Victim’s rage inspires own ‘crimestoppers’
I returned home late one night during
the summer after seeing a concert in
Houston. I was tired and my head was
still ringing with Neil Young songs, but I
got the distinct feeling something was
wrong as soon as I entered my apart
ment.
The music buzzing in my head stop
ped when I noticed that my kitchen win
dow was unlatched. Rage soon took over
when I observed that my camera bag and
its expensive contents where not sitting
on the shelf where they should have
been.
done so that very afternoon, as a matter
of fact, and taken advantage of the situa
tion by unlocking the window they later
used to break in.
This is not the sort of thing that nice
folks do. It is the sort of thing one might
expect from someone with the morals
and brainpower of a sewer rat.
My original plan was to form a small
posse, find the worthless bums, and
string ’em up in the nearest oak. Fortun
ately, I saw the wisdom of leaving such
matters to the law and set about thinking
of ways to protect myself from future
cannisters are fairly cheap, and some
even come with a handy leather holster. I
suggest buying several and placing them
in strategic spots throughout the house,
so one will always be within reach. Small
children are apt to find one and squirt
themselves, but they learn very quickly
and will not do it more than once.
teach discipline and are a greatm
stay in shape. Unfortunately, fancy
work is no match for a well-ai
magnum.
A panicked search of my apartment
revealed that my guitar, violin and stereo
(my only other possessions with any se
rious rip-off appeal) were undisturbed,
but I wasn’t feeling lucky.
My state of mind slipped another
scroungers.
For the benefit of readers who, like the
canine detective on television, want to
“take a bite out of crime,” here are a few
ideal crimestoppers:
Animals—especially large bloodthirs
ty ones. Dogs are a popular choice, but
security buffs with a little imagination
can sometimes come up with something
truly original. For example, I have heard
of one business that used an ostrich to
protect its inventory of junked cars. A
jungle anaconda would make a formidi-
ble watchman; they can swallow a small
Mechanical security devices
from the old-fashioned chain toela
nic systems that automatically
lights on and phone the police.The
certainly do the job, but can beexp®
I here is also the frightening
of accidentally triggering the
waking the entire neighborhood up
lock or alarm can make a homebut|
proof, they just make it moreofai
lange.
this evil deed and exactly how how they
had done it.
notch from rage to hatred when, in a
moment of borderline psychic inspira
tion, I realized who was responsible for
Naturally, I would hesitate to call the
persons in question friends, but they
were acquaintances who had abused my
hospitality a number of times. They had
Mace. Guns are messy at best, and at
times can be downright dangerous; parti
cularly when the prowler has a chance to
return fire. Mace may not be as efficient
as a good handgun, but it will perform
well under most circumstances. There is
also a certain grim satisf action in seeing a
thief writhe around in serious pain. Mace
deer whole, so the average catburglar
would be no problem at all. Anacondas
should be used only by people who have a
serious crime problem, however, since a
full-grown specimen needs to eat at least
one thief a week to stay well-fed and
happy.
My apartment posed no challJ ^
all, which probably did not bothei if
individuals who ripped it off. Foi
reason, 1 was especially pleased wl **
was told that my hunch aboutwhohi g
turned out to be correct. Thelastlfi
one was in jail and another was in Ai
Martial Arts are difficult to master,
but they work well and tend to catch ban
dits by surprise. They are also reputed to
Alaska? According to the
who handled the case, the suspea
fishing. Which comes as no surprii
me. Those klondike lunkers are
posed to really be bit in’ this time of
President Reqgm, aland
by reports oThurgjeriri
America, re-emfines his
food assistance
ktic
by Melissa Ac
Battalion Kepor
In recent magazi
moring the '‘best’ 1
itors, Senator an
ggie Kent Capertoi
it three times.
In the past thre
aperton, I)—Bryan
anted as an outstanc
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Paraquat: high-priced showmanship
ir by several Texa
■exas Monthly,
Ibserver and Te>
liagamies commei
■in for his work dm
Igislative session.
1 Texas Monthl
■aperton as a serial
Jis intelligence as .
lan a weapon: dot
Jne down, doesn’
pemies."
In Texas Busim
aperton was desc
bg to put in extra
|is homework— a
am, io light and
And, The Tex
jven said Capertoi
[otemial lieutenan
Regardless of
Ijnes particuliar wt
agree on one thin
m is rising in the w
Butin
aninterviei
by Maxwell Glen
and Cody Shearer
WASHINGTON — President
Reagan’s decision to enlist the controver
sial herbicide paraquat in his battle
against marijuana may achieve the admi
nistration’s goal of encouraging Latin
American countries to do the same.
Earnest concern about pot, however,
is insufficient reason to begin a domestic
spraying program. High-priced show
manship might be a suitable description
for Washington’s most controversial anti
drug effort since Congress briefly sus
pended overseas use of the U.S.-made
chemical in 1979.
To date, only national forest land in
Georgia and Kentucky has undergone
spraying but federal of ficials contend as
many as 40 states could be involved.
White House drug abuse policy offi
cials, led by former University of Missis
sippi drug researcher Carlton Turner,
openly admit their targets are more poli
tical than anything else.
Since 1981, when Congress lifted its
ban on subsidies for paraquat export, the
U.S. has had more trouble pushing the
herbicide on such prominent pot expor
ters as Colombia and Peru than it did on
Mexico during the ’70s.
