Nevermore/Aggie Rag/ Trois
fHO CARES?
orps to march on Moscow
ideal
accl
got it.
list: Pope
i have his
JS
by Gary Barker
Aggie Rag Staff
ie Corps of Cadets announced
jdavthat it will hold a “March to
m" this year instead of its
^al March to the Brazos,
luring the march, which is sche-
w begin May 7, cadets will
(I from College Station to Mos-
on foot. Corps Commander
ifGungHo said he has chosen
erland route — over the North
liedecided it was time for a bold
ire on someone’s part (to break
| nuclear stalemate),” GungHo
] And we (the Corps) are just the
lodoit.”
' dets have been taking pledges
ie 5,500-mile trek since the be-
ig of this month.
lie want to protect our precious
fluids from the Communists
ethink this is the way to do it,”
(Ho said.
ie march will begin at 7:30 a.m.
(quad and the cadets will march
jalong Highway 6. GungHo said
have received donations for all-
211 assault vehicles, various
ted assault vehicles and a mobile
jrmissile launcher,
he plan to march right smack
he middle of Red Square, knock
Mdropov’s door and present him
■ our demands,” GungHo said.
I »ill demand unconditional sur-
Jt
Inrious points along the trek,
adets will hold war games to
1 up for their assault. Ronnie
WATCH OUT, HUSKIES! The Corps of
Cadets’ will begin its March on Moscow
on May 7. Shown here is one of the
nuclear missiles that will accompany the
soldiers, scholars and knightly gentlemen
on the 5,500-mile march.
Rata-tat-tat, Corps public relations
coordinator, said the Dallas Cowboy
Cheerleaders and Miss Texas A&M
will be on hand to referee the war
games.
When asked what the group would
do when confronted with the icy cold
North Pole, GungHo said, “We’ll take
thermal underwear.”
GungHo said they don’t expect to
encounter any heavy resistance at the
Russian border.
“We expect to lose a few thousand
on the initial penetration of the Rus-
kie border and the march to Moscow,
but we should have no serious diffi
culties,’ GungHo said. “Your average
Commie is no threat to a healthy red-
blooded, fightin’ Texas Aggie.”
Beat the hell outta Moscow,” he
said.
About half the Aggie Band is ex
pected to march with the Corps to
Moscow. Band members are being
suited with special combat gear.
“ f he band is going to be prepared
to play the Aggie War Hymn on an
integrated battle field — which means
chemical, nuclear and biological war
fare,” GungHo said.
When asked if any U.S. forces
would be helping, GungHo said:
“They are welcome to help if they
want. But they have to remember that
we’re the leaders in this operation.”
GungHo said that Student Govern
ment leaders may be contacted as pos
sible delegates to communicate with
the Russian leaders. He said they also
could act as provisional leaders when
the Russian government is over
thrown.
“It could be a learning experience
for all of us,” said Student Body Presi
dent Tap Noserap.
. MSG.
Rhetorical
Committee
presents
Generalissimo
Francisco Franco
on
"Is there life
after death?"
Monday at dawn
Rudder Theater
(egents announce new oil find
won’t my
nymore?!
is, to poet
by Denise Richter
Aggie Rag Staff
pi ', cl r Ifgeius Chairman B.S. “Ultra”
v * a " 1 nurprised members of the Texas
y ‘ <n ‘ |Board of Regents today by
T jmg into a song-and-dance
In, E „„ TO lh ' University's
° !nlt—accompanied by new re-
iAdam Ant on banjo, Muham-
tusband i s and Myrtle Crab-
boy, three “^bboard - sang:
ibonic nla- ' ma " d l ,,s l len to * sfor > ‘ jbouf a
r vmea Jackie,
poor winless coach, couldn't
iuj fans happy.
idilicn one aay, he was shoutin'
< brood,
sis, the cat
iveickand
I can’t do a
t son just
cashed in
est dautfh-
ig at a Boy
ler-in-law,
is, just got
1 live fore-
inmed-out
id wake up
Ik to your
f the rock,
eally care.
d up through the turf came
tin’ crude.
I be said. ‘Black gold, Texas
V ditty was greeted with loud
bo-doggie!” shouted Texas
IPrKident Francesco Vanducci.
At that over a chorus of whiny
caany day.”
Has discovered under Kyle
::jring spring practice Tuesday
(ibiocking sled punctured the
tihe 50-yard line.
ia members watched in awe as
aedout of the ATM emblem at
? letters to
Columnist,
d on white
tither bluej l!5eld 0ne P la >’ er - I M - Aiock,
:t foresight to throw his body
gusher.
as we know, he’s still there,”
asked how the oil well would
geie football, Brite said: "I
M the derrick will get in the
ill. We’re going to have it
maroon and put a football
on top. It'll just look like a tall
player.
ion't think the coach will com-
3ijchanyway. He knows which
a bread is buttered on.”
other business, William “Big
tack announced his plans for
events center.
Hr talked about this (special
events center) until 1 was blue ... uh,
maroon ... in the face,” Attack said.
“You two-percenters didn’t lilt a darn
finger so I decided to do something—
I want to annex Houston.
“I’ve talked to Mayor Tootsie
’Whitmire and she said it was okay by
her. That way, we could have the
Summit and the Albert Thomas (Con
vention Center downtown and could
have basketball games in one and that
high-falutin' opera stuff in the other.”
Houston city officials, who
attended today’s meeting, said they
didn’t really care.
