Zwei/Aggie Rag/ Nevermore
TWO CENTS WORTH
This editorial tells all!
As a familiar commercial says,
“A mind is a terrible thing to
waste.”
Unfortunately, they sometimes
are wasted — even at Texas A&M.
Too often we accept things with
little or no skepticism. Traditions
are accepted blindly. The conven
tions and procedures of the Uni
versity are accepted with few
questions.
It’s taken for granted that
Texas A&M can do little or no
wrong. But it can.
Yes, Virginia, silly, stupid, im
moral and just plain bad things do
happen here and too often they
go unnoticed — or at least they
are not pointed out as they could
be.
The purpose of The Aggie
Rag is to point out some of these
follies. Our purpose is not to
offend anyone, but just to make
you think about the things you
take for granted —’and to have a
few good laughs.
We spent part of our spring
break putting this supplement
together so we could welcome stu
dents back with a new attitude to
ward the sometimes stagnant life
at Aggieland.
Undoubtedly a few groups on
campus will be upset at the fun we
have made of them. It’s often
hard to laugh at ourselves. But it’s
something we must learn, even at
the sacred shrine of 'Texas A&M
University.
Lost and
Found
Dear Editor:
I lost my ring in the MSC last
Thursday. It is my engagement
ring and it is very dear to me. I
hope that whoever finds it will
please return it to me. I believe
that all Aggies are honest anti
pure of heart and I am sure the
person who found the ring will
return it. I know that I could not
sleep at night if I had something
belonging to someone else.
Polly Purebred ’85
Dear Editor:
Tm the one who stole Polly’s
ring. I sleep very well at night,
thank you.
A1 Capone ’26.
Dear Editor:
I found a wallet in the Academic
Building. Contents included a
V isa card, an American Express
card, four gasoline credit cards,
travelers’ checks and three gold
rings. On second thought,
forget it. Tm on my way to Brazil
right now.
A. Nonymous ’83
Dear Editor:
1 left my purse in the Chemistry
Building on Wednesday. It is
black and has little of any real
value, but I do need it back very
soon. Thank you for your help.
Angie Crabtree ’84
Dear Editor:
I found a black purse in the Che
mistry Building and you should
see what I found in it (naughty,
naughty!). Hey, isn’t that Angie
Crabtree the daughter of our
new regent Myrtle Crabtree.
Just wait until I tell Myrtle.
Eddie Haskell ’57
Angry Ag says:
Keep kitty cats
out of Kyle Field
Dear Editor:
What’s all this I hear about cats
in Kyle Field? I keep reading all
these letters in The Battalion ab
out cats in Kyle Field. What’s
wrong with cats in Kyle Field?
They would be very good for kill
ing mice and when people get
tired of standing during football
games, they could play with the
cats. Cats are very quiet and no
body would notice them. They
are very nice animals. Just keep
them away from that dog. That
dog is mean.
But dogs need to be kept out of
Kyle Field, too. Dogs bite people.
There should definitely be no
dogs allowed in Kyle f ield. My
brother once had this dog that
was ... (Letter terminated by
editor)
liminary effects of the Playboy
era, the supply side is now an
accepted, if nevertheless satiated,
theory. The standpatter ideal of
self-induced chastity is as ultraist
Letters
Emily Latella ’56
Editor's Note: Emily, the letters
you refer to were about hats —
not cats.
Ino Itall
Graduate student
Dear Editor:
Nevermind.
News Flash!
Emily
Dear Editor:
Regarding the cuspidate letters
of late refering to the Cyclopean
nature of the expurgatorial
“squeal law,” I believe it is time to
say a few words about Malthusian
population theory.
Under the Mississippi scheme
of 1719, sexual activities were be
lieved to lead to myasthenia gra
vis, however, due to the post-
This space
for rent!
Vanducci speaks:
Gimme a breaka
Hello. Gooda to be a talkin’ to you
again.
You know, justa the other day,
some guya from the media come to
my office and he ask: “Hey Frankie,
howa come this University ain’t no
worlda university yet? How come
you’rea not solvin’ the world’s food
shortage and everythin’?”
Here’sa what I tell him. I say look,
I got 35,000 screamin’ a bratty kids
who want easy classes and wanna
park righta in fronta their classes.
They wanna like make easy A’s in
their classes and they want every
thin’ like a real cheap. They don’t
wanna pay for nothin’. And then
they complain to theira mommas
that their professors don’t speaka
English — huh — and they com
plain to their professors that the a
tests are too hard. I tell ya, what’s a
university president to do?
I tell ya, I don’t knowa. So like I
want you alia to send me your ideas.
Or better a yet, I’ll like let any of you
a come and be president for the day
and you can see whata thesea snotty-
nosed kids are like.
Oh, anda one other thin’. I’m
really a tired of all you people who
keep walkin’ across my lawn every
day and messin’ up a the grass all the
time. My gardener, he like gets reala
mad about this.