By instituting a domestic program,
said Drug Abuse Policy Office spokes
man Patrick McKelvey, “We’re trying-
... to show that we’re not being hypocri
tical.”
McKelvey insists that paraquat pre
sents no health hazard to residents living
near targeted areas. Of the contaminated
pot which reachs the marketplace,
McKelvey says that its users face only a
limited health risk.
He cites a study, conducted by the
Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in
Atlanta, which found that as much as
99.8 percent of tested paraquat samples
decomposed during combustion.
But opposition from governors, mem
bers of Congress and private health and
environmental groups shows that the
consensus on paraquat’s benignancy ex
ist principally as a result of studies done
by the federal government itself.
Last month, in the American Journal
of Public Health, the CDC’s Philip J.
Landrigan wrote that as many as 300 U.S.
marijuana smokers may have inhaled
harmful doses (500 milligrams) of para
quat annually from 1975 to 1979.
Perhaps more importantly, Land
rigan added that CDC researchers had
not considered the potential pulmonary
damages from the inhalation of 4,4’-
dipyridyl, a toxic chemical produced by
the combustion of paraquat and found in
much larger residual quantities.
Though U.S. farmers are said to spray
up to 11 million acres of crops with para
quat annually, a June 1983 Science Di
gest article said that as many as 500 per
sons may have died as a result of para
quat’s agricultural uses.
In that light, the deleterious effects of
spraying near national recreational areas
and water supplies seem less dismissable.
Meanwhile, the administrali
effort to limit paraquat applicationsti
McKelvey’s words, “areas that arehai
get to,” only exposes its economic in
ciency.
Even those who support marijn
eradication would look skeptically
program that has as targets patches
13 plants each, as was the caseinGeoi
recently.
Such unimpressive statistics
seem sufficient to prod the White Ho
to seek exonomies of scale, at least.
Yet is the administration prepare
spray the renowned marijuana farms
California, a mecca for environmen
ists? Given state and local officialdoi
hostile response to date, will the
House wish to risk alienating moresti
as November 1984 draws near?
If not, then the latest paraquat sc
may be short-lived. But the president
have gone to much expense and so
risk to bluff a few Latin nations andmi
more skeptical Americans.
Insurance not for paying claims
by Art Buchwald
There has been a rash of automobile
insurance cancellations lately by the ma
jor companies, and everyone is very ner
vous about it.
The other day my wife was notified
that her auto insurance policy was being
canceled. The notification gave no
reason for the cancellation, and since my
wife had not been in an accident nor had
ever made a claim, she was perplexed.
She asked me to get to the root of it,
and I took the next plane to visit our
insurance company. The company is
housed in a 56-story aluminum and
tinted-glass skyscraper on a 30-acre
shopping plaza overlooking most of the
state of Connecticut.
I arrived on the 35th floor where one
made inquiries concerning canceled in
surance policies. After browsing through
the company literature, which told how
insurance was making America great, I
was ushered into the office of Clyde
Featherstone.
I gave Mr. Featherstone the cancella
tion notice, and he clucked once or twice
and then disappeared. He returned in a
few moments with the folder.
“What did my wife do wrong?” I de
manded.
“Your wife didn’t do anything wrong.
Her records are all up to snuff.”
“Then why did you cancel her insur
ance?”
“Because of Trembling and Tremb
ling, her insurance agents.”
“Trembling and Trembling?” I said.
“Yes,” said Featherstone, going
through the folder. “They’ve been very
naughty boys, very naughty indeed.” •
“Did they steal any money?” I asked.
“Worse!” They’ve written too many
policies this year that people have made
claims on. We’ve had to pay out $ 1,897 to
Trembling and Trembling clients in the
last 12 months.”
“But what’s that got to do with my
wife’s insurance policy? She didn’t get
any of the money.”
“Ah, but since you are with Trembling
and Trembling, you are now considered
a bad resk. Their record is your record.”
“That’s nonsense. I hardly know
Trembling and Trembling,” I protested.
“I wouldn’t recognize them iff saw them
on the street. This is guilt by association.”
Featherstone smiled. “You came to us
through Trembling and Trembling, and
you will leave with Trembling and
Trembling. This company will not put up
with people who make insurance claims
against it.”
“But that’s what vou’re here for,” I
said. “To pay people off when something
happens.”
“That’s a foul lie,” said Featherstone,
losing his smile. “We’re here to build
buildings and real-estate developments,
and finance ships and airplanes and ball
parks. If we keep paying out claims,
where would we get the money to con
struct this 56-story building, with its
beautiful shopping plaza and under
ground computer center?
“Do you realize,” said Featherstone,
“that every dollar we pay out in a claim is
a dollar we have to take away from our
advertising budget, which tells the public
what wonderful insurance people we
are?”
Slouch
by Jim Eai
&
3702 S.
BRYAN
“I appreciate all that,” I said, “but sure
ly you have to pay some claims in order to
stay in the insurance business.”
“That’s what Trembling and Tremb
ling thought,” Featherstone said as he
tore up my wife’s folder.
J
|°t FREE
I thanked Featherstone for his kind
ness and understanding. He got up to
shake my hand.
“If you’re staying in town for dinner,
we have a great restaurant on the roof
garden which is bringing us 15 percent
profit a year.”
“Would you turn down
volume! You’ve kill e '■ jw
flo\ver!“ CO q^
I