a system might not restrain the
Soviets, who currently are swarming all
over American disarmament proposals.
Perhaps, however, there is a lesson in this
for us all.
Letter: Faith in University
Police restored by officer
Editor:
I recently had an opportunity to
work closely with the University Police
a^ they assisted me in filing a claim at
the County courthouse. I found the
officers who helped me to be extreme
ly courteous and kind; Officer Don
Pauler, in particular, went out of his
way to do everything he could to let me
know what procedures to follow and to
assure me that I was doing the right
thing in filing the complaint. His atti
tude toward the students here at
Texas A&M was one of respect and
empathy.
Officer Pauler helped me to see
that the University Police, on the
whole, are genuinely concerned for
our safety and welfare, and get their
satisfaction from being of service to
the student body, not from writing
parking tickets. Thank you. Officer
Pauler; you restored my faith.
Jannie Prestridc
Class of ’c
Secret files turn up
in Virginia prison
by Art Buchwald
Under the “No one is perfect” rule,
the State department sent over a file
cabinet full of top-secret papers to the
Lorton Reformatory in Virginia. Lorton
has a contract with the department to
repair Foggy Bottom’s furniture, but the
State Department rules say the files are
supposed to by empty before they leave
the building.
You can imagine the excitement at
Lorton when one of the inmates opened
up the cabinet and discovered it was filled
with the inner most secrets of our govern
ment.
how to handle it if the press starts asking
too many questions.”
“You mean they’re cooling it when it
comes to death squads in other coun
tries?”
“Sure looks like it.”
“Then why am I doing 20 years for
shooting my wife’s boyfriend?
“State Department don’t get involved
with what we do in this country. They just
supposed to protect criminals in other
countries from going to jail.”
“Hey, guys, look here. There’s a
bunch of papers in this cabinet.”
“I’ll be damned. What kind of papers?”
“I don’t know. This file says ‘For Eyes
Only.’ What does that mean?”
“Hey, Jester, you used to work in the
government before you heisted the credit
union. You think this stuff got any value
for us?”
“Guess it means your supposed to read
it. What are your eyes for? Here, give me
that. Man, this is hot stuff. It looks like a
telegram from some State Department
cat asking for $50 million to buy off some
dude in Central America who wants to
knock off another dude who’s running
the country.”
“Here’s another one. It’s marked ‘Top
Secret, Return After Reading.’ It’s a let
ter from the Secretary of State to some
dame named Margret Thatcher telling
her how to fuse a cruise missile. What’s a
cruise missile?”
“Beats me. Let me see what else they
got in there. This one says they broke the
diplomatic code of Bulgaria and they
now know the order of battle of the War
saw Pact nations.”
“Boy, this stuff is boring. It don’t have
anything in there about how we can break
out from here, does it?”
“Don’t expect so. They got lots of maps
of prisons in foriegn countries showing
how the prisoners can break out from
there, but none for Lorton.”
“What’s in that confidential folder?”
“Just a bunch of stuff about death
squads knocking off the peasants, and
“It sure does. When they find out their
files are missing they’re going ape until
they get them back. What I suggest we do
is divvy up the top-secret folders amongst
ourselves and then deal with them.”
“How do you mean deal?”
“Well, let’s say I’ll give them back their
plans for supplying the rebels in Nicar
agua, if they take five years off my sent
ence.”
“Maybe they’ll give us five years more
for having the top-secret folders in our
possession.”
“They won’t if we tell them we’ll blow
the whistle to ‘60 Minutes’ on what the
State Department really thinks of Pierre
Trudeau.”
“Is that in the files?”
“It’s right here in this top-secret folder
on psychiatric profiles of heads of the
state.”
“Hey, man, give me a real good one. I
got a parole hearing coming up soon, and
if I give him back something they really
need, the secretary of state might appear
himself to recommend it.”
“Sure, Shorty. Here’s a game plan on
how the State Department is going to
shaft the secretary of defense with the
White House. They’ll do anything to get
that one back. Don’t shove, there’s
enough to go around for everybody, but
hide them good because they’re going to
tear this joint apart to find them.”
“Hey, we forgot something. We’re sup
posed to repair this cabinet.”
“Don’t give it no mind. No one at the
State Department is ever going to want to
see the outside of this cabinet again.”
p re pa;
j 0 n m f i;
Bs
William
ibassadc
dlippine
dution s
in coulc
ines, but
cession
e crisis.
