-
I
^opinion
Slouch By Jim Earle
“You’re right! That umbrella will protect you from being
splashed on by cars. 6 *
Northrop has idea —
advertise fighter jet
by Art Buchwald
The Northrop Corporation is now us
ing newspapers and consumer maga
zines to advertise its new fighter plane,
the “F-20 Tigershark.” There was a four-
color spread in Newsweek just last week.
From the ad it looks like one heck of a
plane, but I’m not certain if they want me
to buy one or just admire it.
According to the advertising copy the
Tigershark is a new Mach 2-class tactical
air defense fighter designed to deter or
defeat the enemy. It can operate around
the clock in all sorts of weather. It was
financed by Northrop without govern
ment funding “in response to a U.S. gov
ernment call for private development of
a tactical fighter specially suited to fulfill
U.S. mutual security policy objectives.”
It so happens I’m in the market for a
new 1983 tactical fighter, and the looks of
the Tigershark really appealed to me.
But my wife announced last Christmas
that I couldn’t buy a new plane until we
paid for the children’s orthodontist
work.
I agreed with her, but I was so impress
ed with the ad that I showed it to her.
“It’s a beautiful aircraft,” she admit
ted, “but I think we should make do with
the old F-5 we have now until the eco
nomy improves.”
“But the F-5 can’t do half the things
the Tigershark can,” I protested. “I’ll be
the laughing stock of the neighborhood
if I’m tooling around in an F-5 while
everyone else is doing Mach 2 at 60,000
feet.”
“I don’t understand why every time
you see a new fighter plane in a maga
zine, you have to buy it.”
“I don’t want to buy every fighter
plane I see in a magazine. But the Tiger
shark appeals to me. You can put an air-
to-ground missile under each wing, flip it
over on its back in a dogfight and drive
off anything twice its size in the sky. If
people like myself don’t buy one we’ll
never get the economy on its feet.”
“Where do I and the children sit?” she
wanted to know.
“It’s not a family airplane. It’s a one-
seater, aimed at the type of person who
reads Playboy.”
“I thought as much. All you want is a
new toy for yourself now that you’re tired
of playing with your Apple computer.”
“That’s not fair. I can defend our
home, and the homes of everyone in the
neighborhood with the Tigershark. It
says right here that it’s the best deterrent
that money can buy.”
“Even if you wanted an F-20 how do
you know Northrop would let you buy
it?”
“They’re advertising it in Newsweek.
They’re not going to waste money on a
four-color spread if they’re not prepared
to sell you one.”
“Maybe they’re aiming the advertis-
ments at Third World countries who
can’t afford a more expensive fighter
plane.”
“That’s ridiculous. If they were doing
that they would take space in Third
World publications. This particular ad is
directed at people like myself who can’t
afford a new Mercedes-Benz, but still
want the speed and engineering that goes
into one.”
“How do you expect to pay for it?”
“I’m sure the Pentagon will finance it
for me. After all, it’s in their interest for
me to buy an American fighter plane.
The more they can sell, the cheaper
Northrop can build them.”
“Well, if you want to indulge yourself
at the expense of the children’s teeth, go
ahead and buy one. What are you going
to do with your F-5?”
“I’ll give it to Joel. Then he won’t be
borrowing my Tigershark every time he
wants to go on a mission.”
The Battalion
USPS 045 360
Member ol
Texas Press Association
I Southwest Journalism Conference
Editor Diana Sukenfuss
I Managing Editor Gary Barker
Associate Editor Denise Richter
City Editor Hope E. Paasch
1 Assistant City Editor Beverly Hamilton
Sports Editor. John Wagner
Entertainment Editor Colette Hutchings
1 Assistant Entertainment Editor . . . . Diane Yount
News Editors Daran Bishop, Jennifer
i Carr, Elaine Engstrom,
Johnajo Maurer, Jan Werner,
Rebeca Zimmermann
I Staff Writers Maureen Carmody, Frank
Christlieb, Patrice Koranek, John
Lopez, Robert McClohon, Ann
Ramsbottom, Kim Schmidt, Patti
Schwierzke, Kelley Smith, Angel
Stokes, Tracey Taylor, Joe Tindel
Copyeditors Jan Swaner, Chris
Thayer
i Cartoonist Scott McCullar
Graphic Artist Pam Starasinic
Photographers David Fisher, Jorge Casari,
Ronald W. Emerson, Octavio
Garcia, Rob Johnston, Irene Mees
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77843.
