I
A
Page 2/The BattaliorVThursday, June 30,1983
opinion
Caffeine: Next illegal drug?
Choosing a soft drink can be a chore
these days. In a market already glutted by
a fantastic array of brands and flavors,
with nearly every variety offering a
sugar-free option, the powers-that-be
have further confused shoppers with caf
feine-free drinks.
It is now possible to get your favorite
cola without sugar or caffeine. Or with
sugar, but without the caffeine. And of
course, you can still get soda with that
old-fashioned dose of caffeine left in.
But not for long.
Anti-caffeine sentiment is bound to
spread — remember all the heat sacchar
in took a few years ago? Parents will begin
to suspect that they are not responsible
for their children’s behavior — all that
rowdiness could be due to one too many
sodas.
Sooner or later, some research labora
tory will declare that caffeine leads to an
increased incidence of toenail tumors in
white rats. Studies will be released, with
graphs and charts to back them up,
claiming that coffee-guzzling caffeine
dependents are 14 percent less efficient
than their straight co-workers.
Anti-caffeine sentiment will escalate
into anti-caffeine paranoia.
Coalitions sporting colorful acronyms
for names will set out to have the fiendish
substance banned. Rallies will be held,
bills will be drawn up and debates will
take place. Eventually, the fanatics will
have their way, and caffeine will take its
place among the list of controlled subst
ances in the United States.
This will not, however, stop people
from using it. Desperate addicts will have
to turn to the underground market to
keep supplied. Illegal shipments of cof
fee from south of the border will have
little trouble finding their way into Texas
and Florida, where they will be divided
into one-ounce baggies and distributed
across the country.
Hidden drug laboratories will expand
their facilities to begin manufacturing
pure caffeine. Once the illicit stimulant is
cut with a cheaper substance, such as
cocaine, it will be sold to local dealers.
After cutting it some more with Drano or
rat poison, they will sell it in pill form at
profits exceeding 100 percent.
Once the use of caffeine pills, or
‘Teenies,” becomes the hip thing to do
among irresponsible young thrill-
seekers, the law banning their use will
become impossible to enforce. Busts will
be made, and images of proud police
officers next to small mounds of pills and
mouldy coffee beans will crowd the even
ing news. People will rot in our already
overcrowded prisons. But the large ma
jority of users and dealers will remain
free to continue their criminal way of life.
If all this triggers a backlash against
the waste of public funds spent trying to
enforce anti-caffeine laws, not to men
tion the growing numbers of people
doing time for a relatively harmless
crime, it will be quashed by the Texan’s
War on Drugs committee and groups like
it in other states. Texas will maintain its
reputation as a law-and-order state by
leading the way with such legislation as
legalized wiretapping of suspected
“feenie” dealers and paraphernalia laws
banning Mr. Coffee machines.
On the other hand, maybe this is all a
little far fetched. After all, this is sup
posed to be the freest country in the
world. They wouldn’t throw someone in
jail for something as harmless as using
caffeine.
Would they?
ITS OK,ADAM, HE'S NOT REALLVA SNAKE,,, HE SAVS
HE5 JUST A COVERT CIA OPERATIVE..,
Robot-politician on horizon
The Battalion
USPS 045 360
Member ot
Texas Press Association
Southwest Journalism Conference
Editor Hope E. Paasch
City Editor Kelley Smith
Sports Editor John Wagner
News Editors Daran Bishop, Brian Boyer,
Beverly Hamilton, Tammy Jones
Staff Writers Jennifer Carr, Scott Griffin,
Robert McGlohon, Angel
Stokes, Joe Tindel
Copyeditors .... Kathleen Hart, Tracey Taylor
Cartoonist Scott McCullar
Photographer
Brenda Davidson, Eric Evan Lee,
Barry Papke
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by Dick West
United Press International
WASHINGTON — As the Senate was
again wrestling with the question of
whether to impose moratoriums on hon
oraria, or maybe it was moratoria on hon
orariums, the ultimate answer may have
been testifying at a subcommittee
hearing.
I refer to the maiden appearance of a
robot as a congressional witness.
Already this spring, we have been tre
ated to the spectacle of a robot delivering
a college commencement address.
If these electronic marvels can be
programmed to accept honorary de
grees, it should be no sweat at all to have
them collecting fees for after-dinner
speeches.
However, the debut of Hero I as a
congressional witness does invite debate
over whether robots are included in the
First Amendment’s “Free Speech”
guarantee.
Senators, as we know from the hon
orarium issue, make very few free
speeches. Some of them collected up to
six figures in lecture fees last year.
But the application of the Constitu
tion to robots may have to be decided by
the Supreme Court.
If the justices decide in the affirma
tive, should robots subpenaed to testify
before congressional committees be
programmed to take the Fifth Amend
ment?
I certainly would advise any robot not
to answer questions that might tend to
incriminate him. If that means a con
tempt of Congress citation, well it’s back
to the Supreme Court again.
It is, however, on the banquet circuit
that robotics may come into full flower.
