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Page 2/The Battalion/Monday, October 10,1983
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Lawyers confuse
love and money
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Memor
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Oct. 17
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by Art Buchwald
The prenuptial contract is getting
more and more prevalent as the divorce
rate rises in the country. Since getting
married in many cases is not one of those
things you do forever, lawyers are advis
ing their clients to make out a contract,
specifying who gets what when love flies
out the window and recrimination
knocks down the door.
“I love Horace very much and if he
wants to provide me with a lump sum, I
don’t have any objection. But I want to
know what numbers we’re talking about
before I say ‘I do.’”
Mr. Bone smiled, “You’re a very
reasonable young lady. Would $500,000
satisfy you?”
I was the best man at a prenuptial legal
Tht
contract ceremony the other day. The
groom to be, Horace Pipeline, was
attended by the famed divorce lawyer
Roy Bone, and the bride-to-be, the lovely
Grace Willowy, was being given away by
Stephanie Tuff of the firm Rock, Sock &
Needham.
Miss Tuff said, “No, it wouldn’t, Roy,
and you know before we came here we
researched Horace’s assets down to the
last nickel. Now let’s be serious or call of
this prenuptial legal contract ceremony
right now.”
Mr. Bone scowled, “As Horace’s
lawyer I can’t go over $500,000, but if he
wants to be more generous I’ll leave it to
him. Horace, what do you think?”
The bride and groom sat in the love
seat in Mr. Bone’s palatial office, which,
for the occasion, had been decorated with
magnolias and white roses.
Mr. Bone, reading from a yellow legal
pad, said, “Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here today to bring this man
and this woman together in a nappy pre
nuptial contract, spelling out the proper
ty claims of both parties in case, for
reasons we shall not go into here, this
marriage is broken asunder. Do you,
Horace Pipeline, agree that, in case you
do not choose to continue in wedlock, you
will bestow on your lovely bride a lump
sum equal to 5 percent of your present
assets, excluding your boat, your penth
ouse, and your house in Southampton?”
“Wait a minute,” said Miss Tuff. “Who
said anything about a lump sum, and who
said anything about excluding Mr. Pipe
line’s boat, penthouse and home in
Southampton? My client, under law, is
entitled to 50 percent of all of her hus
band’s property. But we don’t want to be
greedy about this. We’ll settle for $10,000
a month until she gets married again.”
“Alimony is out of the question,” Mr.
Bone said. “I cannot permit my client to
enter the sacred institution of matrimony
unless he can get out of it by paying off a
lump sum at the dissolution of the mar
riage. How can we be sure when and if
Miss Willowy will get married again?”
“How do you feel about it, Grace?’ Miss
Tuff asked.
“Grace is the only woman I’ve ever
loved,” Horace said. “I can’t imagine any
thing but death parting us. But just in
case something did happen, I’m willing to
give her a cool million — the same as I
gave my second wife.”
Miss Tuff said, “Horace’s second wife
was much older than Grace, and the mil
lion he settled on her was before inflation
set in. We want one million five and the
house in Southhampton.”
“Out of the question.” Mr. Bone said
angrily. “These people hope to live hap
pily ever after. My client would not have a
day of happiness if he knew it would cost
him a million five plus the house in
Southampton to get out of the marriage.”
Miss Tuff said, “How do you think my
client would feel if she knew she could be
tossed out in the street for a lousy million
dollars?”
Grace became upset. “This talk is so
sordid it’s destroying our love for each
other. I’ll take a million, two hundred
thousand, and the penthouse in New
York. But that’s the bottom line.”
Horace asid, “Don’t be angry, darling.
You’re asking for more than I planned to
give you, but I want you to be happy. Give
it to her, Roy, providing we have it in
writing she doesn’t go to court and try to
sock it to me for anything more.”
Reagan’s sense of humor
has been in top form
;; The Cla
different s
seniors We(
Hay in the
Center.
by Helen Thomas
“All right, Horace, it’s your money. I’ll
have this typed up while we open a bottle
of champagne and drink a toast to the
happy couple. Please excuse my tears.
Prenuptial marriage contract ceremonies
always make me cry.”
