***** free
Humor supplement to The Battalion
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frAg News^
S
j US: Members of the Cut-and-Shoot A&M Mothers’ Club took control of
3 (than 500 Texas A&M classes today to wipe out rampant liberalism on the
H j
[lub President Shirley U. Jest said the club believed anti-traditionalist,
;> jlprofessors were ruining Texas A&M.
! | tfe can’t have these people filling our babies’ little minds with those
society thoughts,” Jest said. “That could be dangerous and destroy A&M.”
^ bleachers, we’re focusing on teaching students — using clearly under-
lableEnglish — important values about life at A&M: how to keep tradi-
* howto write letters to The Battalion, how to write letters home tea mother,
iowash your clothes and how to eat properly,” Jest said.
pY: The Texas A&M Department of English, in an effort to upgrade the
jiioncampus, has announced that it will abolish Howdy Week and replace
ih"Felicitous Salutations.” Students are encouraged to use this phrase
never possible.
ftillie Class of ’84 announced today that it will present Texas A&M with
jirnal fire extinguisher.
lissofficers said the gift symbolizes the Class of’84’s desire “to make sure
place doesn't burn down.”
lass president Squeak E. Klean said: “Aggies always should be prepared for
emergency. We thought that because of the ‘eternal flame’ on campus, we
Jdhave an eternal lire extinguisher, just in case.
I (ell get chemistry seniors to build it to save money,” he said,
le fire extinguisher will be located in a glass case near the Memorial
lent Center.
;>MTIONS: The Traditions Council will hold a Traditions Update Forum
Krrow morning to bring Texas A&M traditions up-to-date. Topics to be
»;,sed include:
uauio ^Y peignating the concrete around the Memorial Student Center as a memo-
o.Sutpupni
^ jo sje3, irming an eternal waiting line at the MSC check cashing center.
I Suiueau
jo sjea^RTS: Athletes! Why take chances? The Alpha Beta Chi sorority will
ue JU3ui||(L r anescort service for athletes at night. We will escort you anywhere on
) dn uamoA lS , For further information, contact Muffy at The House,
on luaiiat
1 jo J3C|mnt\A:The Student (Conference on Nocturnal Affairs will be held April 22.
jo|ntoj|Eo jisinterested in learning the sleeping and other night-time habits of
tJtqi-auoXi : ountries are invited to participate. The topic for this year’s conference
uillojUTMnh.it T> Do in Moscow After Midnight.” Students participating in the
■j 3 p[ 0 yjpiioMoscow may find the conference very useful. See story on page 3.
uapms^SH'N HALL; Members of Clown Hall have announced their latest mega-
uns jj|:re — a Beatles reunion.
^B\(.Joking, Clown 1 fall president, said the group expects few problems in
aSailo nlU re.
om ^ 3i3|(j, en asked how a concert by the Beatles would be possible since John
JJ aip 'uai in has been dead for two years. Joking said: “Details, details, details.
j ui uamev 5 ure we can work out any problems.”
31 '6Z,()
>3 uo u A STUFF: The following crimes were reported during the weekend.
1 uautoyvy f.Ualking Coke machine was charged with disturbing the, peace after
Mm obscenities at passers-by.
daa ncaanj,student was caught passing notes to his neighbor in class. His hand was
Sutdaap sjand he will remain after school the rest of the week cleaning erasers.
3§ej3ai student was apprehended taking more than one napkin at Sbisa Dining
eaj ju3iu||o ,st night. As punishment, he was forced to eat a double serving of the
3 ‘sjaqtiim jSurprise.’ He is in critical condition at the A. P. Beutel Health Center.
nasssmuggling operation has been uncovered at the Sterling C. Evans
, A group of about 15 students were apprehended w hile sneaking
mdCheetos from the lounge into the group study area,
rail of broken blue Ixxlies and mangled pink flesh was all that was left at
jeChicken following a rumble between the Smurfs and the Strawberry
Ae gang. The fight broke out when Lemon Meringue accused Papa
offathering her illegitimate child.
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Compiled by Rebeca Zimmermann
eatherscope
i: Today’s clear skies
te you want to eat every-
ght. Watch for trolls.
As usual for the water
ret rain. That old black
itinues to follow you
o back home.
