The Battalion. (College Station, Tex.) 1893-current, March 21, 1983, Image 17
Zwei/Aggie Rag/ Nevermore TWO CENTS WORTH This editorial tells all! As a familiar commercial says, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” Unfortunately, they sometimes are wasted — even at Texas A&M. Too often we accept things with little or no skepticism. Traditions are accepted blindly. The conven tions and procedures of the Uni versity are accepted with few questions. It’s taken for granted that Texas A&M can do little or no wrong. But it can. Yes, Virginia, silly, stupid, im moral and just plain bad things do happen here and too often they go unnoticed — or at least they are not pointed out as they could be. The purpose of The Aggie Rag is to point out some of these follies. Our purpose is not to offend anyone, but just to make you think about the things you take for granted —’and to have a few good laughs. We spent part of our spring break putting this supplement together so we could welcome stu dents back with a new attitude to ward the sometimes stagnant life at Aggieland. Undoubtedly a few groups on campus will be upset at the fun we have made of them. It’s often hard to laugh at ourselves. But it’s something we must learn, even at the sacred shrine of 'Texas A&M University. Lost and Found Dear Editor: I lost my ring in the MSC last Thursday. It is my engagement ring and it is very dear to me. I hope that whoever finds it will please return it to me. I believe that all Aggies are honest anti pure of heart and I am sure the person who found the ring will return it. I know that I could not sleep at night if I had something belonging to someone else. Polly Purebred ’85 Dear Editor: Tm the one who stole Polly’s ring. I sleep very well at night, thank you. A1 Capone ’26. Dear Editor: I found a wallet in the Academic Building. Contents included a V isa card, an American Express card, four gasoline credit cards, travelers’ checks and three gold rings. On second thought, forget it. Tm on my way to Brazil right now. A. Nonymous ’83 Dear Editor: 1 left my purse in the Chemistry Building on Wednesday. It is black and has little of any real value, but I do need it back very soon. Thank you for your help. Angie Crabtree ’84 Dear Editor: I found a black purse in the Che mistry Building and you should see what I found in it (naughty, naughty!). Hey, isn’t that Angie Crabtree the daughter of our new regent Myrtle Crabtree. Just wait until I tell Myrtle. Eddie Haskell ’57 Angry Ag says: Keep kitty cats out of Kyle Field Dear Editor: What’s all this I hear about cats in Kyle Field? I keep reading all these letters in The Battalion ab out cats in Kyle Field. What’s wrong with cats in Kyle Field? They would be very good for kill ing mice and when people get tired of standing during football games, they could play with the cats. Cats are very quiet and no body would notice them. They are very nice animals. Just keep them away from that dog. That dog is mean. But dogs need to be kept out of Kyle Field, too. Dogs bite people. There should definitely be no dogs allowed in Kyle f ield. My brother once had this dog that was ... (Letter terminated by editor) liminary effects of the Playboy era, the supply side is now an accepted, if nevertheless satiated, theory. The standpatter ideal of self-induced chastity is as ultraist Letters Emily Latella ’56 Editor's Note: Emily, the letters you refer to were about hats — not cats. Ino Itall Graduate student Dear Editor: Nevermind. News Flash! Emily Dear Editor: Regarding the cuspidate letters of late refering to the Cyclopean nature of the expurgatorial “squeal law,” I believe it is time to say a few words about Malthusian population theory. Under the Mississippi scheme of 1719, sexual activities were be lieved to lead to myasthenia gra vis, however, due to the post- This space for rent! Vanducci speaks: Gimme a breaka Hello. Gooda to be a talkin’ to you again. You know, justa the other day, some guya from the media come to my office and he ask: “Hey Frankie, howa come this University ain’t no worlda university yet? How come you’rea not solvin’ the world’s food shortage and everythin’?” Here’sa what I tell him. I say look, I got 35,000 screamin’ a bratty kids who want easy classes and wanna park righta in fronta their classes. They wanna like make easy A’s in their classes and they want every thin’ like a real cheap. They don’t wanna pay for nothin’. And then they complain to theira mommas that their professors don’t speaka English — huh — and they com plain to their professors that the a tests are too hard. I tell ya, what’s a university president to do? I tell ya, I don’t knowa. So like I want you alia to send me your ideas. Or better a yet, I’ll like let any of you a come and be president for the day and you can see whata thesea snotty- nosed kids are like. Oh, anda one other thin’. I’m really a tired of all you people who keep walkin’ across my lawn every day and messin’ up a the grass all the time. My gardener, he like gets reala mad about this. And that big fire you guys build across the street, that’sa gotta go. I singed my eyebrowsjusta lookin’ out the window. That’sa too hot. Yeah and another thin’. Thisa so-called boarda of regents is too much. I can’ta do anythin’ around here without a this bunch coming over herea anda tellin me what to do. I tell ’em, just give me the money and go away, hut theya don’t listen. They’re a reala pain. And then we got like all these former students