“It’s a cesspool surrounded by a
giant parking lot called the Loopf”
Whitmire said. “If those know-it-all
Aggies think they can do anything
with it, more power to them.”
Brite thanked Whitmire, calling
her “a great inspiration for all the lit
tle ladies in America.”
He added: “After the Aggies take
over. I’m sure we can make Houston
just as preeminent as Texas A&M.”
Vanaucci then said: “Hold it.
Ultra. You’re always calling A&M
preeminent. Well, I like ‘world uni
versity.’ I'm president here — that
means I have power and I get to
choose the adjective for Aggieland.”
After Brite stopped laughing, he
said: “You’re right, Francesco, we
need to straighten this out right now.
I say Texas A&M Preeminent Univer
sity — TAMPU — sounds better than
TAMWU — Texas A&M World Uni
versity. That sounds downright Com
munist. And you know how they want
to infiltrate our precious bodily
fluids.”
“It does not sound Communist,”
Vanducci said.
“Does too!”
“Does not!”
“Does too!”
“Does not!”
The debate ended when Vanducci
was dragged kicking and screaming
from the room. After he had been
bound and gagged, he was allowed to
return to the meeting.
“Mmpvf, mrrff, rurrph,” he said.
After some semblance of order was
restored, regents heard committee
reports on Target 2001, a space odys
sey designed to put Aggies on Jupiter,
and the University’s proposed re
search park.
Brite said: “This park will show the
research world that A&M is truly
preeminent.”
“Rrld oonvrsty!”
“Who rattled your cage, Frankie?”
Regent Ant then said: “I bloody
well don’t even know what ydu chaps
are talking about. Let’s forget this
crackpot history and do another
song.”
Ant's suggestion was overruled and
the meeting continued with a report
from the Planning and Building
Committee, chaired by Chairman Joe
“Jolly” Greengiant.
The board approved the approp
riation of $2.3 million for the pre
liminary design of a new former stu
dents’ lounge. The four-story lounge,
which will be in the south end zone of
Kyle Field, will be connected to the
north endzone prestige boxes by an
elevated monorail system — the “Cot
ton Bowl Express.”
The lounge is expected to be com
pleted by the kickoff of the 1984 foot
ball season.
The board also approved the fol
lowing items suggested by the Com
mittee for Academic Campuses:
— S 12.4 million for the College of
Engineering. I he appropriation
came as a surprise to Dr. H.I. Salary,
who said the college still had money
left over from the $15 million
appropriated in January. But Com
mittee Chairman Ali explained the
move: 1
“They didn’t ask for the money,
They didn’t come to me. j
But I want that college
To be the best it can be.”
— $249 for the College of Liberal
Arts.
The money was appropriated after
Dr. Whitman Faulkner Steinbeck,
dean of the college, asked the board
to replace the tarpaper shacks the col
lege now is using for classrooms.
Ali said:
“He groveled for money, he
whined like a pup.
Maybe this pittance will make him
shut up.”
— $3.50 for paper clips for Tarle-
ton State University.
“Where’s that?” Ali asked.
The request was referred to the
Committee for Finding Academic
Campuses.
For that"
tramp look
p i,.. ir v
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THURSDAY NIGHT
Wet wooly contest — bring your own sheep.
Come watch the Odessa Dudes in a provacative
showing of the intimate act of scraping
manure off their boots.
r NO COVER IF YOUR FACE IS CLEAR.
WEDNESDAY NIGHT
7:15 to,7
8:03 to 8
9:22 to 9
ffUMP protests
oice of desserts
by Jan Werner
Sta/r
lias A&M custodial workers still
iinng debris from the Memo-
adent Center grounds after a
staged by Students Wanting
led Moon Pies (SWUMP).
MP members swathed in
splattered the exterior of the
•ith soggy moon pies in a “pro-
stthe outdated, ultraconser-
HHdessert selection here on cam-
! IISWUMP chairman Bob Wood-
uie Rasa It re ^ an ^ dred of being
• jdtoeat only what the adminis-
tng it, so it
'■ Opinions 1111510
1 you really
, click voui
eed us,” Woodhead
iVewant to determine the eat-
sitsofthe student body.”
npies — a sugary children’s
consisting of rubbery mar-
owfilling sandwiched between
ions bodily ^cookies and dipped in para-
wherever j;chocolate — were chosen as
countrySto jp'ssymbol “for no particular
the Aggie Woodhead said,
at, we have ijually, nothing we do has any
•' larreason," he said. “We just
Y out ol the omplain about what everyone
i” holier to
H Vre really trying to get some
IHpnofchoice on this campus. We
get the desserts the administration
wants to feed us. Well, we want to get
the desserts we want. That’s freedom
of choice, right? Everyone has the
choice of liking what we like cor not.”
Woodhead also said his group
would expand its protest efforts as
soon as moonpies are readily available
throughout the campus dining facili
ties.
“As soon as we get that taken care
of we’re going to move on. This cam
pus is just full of reactionary B.S. that
needs to be taken care of.”
When pressed for examples,
Woodhead said: “Well, we think the
toilet paper situation is execrable. I
mean, wno wants all that industrial
strength stuff with the woodchips still
in it? We think it’s a John Bircher plot
to undermine the fundamental
strength of the University’s student
body and contaminate our precious
bodily fluids.
“Then again, we may start pressing
for more junk foods, like Ding Dongs
or Twinkles. We don’t care. We’re
really just upset that we weren’t born
15 years earlier so we could have pro
tested against something really signi
ficant, like the Vietnam War. But,
hey, moonpies are pretty important,
too.”
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