Given a choice between a senator and a
robot as the featured speaker at a con
vention banquet, how many dinner
chairmen will opt for the former?
The reason I see robots replacing
senators at the head table is because they
can provide an extra entertainment di
mension.
Hero I nicely made that point by sing
ing a chorus of “Happy Birthday” during
his subcommittee appearance. Most
senators can’t carry a tune.
The day when robots will have a hand
on the legislative machinery may not be
far off. Certainly it is not too farfetched
to imagine them as political candidates.
As Hero I demonstrated, robots
already are adept at shaking hands,
which is at least 60 percent of the cam
paign trail activity.
With only minor soft-ware modifica
tions, they undoubtedly could be prog
rammed to kiss babies as well.
If Yasser Arafat can do it, why not
Hero I?
From that point, it is only a short step
to victory at the ballot box.
Meanwhile, the arm that handed out
printed copies of congressional testi
mony could easily be made to reach out
for an honorarium.
Slouch By Jim Earle
“To the remaining six of you who ha
ven’t left for the holiday yet, drive
safely. ”
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United f
Follies on the Fourth
could cause fireworks
by Beverly Hamilton
The excitement of seeing bursts of
light and flare of sparks during Fourth of
July celebrations is not difficult to forget.
But what many of us forget is the hazards
involved with fireworks.
People have damaged property, lost
their sight, or been seriously burned
•from firecrackers.
Seeing the rocket’s red glare in your
front yard is not recommended in Bryan
or College Station because it is illegal to
buy, sell, possess or set off fireworks with
in the city limits.
The consequences of being discovered
with fireworks do not appeal to me.
Being cited or arrested would sure spoil
my holiday. Especially since citations
range from $20 to $ 100. Who can afford
it?
But there are people who insist on
shooting fireworks, and it is legal for
them to do so within Brazos County —
such as on county roads. This, however,
is not necessarily a smart idea.
Around this time of year, open fields
in the county become potential fire
hazards because the summer heat dries
them out, says County Sheriff Bobby
Yeager.
“The grass is dry, so go to an area with
barren ground,” he says. “What we want
to stress is be careful.”
Misguided fireworks that land in these
fields could result in serious damage.
It’s certainly not something in which I
would want to be involved for the sake of
a few pretty sparks.
Instead of igniting the fuses yourself,
why not attend one or both of the Fourth
of July fireworks displays in College Sta
tion?
Post Oak Mall is sponsoring a display
at 9 p.m. Saturday in the parking area of
the mall. The City of College Station and
beverly
hamiltffl
the Noon Lion’s Club are sponsoring!
display Monday at A&M Junior Highon
Anderson. The display will begin around ^
dark.
Displays have been popular through'
out the years and are an alternative for
parents who prefer not to purchase fire
works.
If, however, you decide to performili
your own fireworks display outside the
city limits, remember these safety
from the National Safety Council:
— Buy fireworks from a reliable ven
dor, read the directions and ignite them
outdoors.
— Keep water handy, light the rockeli
one at a time and never re-ignite
functioning fireworks.
— Keep a safe distance from the rod-
ets, store them in a cool, dry place
dispose of them properly.
Enjoy the razzle and dazzle of the fire
works and have a safe, fun
weekend.
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(Editor’s note: Jordan McMorrough is a
student from West High School in West.
He is attending a communications work
shop this week at Texas A&M.)
by Jordan McMorrough
Workshop Reporter
Educators in the United States have
been complaining recently about the ris
ing tide of “mediocrity” in our schools. It
is estimated that about half of college
freshmen students fail their first year of
English.
President Ronald Reagan has come up
with a solution to this problem — a way to
revamp the public school system in
America. The President has proposed to
Congress a way to pay teachers more
without a significant raise in taxes.
Reagan has proposed that teachers be
paid on a “merit” system, which would
reward “outstanding” teachers in educa
tion.
Reagan said a system that judges the
students of America can surely judge
those in the profession who merit a pay
raise. Congress, on the other hand, has
proposed a plan on a seniority basis. Con
gress wants to pay higher salaries 10
teachers who have taught the most years;
This proposal would cost more to imple
ment than the President’s plan.
Both proposals have drawbacks anil
advantages. Under Reagan’s merit sy?
tern, most of the teachers who would gel
raises would be those on good terms will
panel members who make “merit” deci
sions. Many qualified and outstanding
teachers might not be considered for
raises and/or additional benefits.
Under the Congressional plan,
teachers who have been in the profession
longest would get raises. But, as Secret
ary of Education T. H. Bell has said,just
because a teacher has been in one place
for a long time doesn’t mean that he’s
good at his job. There might be younger,
more qualified teachers who are more
deserving of pay raises. The merit plan
would at the least give all teachers
chances for raises and is a valid alterna
tive to the traditional “seniority” plan,
But unless an effective way of evaluat
ing teachers is developed, the education
al process will continue to be in a stated
limbo, and the quality of our graduate*
will suffer.
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