United Press International
WASHINGTON — Backstairs at the
White House:
President Reagan was good for a bar
rel of laughs when he addressed the con
servative Heritage Foundation dinner,
and the crowd responded.
Teasing one of his key conservative
backers, beer baron Joseph Coors, who
introduced him, Reagan said: “There’s a
little coolness between Joe and me
tonight — I guess maybe that’s my fault.
When I arrived at the reception here I
said, ‘Joe, it’s been a long, hard, day in the
Oval Office, but now it’s Miller time.’
“That’s when he showed me his Mon
dale button.”
Reagan then asked: “Where are those
Democratic candidates with their gran
diose solutions now that we need them?
The America’s Cup race, for example.
Now, there was a problem that could
have been solved with more money and a
lot of wind.”
Reagan told the gathering, “I remem
ber the days when a conservative intellec
tual was considered a contradiction in
terms — you know, like ‘thrifty liberal,’
‘modest government,’ and ‘penny-
pinching congressmen.’” He said he was
tempted to use former Justice Potter Ste
wart’s definition of pornography when
asked to define “the conservative intellec
tual movement.” The definition was, “I
know it when I see it.”
The 72-year-old president still likes to
joke about his age. When he inaugurated
the new job-training program he lam
basted the Democratic presidential can
didates, most of whom, he said, “are
younger than I am.” Then he added, “Ev
erybody is.”
***
I The cla
two shirt :
trying to ap
leader Benigno Aquino in At Barbara B
Reagan insists the only reason w president, s
fact that Congress will still be ins
and his presence in Washingltl
needed. Nevertheless, therewereal
sighs of relief when the better pal
valor prevailed.
And it’s clear that Nancy ReanS j
friends say was worried about !!{!*â– /'A I
band’s safety, was breathing easier
by Kai
One day last week, deputy chief of staff
Michael Deaver was on the telephone in
sisting to reporters that President Reagan
would visit the Philippines and there
would be no changes in the itinerary on
his Asian trip.
But in a world where no one should
ever say never, the following day Deaver
was on a secret mission to the Far East,
delivering messages to officials in three
capitals — Manila, Jakarta and Bangkok
— that Reagan would be unable to visit
their countries as planned but might
come later.
What happened? The president be
came outraged at any suggestion that
fears for his security prompted the post
ponement of the visit to the Philippines,
where there has been intermittent tur
moil since the assassination of opposition
The president is running out of li
decide whether he will run again.
He already has an organization:
to go. Some White House official!
eluding chief political adviser EJi
Rollins, will leave Oct. 15 to joints
election committee. The job of
liaison will be taken overbychiel
Jim Baker’s executive assistant,Mai(
Tutwiler. Reagan has touched bast
his constituencies and made
moves that seem designed to positiij
to run for re-election.
He also has not lost an opportm!|l chment
take a swipe at the Democraticcandi|I^P va '
at every opportunity. Meantime,dw a pane j 0
C ress secretary Larry Speakes’ stali!i mrn y Cart
een bolstered and some of the oldL with Y
from the 1980 campaign are beginniilugene V. ]
show up around the White Housbf discussi*
apparently lured back once moreiniferspective
breach to help re-elect the presider^ 1 j to 5
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Our ‘amazing’ times not without perversities
Hawkins sa
by Dick West
United Press International
WASHINGTON — The cover of Time
magazine’s special anniversary issue this
month salutes “the most amazing 60
years in history.”
labeling an era as, say, “the most boring
60 years in history” would be a poor way
to sell magazines.
It is easy to see why Time was awed by
all that happened in the p
‘ >d,
>ast hall
century, plus 10. That period, after all,
included the flights of both the Spirit of
St. Louis and the space shuttle Columbia.
But most of us regard our own epochs
with a high degree of amazement. And
I remind you that we may have diffe
rent ideas of what is astonishing. An
event that dumfounds you may be only a
cause for raised eyebrows for me. And
vice versa. Moreover, history has been
going on for quite long time.
“Each age has its peculiar folly; some
scheme, project or fantasy into which it
plunges, spurred on by the love of gain,
the necessity of excitement or the mere
force of imitation,” says historian Charles
Mackay.