And that big fire you guys build
across the street, that’sa gotta go. I
singed my eyebrowsjusta lookin’ out
the window. That’sa too hot.
Yeah and another thin’. Thisa
so-called boarda of regents is too
much. I can’ta do anythin’ around
here without a this bunch coming
over herea anda tellin me what to
do. I tell ’em, just give me the money
and go away, hut theya don’t listen.
They’re a reala pain.
And then we got like all these
former students who like a donate
biga money all the time and then
wanta buildings nameda after them
and want like these big prestige
boxes in Kyle Field and wanta foot
ball teams that win every single
game.
I tell ya. It’sa too much. Heya,
Texas A&M President
Francesco Vanducci
you wanna this job? You got it.
Tomorrow’s guest columnist: Pope
Arturo Hansenni. You can have his
job, too.
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Miss Pageant
all agonizing
aids
1 ki' s
'Oil
clems
Dear Miss Pageant: What type of leg-
warmers will best accentuate my in
tellect when I travel with the troops
on the March to Moscow? Mystified
in Mosher
Dear Mystified: Relax and give up
those leg warmers. For a long trip,
like the one to Moscow, leg warmers
can give you cramps in your calves.
And we know how that disrupts our
pleasant little disposition when we
have leg cramps. I recommend a light
khaki pantsuit outfit with low heels.
You always want to look your best on
the road.
Dear Miss Pageant: I’m just barely
18 and I was wondering if the new
squeal law will apply to me. Frantic
in Fowler.
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Mis* Pagemtt
Aggie Rag Columnist
Dear Miss Pageant: Why won’t my by D* 1
girlfriend go out with me anymore? I Aw
take her to see foreign films, to poet- ^nts Ch
ry readings, to art festivals and I .prised I
even gave her my Dostoyevsky, fail- u goard o
guishinff in the Library into
Deaf [.anguishing: I wouldn’t go out s() j|discovt
with you it you gave me that disgust- . [t ^acct
ing disease either. Jjdant An
.Mill on hdc
Dear Miss Pageant: My husband is v ashbo;
leaving me for the paper boy, three . ]f a/idfc
of my 14 children have bubonic pla- ^ jac
gue, the dog has tuberculosis, the cat A r win
has herpes, our goldfish have ick and j^s hi
I just washed my hair and can’t do a jfonont
thing with it. My oldest son just
Dear Frantic: No, it won’t and why do
you care? That’s icky.
on those cold, lonely nights? Dis
traught in Duncan
joined the Moonies and cashed in
thrt
Dear Miss Pageant: I lost one pound
last week. Am I anorexic? Will I end
up dead like all those movie stars and
singers? Cutting Calories in Clements
Dear Distraught: That’s icky.
Dear Cutting 4 . Don’t let rainy days and
Mondays get you down. You’ve only
just begun to diet. After you drop a
few more pounds, you’ll be on top of
the world.
Dear Miss Pageant: Why won’t my
girlfriend go out with me anymore? I
take her to the weight room, I take
her jogging, I watch football games
with her and I even let her feel my
biceps sometimes. Waiting in Weight
Room
our life savings. My youngest daugh- Jffudt
ter just got caught soliciting at a Boy ^ jafd
Scout meeting. My mother-in-law,
who just moved in with us, just got
an artificial heart and will live fore
ver. What should I do? Bummed-oul
in Bryan
Dear Miss Pageant: I’m going on the
March to Moscow, but my girlfriend
can’t go with me. What should I do
Dear Waiting: Why don’t you try tak
ing to her some more intellectual acti
vities like a showing of “Bambi” or to
the mall. Don’t forget that she has a
mind.
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Kit.
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Hiring spr
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Send your sniveling little letters to
Miss Pageant, Aggie Rag Columnist. ^ ()Ut0 |
Letters should be engraved on white j Q n(
paper and be printed in either blue ‘ res jg}
itliegushe
Dear Bummed: MYOB, and wake up
and smell the coffee. Talk to your
minister and get a piece of the mck.
Write me later, dearie. I really care.
or black ink.
as Nazism, if nonetheless ultra
fashionable in some fundamen
talist circles.
To locate the medicament of
this poly pragmatic ukase, one
must first look at the espoused
minority ruling along with the
solecism of the hiring of our latest
sumptuous football coach.
As you can see by my sagacious
syllogism, the problem of prom
iscuity will only be envenomed if
we play in the Cotton Bowl next
year.
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Members of The Aggie Rag staff
The Aggie Rag
USPS 007
Member of no press association, noway, nohow.
The following did most of the damage to The Aggie Rag:
Gary Barker
Daran Bishop
Frances DeGelia
Elaine Engstrom
Colette Hutchings
Scott McGullar
Denise Richter
Diana Sultenfuss
John Wagner
Jan Werner
Diane Yount
Rebeca Zimmermann
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probably will he the last. But we had fun doing it, so it loeat °nl
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-its of the
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“wfchoict