Id and clammy. Don’t fall
me old line.'Tee bee hoe.
i hotheads should expect
lav. Avoid confrontations
ikely to butt into trouble,
ell vour friends (hat skies
be partly cloudy. Today
talk, people listen,
xpeci lightning and thuu-
eet anti snow. Or torna-
hurricanes. Or famines
nee. Or ham and eggs. ( )r
rat. Or the other.
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ixotp .1(1
unmqq iJOi
jos oj 186
1 p3.inSS3Ji
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p 3| Snapshots
Cancer: Terminal clouds.
Leo: You might want to use extra
hairspray, because your mane most
likely will be windblown in the gusts
and gales prevailing today. Avoid
thorns.
Virgo: Say no.
Libra: No justice in your forecast:
expect hail, followed by flash fires,
followed by winds, followed by tidal
waves. That’s the breaks.
Scorpio: Stinging wind and rain.
Serves you right, you nasty little
critter.
Sagittarius: Who broke my heart,
you did, you did. Right from the
start, you bet, you bet. Shoot that
poison arrow through my hear-ar-
ar-art. (It’s gonna rain.)
M3 iu.nnn“ " 1,1 '■ i-i—.ii
jclaa Ajiitu
,t ids v pa-iap, Martha, what'll they think of next?!?
uipE Ainda
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*3..., Texas A&M researchers announced today that
now can breed sheep with plastic skin. The sheep,
td for their maroon color and ATM logo, will be
dtomake Fightin’ Texas Aggie raincoats.
TIM?
6 pages
Vol. I, Only 1
March 21, 1983
Vajirifieei
tells allS
See page 2.
^ •''
• • ..-. V 4^..; A
, WNt .WV
I
Minority students
for liireS See ex elusive
story, page
Another one Bites
the dust in sports.
See page S.
Way to go. Snowy!
All, Ant new
by Gary Barker
Aggie Rag Staff
In a somewhat less than surprising
move yesterday, Gov. Snowy White
replaced his three oiiginal Texas
A&M regent appointees with neo
punk rocker Adam Ant, boxer
Muhammad Ali and College Station
housewife Myrtle Crabtree.
“I think my new appointments
more accurately l eflect the needs and
desires of Texas A&M,” White said
during a press conference.
“Adam Ant will bring the Universi
ty the ‘World Class’ status it wants,”
White said. “And besides, he’s cute.”
White said the new regent f choices
were not entirely his. B.S. “Ultra”
Brite, chairman of the 'Fexas A&M
Board of Regents, recommended the
names to White and he agreed.
“Ultra was absolutely right,” White
said. “Ali would give the University
the fighting image it needs and Myr
tle, well, you should taste her pecan
P ie ” • .
When questioned at today’s meet
ing of the 3'exas A&M Board of Re
gents, Brite said he welcomed the
appointment of Am.
“He purtnear plays the best banjo
west of the Pecos,” Brite said. “The
musical quality at the meetings will be
greatly improved from now on.”
One University official, who asked
that his name not be used so he could
continue to feed his family, said that
Ant and Brite aie working on an
album, tenatively titled, “The A’s and
B’s of Regent Rock.”
“I understand the two are as close
as two ants in an ant farm,” the official
said.
Ali said at today’s meeting that he
was glad to be appointed.
“Oh, yeah. I’m glad to be a regent,”
uliitmmml Ali
Ali said. “I am the greatest and with
my help Texas A&M can be the
greatest. We can be the greatest.”
A System official, who asked to re-
See related story, page 3
, main nameless for reasons of person
al health, said he heard that Texas
A&M President Francesco Vanducci
and Ali already have been in fisticuffs
over the adjective for Aggieland —
whether the Univeisity should be a
“world university” or “the greatest.”
Vanducci reportedly lost the first
round.
When asked what changes he
would like to see at Texas A&M, Ali
said that he would like to see boxing
made a vaisity spoil on a par with
football.
When told that that might not get
Adam Ant
overwhelming regent support, Ali
said: “I float like a butterfly, I sting
like a bee. Who on that board is gonna
stand up to me?’.’
Ant, who was easy to spot in his
usual pirate costume, said he was “jol
ly glad” to be appointed regent.
“I love all the snappy uniforms
heie,” Ant said. “I hope I didn’t
underdress for the meeting.”