In ad<
iat since
vernm
nds of
Jane Fonda’s business flair
belies her left-wing past
by Maxwell Glen
and Cody Shearer
yet). Workout will share the profits from,
D
>ut not the control of, these
which Jane will receive a cut of
ects, for
er own.
er. Presie
lartial 1
ihed the
ent. Ma
md Sulli
work onl
I He sa
mdthe f
popular \
nymore
Such unreconstructable Fonda-baii far.
in the grand fashion of
rays, m me gn
tneorists, allege some subvei
WASHINGTON — She’ll never make
the Fortune 500, but her entrepreneurial
moxie would match that of the most clev
er computer marketeer. Her name is
Fonda, and she’s an example of how the
avante garde is looking more and more
like the old guard.
In a few short years, Henry’s daughter
Jane has completed an extraordinary
metamorphosis to become one of Amer
ica’s busiest and most prominent capital
ists. In fact, she’s been such an active busi
nesswoman that it’s almost difficult to im-
igine her as a left-wing lightning rod, let
iloi
alone a two-time Oscar winning actress.
Next month, Jane’s personal fortunes
will take another leap with the introduc
tion of a fashion line called “Jane Fonda
Workouts.” Designed and produced by a
California-based firm (Jane, who starred
in the movie “9 to 5,” demanded that her
manufacturer be both American and un-1
ionized), “Workouts” have apparently
captured one Southern California chain
store’s $1.5 million guarantee in ex
change for 30 days of exclusive sales
rights. Bloomingdale’s and Macy’s intend
t6 give Jane’s clothes — ultimately as
many as 127 different items, including
casual wear — separate floor space. |
will alwa
spiracy
motive to all of Jane’s wheeling and
ing. They can’t seem to realize that,
days, a good commmie sympathizt
hard to find.
Sulli
ites cai
store d
ie Phili
dvil war.
Sulliv
larities b
and the
Workout, Inc., located off Wilshire
Boulevard in Beverly Hills, oversees
Jane’s three exercise studios in California
as well as revenues from book (at $19.95
and $17.75), video tape ($69.95) and
album (12.95) sales. While its executives
won’t disclose its earnings, Workout fun
nels a percentage — effectively between
$20,000 and $40,000 — every month to
husband Tom Hayden’s Campaign For
Economic Democracy, according to CED
director Jack Nicoll. (At one time, CED
received the majority of Workout’s earn
ings, but Jane, in a demonstration of stee
ly managerial acumen, changed that in
the last year.)
“She’s probably going to do everything
she can,” said a Hayden-Fonda adviser of
Jane’s newfound enthusiasm for licens
ing. “This is only the beginning...there’s
not going to be as direct a political con
nection as there is with the workout stu
dios. This is a Jane Fonda enterprise.”
Meanwhile, Simon & Schuster has
published “Jane Fonda’s Year of Fitness
and Health” calendar ($8.95) and plans
to release a fitness guide for senior
citizens sometime next year (no price
Alas, that may be disarming news to
those who have regarded the Santa Moni
ca mother of two as a clear and present
danger to the American way. From the
Atomic Industrial Forum, some business
groups and those bitter folk who hand
out scurrilous literature at airports,
Hanoi Jane has long been the peril.
Slouch
by jim Earle
“We must not be the only ones
that feel this way. Everytime I
say ‘It still hurts!’ no one asks
what I’m talking about.”
Now that Fonda is providing a lesson
in free enterprise worthy of Harvard
Business School casebooks, her oppo
nents may no longer want to, as one bum
per sticker suggests, feed (her) to the
whales. How can we afford to “Nuke Jane
Fonda” when such a move would under
cut our gross national product? How can
they draw comparisons between Ca'stro
and a woman who’s more and more like
Mr. Candy Bar, Reggie Jackson?
Indeed, at 45, Jane has learned to play
tard,
the most conventional roles. In a leotar
she coaches pregnant moms about mus
cle control and healthy babies. Mean
while, she’s taken a political back seat of
sorts to her husband, now a California
state assemblyman: though no Pat Nixon,
she’s hardly a Mrs. Mao.
Like many once-inflammatory left
wingers — Jerry Rubin and Abbie Hoff
man come to mind — Jane has only
shown that she, too, can work within the
system and do quite well by it. Some Fon-
da-haters may see the difference and feel
the satisfaction of a missionary who’s won
a big convert. Others won’t amd may al
ways prefer to think of her as the rebel
who sat behind North Vietnamese guns
and later “killed” the nuclear power in
dustry.
overrun
The Battalion
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'Untru
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