In support of his thesis, Mackay cites
“tulipomania,” which gripped western
Europe in the 16th Century, perhaps
presaging our own stock market. At one
point, ‘‘nobles, citizens, farmers, mecha
nics, seamen, footmen, maid-servants,
even chimney-sweeps and old clothes-
women” were speculating in tulips, he
writes.
observe that as our understanding of
‘g 01
what we are up against comes into shar
per forcus, we are better able to predict
the behavior of opposing forces.
All true enough, if you insist on look
ing backwards. But it is equally valid to
Entire books codifying the natural
laws of perversity have been published in
the last 60 years. Such collections range
from Murphy’s First Law (“If anything
can go wrong, it will.”) to such richly di
verse discernments as “The meek shall
inherit the earth, but not its mineral
rights.”
committee \
$68,000 for
â–  The sec<
jprogram en
Peace.” Nix*
U.S.-Soviet
shall see countless validations of tk new book, ‘ ,
that “If a person is smart enough,k this prograi
pick himself up to the seat ofthepjeommittee t
and throw himself down the sti®6,000.
Already, we are seeing signs ofthisir.| :
“high technology” arena.
During the next 60 years, I predict, we
“The trivilization of technology^
of the embarrassments of the
revolution,” one observer hasobsetf
For the good of the country, Ifc
ly hope the electronic revolution«
out better than the sexual revoli®
which either ended in a scoreless it
with both sides losing.
The Battalion
USPS 045 360
Memtvr of
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77843.
Congressman determined to stop
non-compliance with draft laws
by Maxwell Glen
and Cody Shearer
chance of being drafted in an emergency
because the number of potential draftees
would have, been smaller.”
WASHINGTON — Rep. Gerald B.H.
Solomon, Republican of New York,
seems to be a man possessed.
A fiscal and social conservative whose
crusades have usually been Quixotic,
Solomon has emerged during his third
term as a formidable legislator consumed
by one issue: males who haven’t reg
istered with the Selective Service System.
What Solomon fails td recognize, howev
er, is that his battles may already be won.
Solomon has no patience with those
who don’t cooperate. Asked how he’d re
spond if his son Jeffery, 20, refused to
register, he said, “Frankly, I’d disown
him....As much as I love him, I’d have to
do it as a matter of principle.”
After several years of championing
such controversial causes as the CIA, the
Taiwanese and nuclear power, Solomon
attracted widespread support last year
for his amendment to a Defense Depart
ment authorization bill linking federal
financial aid dollars to draft registration.
Solomon was dissatisfied with the Selec
tive Service System’s compliance efforts,
which he had worked to bolster earlier in
1982. At the time an estimated 20 percent
of eligible young men had, for whatever
reason, ignored the law.
To Solomon’s credit, non-compliance
has dropped dramatically since both
houses adopted his amendment. More
than 96 percent of all 18-year-old males
have now registered.
amendment by promising need)
registrants alternative forms of fa
aid. H.R. 2950 would bar federal
tracts with these renegades,
elude such prestigious institutionsaifl
and Pennsylvania’s SwarthmoreC!
“I’m not sure I want schoolsstf
Yale University supported by ft
funds if they are going to mold thtiij
of these young people to break theM
the U.S.,” Solomon, an ex
reasoned.
Location ;
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Age Cate;
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Deadline:
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Race Mat*
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“It seemed to me that the majority of
young men who were registering...were
being discriminated against,” Solomon
told us last week. “They stood a better
But Solomon, a bulldog of a man who
describes himself as a “miniature John
Wayne,” remains unsatisfied. On Oct. 1, •
anyone seeking employment under the
1982 Job Training and Partnership Act
will have to verify their registration with
the Department of Labor — a rule
adopted last year at Solomon’s behest to
bolster registration among eligible
minorities. (A proposal to require de
fense industry workers to register passed
the House but never drew the Senate’s
attention.)
Now Solomon is stalking even bigger
game. A new bill, House Resolution
2950, takes aim at colleges and universi
ties that have responded to the Solomon
| Inforrr
Mall Entrie
Slouch by Jim
Name.
Address
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Age As of c
Circle One:
Race: iqk (
Signature _
Rarent/Quar