tiH 1/Aggie Rag/Nevermore
BULLETIN
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STRANGE. WOW: Members of UT’s Class
of ’87 register for their harp lessons.
Harping and Hare Krishna are two of the
most popular majors under the new system.
UT abandons its mind
Those daffy teasips!
United Parody International
AUSTIN — Administrators at the
University of Texas announced Fri
day that they are planning to abandon
(IT President
Merlin Fawn
the traditional grading system in
favor of a more liberal, “mincf-
expanding” system.
UT President Merlin Fawn said
the university feels students will get
more out of their college career if
learning is made optional.
“We think it is much more impor
tant that a person be able to Find him
self when he graduates,” Fawn said.
“A positive karma is much more im
portant than employment. What
good does it do a student to know how
to build a bridge if his inner self is in
turmoil?”
Responding to his own question,
Fawn ordered the university to re
work its undergraduate and graduate
programs.
New majors include: Organic Gar
dening, Harping, Transcendental
Meditation, Mind-Altering Drugs,
Cannibas Science, Evading the Draft,
Hare Krishna, the Peace Corps and
Yogasex.
In order to obtain a diploma — to
be replaced with a stick of incense —
from the university, a student must be
able to prove that he has found him
self, that his karma is positive and that
he is one with the universe.
When asked if the degree change
was due to reported massive cheating
among UT students, Fawn said: “I am
not a crook. I knew nothing about the
break-in or the cover-up. I am not a
criminal.”
Students in need of financial aid
will sell flowers and incense holders
on the Drag, he said.
Fawn said that one of the master
degree programs would be to create a
new mind-altering drug.
“That’s one I have a strong person
al interest in, if you know what I
mean,” he said.
Proceeds from sales of the new
drugs would provide working funds
for the university, he said. When told
that selling controlled^ substances
might be illegal, Fawn said: “We ex
pect that kind of resistance from the
Pro-war Establishment. Drugs have
always been protested by the closed-
minded.”
Fawn also said that all textbooks
would be abandoned.
“Li)te the only textbook we will use
is the universe,” he said. “It is the
source of all lessons and experience.”
Fozzie Bear replaces Sully
by Daran Bishop
Aggie Rag Staff
Corps Commandant Ronald Mac
Donald announced today that the sta
tue of Lawrence Sullivan Ross in front
of the Academic Building will be re
placed with a statue of Fozzie Bear.
“It’s a move we’ve been consider
ing for a long time,” MacDonald said.
“We feel Fozzie Bear is a more accu
rate reflection of the dignity of the
Corps and better represents the ideals
for which it was established.”
Fozzie, the lovable, jocular bear fe
atured on “The Muppet Show,” will
be depicted wearing a Corps uniform,
senior boots and holding a saber in
the “charge” position.
MacDonald said that the reason be
hind the change was primarily one of
image.
“We feel the Ross statue looks too
radical,” MacDonald said. “Take a
good look at the statue — the man has
facial hair. The Corps specifically for
bids facial hair on -any of the cadets.
“You start letting them wear beards
and moustaches, and before you
know it they’re wearing sandals and
caftans. That kind of thing is okay at
t.u., but we don’t want it here.”
MacDonald said tradition also play
ed an important role in the decision.
“The Corps of Cadets has a tradi
tion of being hairless,” MacDonald
said. “Since this fine University is built
on traditions, we’re not looking to
change them.”
MacDonald said the statue will be
partially funded by charging visitors
for pictures taken at the statue. He
said he thinks the statue will be espe
cially popular with young children.
“We feel the cadets can relate bet
ter to Fozzie,” MacDonald said. “Plus
he looks much more congenial than
Ross. We feel he reflects the friendli
ness prevalent on this campus.
“We hope the new statue will be
come a symbol of the pride and uni
queness of the University just as the
old one was.”
MacDonald said one advantage to
the new statue is that it will be easier to
clean.
“It will do away with all that tedious
rubbing with brass cleaner,
nald said. “Basically, all we
MacDo-
I have to
do now is rent a steam cleaner.”
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Corps to light UT
tower for celebrali
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by Colette Hutchings
and Jan Werner
Aggie Rag Staff
Texas A&M Corps of Cadets Com
mander Johnny GungHo announced
Tuesday that the Corps would contri
bute to the festivities surrounding the
celebration of the University of
Texas’ centennial in a “Torch the
Tower” campaign.
Preliminary plans are underway to
develop a lighting device that will
eternally ignite the UT tower, Gun
gHo said.
“We’re not able to tell you exactly
how the lighting device will work, be
cause we still haven’t gotten the secur
ity clearance,” GungHo said. “But I
can tell you that that baby (the tower)
will be glowing for a good long time.
“Right now, we’re all- reading
through old copies of The Progres
sive magazine to get ideas on how to
build the machine.”
The project is being organized
much like bonfire, GungHo said.
“We’ve got the plutonium push
going on right now and pretty soon
we’ll start stacking to reach the critical
mass,” he said.
“Glowpots” — students in charge
of the project — currently are in
volved in a fund-raising campaign to
buy the plutonium necessary to pow
er the lighting device.
“You wouldn’t believe how hard it
is to get a hold of that stuff, but a
bunch of old Ags are really excited
about this and are helping us out with
contributions,” GungHo said.
The project has become popular
among Texas A&M nuclear en
gineering majors. Nuclear Engineer
ing Department Head U.R. Aglow
said he is considering giving one-hour
course credit to all students partici
pating in the Torch project.
“It’s a wonderful opportunity for
these students to get hands-on experi
ence and surely will reflect on Texas
A&M’s preeminence in the Depart
ment of Nuclear Engineering.”
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CmngHo said the idea occurred to
several cadets after a “bull session” in
the dorm concerning nuclear retalia
tion against communist forces.
“We were just sittin’ around talkin’
about commies and how much we
hate thyyi and naturally teasips just
came up,” GungHo said. “And then
about them havin’ this big deal celeb
ration and all. So I said why not cele
brate for them by lighting their tower.
I mean they can’t wait to do it after
they outscore us in football games —
now we will light it for them forever.”
The lighting is scheduled for the
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Wednesday of finals week. Gang ' SJ3 H 1()
said this day was chosen because in rH i0 .l sll(
students would be on campus.
“Even those stupid druggiepoi sq p| no
hairs who skip class all the time i ot iquitm
have to show up to take their lina
GungHo said. “And we want as mp-spsq |l!"
teasips around as we can get.”;S issu uopt
When asked about the possL ui s; si|
long-term health hazards as a repiii||i.tp u<>
of the lighting device, GungHi saippadxa ‘
“We’re still working on getting ads
half-life number down so that .wLjjouantiA
be any problem. Besides it’sigt impiuis
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THE UNIVERSITY: f
Its graduates are among the leaders in Government,
the Military, Industry and Down-Home Humor.
THE TRADITION: HOC
One hundred and seven years of the most tradition-boui
school turning out the most blindly obedient young
and women.
Fozzie Bear
HH VO aw NHHX
THE CODE:
No one will lie, cheat, steal, wear a hat
in Kyle Field — or tolerate those who do.
THE GOAL:
To teach Honor, Integrity, Discipline
THE TRUTH:
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IT WAS ALL AN AGGIl
JOKE.
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There is one cadet
about to expose the system
... and there is a risk.
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THE LORDS OF DUNCAN HALI
CT
Corps Type
Those not wearing khaki must be
accompanied by a parent or guardian.
Texas A&M Pictures presents a B.S. “Ultra’,,
Francesco Vanducci production. Starring Tap
Noserap and a cast of thousands.
1
Opens today at a campus near you.