Ant said his first official act as re
gent would be to obtain a saber from
the Corps.
Ant said he had written a new
song, called “AntRegent,” to com
memorate his appointment.
“It goes like this: ‘So unplug those
old fogies and do yourself a favor.
That regent’s lost his hair, so try
another flavor, AntRegent,” Ant
sang.
Hearing the song, Brite ran into
the room and joined in the chorus.
When asked what changes he
Myrtle Crabtree
would like to see at Texas A&M, Ant
said: “You don’t drink, don’t smokeJ
What do you do?
“I would say that subtle innuendos
follow, if you know what I mean. P
want to see more of those innuendos*
at A&M. Everyone needs more in- (
nuendos.”
Crabtiee, White’s second house-*
wife appointment to a state board tj
said she was pleased to be appointed^
“I think the decorations in here
(the regents’ quarters) are as purty a.^
a picture,” Crabtiee said. “But theyj
need a woman’s touch.”
Crabtree said her first official act ai
regent would be to vacuum the rel
gents’ annex. jj
“I think students need better
meals,” she said. “I want to see tht*
food quality upgraded. And I want u:
see those dorm rooms cleaned up anc[
the students in bed by midnight. Yot|
just wait until your father gets home.’S ,
Pizza deliverer
nabbed by UFO
by Denise Richter
and Gary Barker
Aggie Rag Staff
A dazed pizza delivery boy for
Snake-Eyes Pizza was found yester
day in an pasture near North Zulch
after being shanghaied for a trauma
tic three days by aliens from the
Andromeda galaxy.
Ann Chovie, a spokesperson for
Snake-Eyes, said the delivery boy,
whose name is being withheld pend
ing the arrest of the aliens, was sent to
deliver a pizza to a phone booth north
of campus Thursday.
“We thought it was strange when
he didn’t come back after three days,
but we didn’t think he’d skip to
another galaxy,” Chovie said.
The delivery boy said that when he
reached the phone booth, he found it
empty. But as he returned to his car,
he was flooded with “this really bright
light.”
The delivery boy said he passed out
and when he woke up he was inside
the UFO. He described the aliens as
being about 8-foot-3, dark black hair,
about 325 pounds, large ears and
“these really clean white gloves.”
He said they repeatedly demanded
that he guide them to a mushroom
farm where they could get halluci
nogenic mushrooms.
“Evidently they experimented with
mushrooms when they worked
undercover in Southern California,”
the pizza boy said. “They wanted
more and they thought our pizza had
them.
“I’m happy to say our pizzas use
only the finest mushrooms, not those
druggie kind. Those guys were really
wacked-out liberals.”
Police discovered that the delivery
boy was missing when they saw an
See related ad, page 3
insulated pizza carrier falling from
the sky.
“I thought the sky was falling,”
University police officer Chico N. Lit
tle said. “But it wasjust this insulation.
We filed the usual Unidentified-
Insulated-Pizza-Carrier-Falling-
From-the-Sky Report and got the
license of the saucer.”
Little said they traced the plates to a
small planet near the center of the
Andromeda Galaxy.
Police said they thought chances
were slim that the pizza boy would be
recovered until Saturday when a
Snake-Eyes pizza carton fell through
a barn on a farm just north of Bryan.
Although the box was slightly char
red from re-entry into the atmos
phere, a message scrawled on the box
was still legible.
Written in pizza sauce was the mes
sage: “Help, have been abducted by
mushroom-hungry aliens. Send help.
Send mushrooms. Send the National
Enquirer.”
Radar specialists in the O&M
Building tried to trace the path of the
saucer on Saturday, but had little
luck.
“Vee lost zee zaucer ven dey turned
left at Jupiter,” said Dr. N.D. Ozone, a
Nobel prize-winning radar specialist.
Ozone was recruited from the Uni
versity of California at Berkeley after
he won the prize for rescuing Chinese
food deliverers from the hands of the
dreaded Won-Ton Wascals fwom
Wsythgs, just south of Alpha Cen-
tauri.
When told of the size of the alien
Texas A&M Athletic Director Jock
Shorts said he would send out a scot
ship.
“As far as I know, recruiting froi
another galaxy doesn’t violate NCA
regulations,” Shorts said.