Why
and the answer to
“Why?” It’s the shortest, most distres
sing, most confusing, most unanswered,
yet most important question in the En
glish language.
If handled properly, it can also be one
heck of a lot fun. But before you go out
“Why-ing?” all over the place, look out.
There are procedures to follow and dan
gers involved.
There are two steps you must take if
you’re going to get past even the most
rudimentary stages of “Why-ing?”
First, you must always suspect the easy
answer. If you accept the First answer you
arrive at, then you’ll probably get it
wrong. But even if it’s right that’s no ex
cuse. Remember, the serious “Why-er?”
doesn’t really care about the answer —
that’s strictly for the beginner and dilet
tante. The “Why-er?,” by definition, is
mainly concerned with the questions.
Second, no matter what your mom
mies told you, “because” isn’t an answer.
I remember a conversation I had with
my own mother soon after I started high
school.
tion yourself, not
quietly.
Start out small.
Me: “Why?”
Mother: “You have to eat t< live.”
Me: “Why?”
Mother: “Because.”
Me: “Why?”
Mother: (Scream of outrage) “Do your
homework or else!”
Me: “Why?”
The rest is too painful to recall.
others, an(H
by Rob
Batta
■The T e>
Ask questions like “Wh\ j,hasa new >
asparagus?” and “Why doIwiBademic p
every Saturday afternoon?" B Dr. Will
Those are simple questionsi, mer c l ean
start for the beginner. HL s ' neSS ,‘i
More complicated onesareiH^V 11 * l
think Ronnie is ^nile?” or
think Democrats run raboitsat| r i c . ue | wh<
the moon?” • interin
m
Mother: “But darlin’, you have to do
your homework.”
Me: “Why?”
Mother: “So you can graduate and go
to college.”
Me: “Why?”
Mother: “Because you need to get a
good job.”
Me: “Why?”
Mother: “So you can earn money.”
Me: “Why?”
Mother: “Well, for one thing, you
need money to eat.”
“Why?” is an extremely useful and fun
little toy. But watch out, it can be turned
against you. A few years later:
Me: “Mom, can I borrow the car?”
Mother: (with sly smile)“Why?”
Me: “I want to go to a party.”
Mother: (still smiling)“Why?”
Me: “Because it’ll be fun.”
Mother: (outrageous laughter)“Why?”
Me: “Aww, Mom.”
Those will be harder to a®;* Hellriegel
done correctly. And they’ll talf duties as a
and cause more soul searchingj agement a
The reallv big “Why?s” proktB As vic<
be answered in my lifetimeory . said, he wi
fuzzy ones have been tryingfotB e P' ann
lennia — with little or nosu Jr imatl<> ,"
they’re fun to play with and go.
for answering the little ones. ■ evis ,y,
The trouble with the big“J A&M, la
||)ty and T
at Galv
that they’re often too vagal
answerea. Like “Why am I hat it .
Narrow it down. “Why ami r 1iU( ^ ( '
stupid class, listening to f"
fessor talk alxiut this stupids
Mothers and roommates have a well-
known aversion to episodes like the ones
above — at least w’hen they’re on the re
ceiving end. That little three letter ques
tion can gain you a reputation as a smart-
aleck and maybe even a bloody nose, so
be careful. It’s probably better to ques-
Betermuu
B.rthur Ci
(Only y’all can ask that question* Howe
my classes exceedingly intereq 1 probably
adore my professors. Remei
name and picture are at thelof
Don’t get carried away
ing?” is like alcohol, it sneaksupi
You might find yourself at thei
ing of “Why-ers’ Anonymous -
yourself “Why am I here?”
T hen you’re in trouble.
I wonder why I wrote this?
“Why?”