who like a donate biga money all the time and then wanta buildings nameda after them and want like these big prestige boxes in Kyle Field and wanta foot ball teams that win every single game. I tell ya. It’sa too much. Heya, Texas A&M President Francesco Vanducci you wanna this job? You got it. Tomorrow’s guest columnist: Pope Arturo Hansenni. You can have his job, too. have 5,500-n of this ivan 1 tc ds fi o saKh march; f adand -along H lave >' ecel „ 25» ul f edass a ;auli -jrtm 58 '* 6 plan t< iC jiefl 11 ddle Miss Pageant all agonizing aids 1 ki' s 'Oil clems Dear Miss Pageant: What type of leg- warmers will best accentuate my in tellect when I travel with the troops on the March to Moscow? Mystified in Mosher Dear Mystified: Relax and give up those leg warmers. For a long trip, like the one to Moscow, leg warmers can give you cramps in your calves. And we know how that disrupts our pleasant little disposition when we have leg cramps. I recommend a light khaki pantsuit outfit with low heels. You always want to look your best on the road. Dear Miss Pageant: I’m just barely 18 and I was wondering if the new squeal law will apply to me. Frantic in Fowler. .arioUS.P jdets*' 11 |> rl ies !ei Mis* Pagemtt Aggie Rag Columnist Dear Miss Pageant: Why won’t my by D* 1 girlfriend go out with me anymore? I Aw take her to see foreign films, to poet- ^nts Ch ry readings, to art festivals and I .prised I even gave her my Dostoyevsky, fail- u goard o guishinff in the Library into Deaf [.anguishing: I wouldn’t go out s() j|discovt with you it you gave me that disgust- . [t ^acct ing disease either. Jjdant An .Mill on hdc Dear Miss Pageant: My husband is v ashbo; leaving me for the paper boy, three . ]f a/idfc of my 14 children have bubonic pla- ^ jac gue, the dog has tuberculosis, the cat A r win has herpes, our goldfish have ick and j^s hi I just washed my hair and can’t do a jfonont thing with it. My oldest son just Dear Frantic: No, it won’t and why do you care? That’s icky. on those cold, lonely nights? Dis traught in Duncan joined the Moonies and cashed in thrt Dear Miss Pageant: I lost one pound last week. Am I anorexic? Will I end up dead like all those movie stars and singers? Cutting Calories in Clements Dear Distraught: That’s icky. Dear Cutting 4 . Don’t let rainy days and Mondays get you down. You’ve only just begun to diet. After you drop a few more pounds, you’ll be on top of the world. Dear Miss Pageant: Why won’t my girlfriend go out with me anymore? I take her to the weight room, I take her jogging, I watch football games with her and I even let her feel my biceps sometimes. Waiting in Weight Room our life savings. My youngest daugh- Jffudt ter just got caught soliciting at a Boy ^ jafd Scout meeting. My mother-in-law, who just moved in with us, just got an artificial heart and will live fore ver. What should I do? Bummed-oul in Bryan Dear Miss Pageant: I’m going on the March to Moscow, but my girlfriend can’t go with me. What should I do Dear Waiting: Why don’t you try tak ing to her some more intellectual acti vities like a showing of “Bambi” or to the mall. Don’t forget that she has a mind. •t ditty wi Kit. bo-doggi IPrcsideni itihat ov p any da; *as disc Hiring spr ; blocking ■kgSO-ys Send your sniveling little letters to Miss Pageant, Aggie Rag Columnist. ^ ()Ut0 | Letters should be engraved on white j Q n( paper and be printed in either blue ‘ res jg} itliegushe Dear Bummed: MYOB, and wake up and smell the coffee. Talk to your minister and get a piece of the mck. Write me later, dearie. I really care. or black ink. as Nazism, if nonetheless ultra fashionable in some fundamen talist circles. To locate the medicament of this poly pragmatic ukase, one must first look at the espoused minority ruling along with the solecism of the hiring of our latest sumptuous football coach. As you can see by my sagacious syllogism, the problem of prom iscuity will only be envenomed if we play in the Cotton Bowl next year. ir as we 1 laid. asked 1: me foe Sunk ihe c ill. We’ si maroon roniop. li d player. Jon't thin I aiich anyv is bread is other bus Ittack ann -oil events tt talked Members of The Aggie Rag staff The Aggie Rag USPS 007 Member of no press association, noway, nohow. The following did most of the damage to The Aggie Rag: Gary Barker Daran Bishop Frances DeGelia Elaine Engstrom Colette Hutchings Scott McGullar Denise Richter Diana Sultenfuss John Wagner Jan Werner Diane Yount Rebeca Zimmermann Editorial Policy • This is the first time you have seen The Aggie Ragl It f 5IC * C ' probably will he the last. But we had fun doing it, so it loeat °nl doesn’t matter. This is a non-profit endeavor. Opinions " a, ’ ts to * expressed are ours. So there. , "ewant t< -its of the Letters Policy apies No letters are accepted. Period. Oh, all right, if you rellly consisting want to talk to us, put on your ruby slippers, click ytjur wfilling < heels and say: “1 will seek to protect my precious bodily Itcookies fluids. I will strive to wipe out the Red Menace, wherever echocolat it may appear, to do my duty to God and my country! to lupssymb help other people at all times and to obey the Aggie Woodht Code.” We will hear you. And if you believe that, we have jiia||y ( no , some great beachfront property in Bryan ... ;i Solar reason Columns and guest editorials are absolutely out o! the complain r question. By the way, don’t you have something better to cioing. do than to read the Letters Policy? r t’re really “wfchoict