•closelv wi
|t Prairk
jerry A.
ginnin
Ward
academic
I’iew A&
I One :
■ as the
,,
preside!
WNATf YOU WANT
A BIRTH CONTROL
REVICE ?
ARE YOU HAVING
WANTON S|X
WITH SOMEONE,
MISS?
ARENTYOUALOTpc
YOUNG FOR TH4T,
YOU HUSSV?
HOWOtRARE YOU, YOU RO YOUR WRENTS KNOW
W.5HL«i, WJUS®
I ENJOY
COUNSELS
TEENAGERS
/
Letters: Security problems continue
Editor:
In regards to recent attacks on women
around the commons area, the men of
Aston Hall would like to make some com
ments on security. The campus police
have greatly increased patrols in this
area, and we are very aware of and
pleased with this increase. We would also
like to make note of two incidents in
which this security was not up to safe
standards.
On the night of Jan. 23, a policeman
was seen having a casual conversation
with pool players inside the commons.
This officer was supposed to be on patrol
around the girl’s dorms. For an excess of
20 minutes, this lackadaisical security was
noticed by Aston dorm council members
during a meeting.
T he other incident occurred on the
night of Jan. 26. Our dorm was on a
panty raid and we were yelling between
Krueger and Mosher. It took the officer
on patrol at least 10 minutes to arrive to
investigate. He questioned our purpose,
an action which points to the fact he did
not know this was merely a harmless pan
ty raid. Then why did it take 10 minutes
of potentially life-threatening time to ar
rive?
We brought up these incidents for the
police to recognize them and correct
them. The campus police have been
doing a commendable job and we appri-
ciate it. The women in the commons area
are our neighbors and friends and all we
ask is for the best possible protection for
them. A ^
Aston Dorm Council
Moped driver’s
complaints
Editor:
This is “Ellie May,” live from atop her
“mitzubishi” moped, and I would like to
tell Mr. Eagle a thing or two about cam
pus traffic and parking problems — he
forgot to mention a third hazard con
cerning campus traffic — pedestrians.
have to continually stop like Fredf
stone (leaving tennis shoe rubber!®'
to avoid hitting a jaywalker.
As a moped rider, I’d liketoadd
the University doesn’t seem to t
whether to classify mopeds as bicycfc
motorcycles and as a consequencetti |
ticketed for parking in bikeracksait
motorcycle slots.
“Ellie May,” here, dislikes dh, so much,
you thoughtless clodhoppers who delight
in bounding off sidewalks — hurling
your senseless bodies into the path of an
oncoming vehicle traveling at 30 miles an
hour — and you’re believing it’s going to
stop for you. That’s almost cute.
Would someone with campus rejfj
dons please determine where theow
of pubescent motorcycles are allow
park. T he only method I’ve founii
avoid parking tickets is to scoot up
sidewalks and park along build^
where police cars can’t follow.
It would be nice if you pedestrian-
types could be more considerate of us
bicycle, motorcycle, moped and auto
mobile drivers. T here are crosswalks de
signed for you but it seems that walking
an extra 15 feet to cross at the designated
area is too much trouble. So, instead, you
just step off the sidewalk anywhere you
please, whenever the mood strikes you.
But to get back to Mr. Eagle—jusi
question: What’s the deal with you:
least mopeds make enough noise so'
can hear us coming and can getouto!'
way.
Cathy Campbell
:
Thanks, Josh
Editor:
Editor’s Note: This letter was accompa
nied by 23 signatures.
It has come to the point where there
are less obstacles and traffic on the side
walks than in the streets. I find it a good
deal safer as well as less congested to ride
my massively rugged scare-mobile
around the buildings to get to classes on
time because you pedestrians make it so
difficult to use the road ways. A simple
two-minute excursion by way of the
street turns into a 15-minute ordeal if I
I’d like to express my thanks tot'
pus Crusade for Christ for sponsor' ,
Josh McDowell, on Thursday eveniif
found his talk, “How to Know YoiiF
Love,” both helpful and entertainir
I’m glad that Christian organizations
allowed to bring speakers hereto/
— especially to speak on such reli
topics. Again, thanks Campus CiW 1 ]