opinion
July 8,1
By Jim
Earle
Slouch
“This is the last year I rent a mailbox. I figure that each
letter this year has cost me $2 when I figure in box rent! 9 *
Haig resignation
a career change
by Art Buchwald
The difference between our political
system and some others I won’t mention
is that if you are a high official and fall in
disfavor with the leader, instead of
asking political asylum you become a very
hot literary and show biz personality.
While A1 Haig may have lost many of
the perks he was entitled to as Secretary
of State, his lively career and combative
spirit give him an opportunity to laugh all
the way to the bank.
This is what happens when someone
with a very high profile gets the boot
from the government.
The first call he receives is from Fast
Fingers Dundy, the literary agent. “Al, I
just talked to Burntwood Press. They
made me an offer of $ 1 million for worl
dwide rights to your book.”
“I don’t have a book.”
“You do now. You’re hot, Al. Before
you walked the plank for Reagan, I
couldn’t get $50 for your memoirs. But
after your resignation the phone rang off
the hook. Give us a lot of Watergate, a lot
of Nixon and a lot of the inside stuff
about how the Reagan White House gave
you the sword, and you’ll be the Reader’s
Digest foldout for February.”
“I’m not sure I want to write a book.”
“Don’t play games, Al. You’re hot now,
but the attention span in this country is
down to 10 minutes. Every week you de
lay, they’ll chop 200 grand off the offer.”
The phone rings in the Haig house
hold again.
“This is Hiram Beaumont with the
Beaumont Lecture Bureau. Sorry to hear
you lost your job, Mr. Haig, but we were
wondering if you would take a lecture
date for the Junior League Town Hall
series in Rochester this fall?”
“I don’t have a lecture put together.”
“Just wing it. They want to see you as
much a hear you. Tell them how Wein
berger did you in, how Bill Clark doesn’t
know El Salvador from Las Vegas, how
Richard Allen got his Seiko watch, and
how they sat you in the wrong seat on Air
Force One when you went to France.
We’re talking big money now, Mr. Haig;
not the peanuts we got you when you left
NATO.”
“How big?”
“While your popularity lasts, I can get
you as much as they pay Kissinger. Of
course after six months you may have to
start doing Kiwanis dates again. But peo
ple are funny and willing to payjust to see
how you are holding up under your
ordeal. There’s nothing that excites an
audience like a guy who has just been
personally sacked by the President.”
“I’ll get back to you.”
RING, RING, RING.
“General Haig. This is the Dabney
Advertising Agency. We were making up
our late 1983 advertising schedule for
one of our clients, and we were wonder
ing if you would be interested in doing a
TV commercial a year from next De
cember.”
“Who is your client?”
“The American Express Credit Card
people. All you would have to do is stand
up in the lobby of an airport and say ‘Do I
look familiar? I used to be the secretary
of State. Nobody knows who I am any
more and that’s why I never leave home
without my American Express Card.’ It
only takes a day, General, and you get
paid every time it runs. If you have any
questions, call Senator Sam Ervin. The
commercial has given him a whole new
career.”
“I’ll have to talk it over with my wife.”
RING, RING, RING.
“Al, President Gerry Ford speaking.
Sorry to hear about the falling out be
tween you and Ronnie. What I’m calling
about is, now that you’ve got time on your
hands, I was wondering if you’d still like
to play in my Pro-Celebrity Tennis Tour
nament here in Palm Springs.”
“I didn’t think you’d still want me to
play in your Tennis Tournament now,
sir.”
“I sure do. Just because a man leaves
public office doesn’t mean his career is
over.”
The Battalion
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West Beirut — a last stand?
With overwhelming military superior
ity, Israel will soon achieve its objective in
Lebanon. Effectively containing the
6,000 Palestinian guerillas — and nearly
250,000 innocent Lebanese civilians —
inside West Beirut, Israel’s terms for
peace are no less than in complete with
drawal of the Palestinian Liberation
Organization from all of Lebanon. The
inextricable dilemma for the PLO is in
deciding whether to concede defeat and
leave, and if so where, or to fight on.
behrooz
moghaddam
the PLO as the legitimate voice
Palestinian people — something nn
the world has done. Israel continii
maintain military rule in the westl
presumably preparing to annex it.
finally, following the return of the
to Egypt in April, Menachem
swore to never again relinquish am
inch of territory under Israeli cot m
The Arab states face two obstacles in
accepting patronage over the PLO. First,
presuming they accept the responsibility
and the PLO resumes its raids into Israel,
regardless of the host government’s in
volvement, they would risk imminent
Israeli wrath. Lebanon is a frightening
case in point for them.
The second inhibition is a consequ
ence of the domestic constraints existing
in all the Arab states. In short, because
dictatorships are ubiquitous in the Mid
dle East, latent instability is coincidentally
present. The Shah of Iran’s fall has sub
stantially reinforced this reality. Hence,
there prevails the fear of a potentially
albeit, indirectly, destabilizing threat to
the various governments with the pre
sence of thousands of armed and inde
pendent guests.
As such, it is not surprising that Jor
dan fought a bloody war with the PLO in
1971 or that Syria has not allowed PLO
use of its soil as a base for raids against
Israel. Egypt, for its part, will accept PLO
presence only if the latter desist from
military activity. Even Lybia, the most
anti-Israel of them all, advised only that
the Palestinians commit suicide to im
mortalize their cause, rather than offer
ing the sanctuary. The list goes on.
Hence, the end result for the PLO in
moving out is, above all, military impo
tence. The inevitable question Yassir
Arafat must ask himself, therefore, is
whether his remaining diplomatic strings
will suffice to eventually pull Israel to
ward compromise on the Palestinian
homeland issue. A brief review of Tel
Aviv’s diplomacy vis a vis Palestinian
claims paints a gloomy picture.
The Jewish state has never recognized
rfU CHIN
id joint me<
;ld at noon
Something tells me the PLO’s
malic weight will be compelled toi
soon as it runs out of bullets. Noto
condone or promote military soluti
can nevertheless appreciate the
realities awaiting this Palestinian 01
zation if indeed it disarms and re
from the battlefield.
Thus, it appears the second am
alternative, namely fighting on toiHT) O
man if need be, may after all be the* J)
W
T
iCOPAL :
eet for He
alter bury 1
choice.
In the last analysis, no matterj
United Press
choice is opted for, the Palestinian^* kT
tion will not go away. Other PLOr ^
emerge and other Lebanons willsj
The only difference will be thattoL^ ^
row’s guerillas will have one morett federal
cry. Id KERA-1
Israel must come to the realizfty produce
that the issue is not a few thousandiroynnns and
with guns but two million Palestijees or risk
without homes.
a station
uesday.
. Richard 1
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ider the sign
“Gentlemen, as your battalion com
mander, I’ve called you together to give
you a briefing on our next mission.”
“Where are we going, sir?”
“We’ve got orders direct from the
White House, men. We’re going to stand
by to supervise the withdrawal of PLO
personnel from west Beirut.”
“Are we going to be armed, sir?”
“Yes, of course. We’ll carry full combat
gear.”
“So if the PLO shoots at us, we can
shoot back?”
“That’s not the idea. We’re supposed
to get them out of Lebanon, not shoot
them.”
“But what if they shoot at us first?”
“Just make sure they don’t. Next ques
tion.”
“What if the Israelis shoot at us by mis
take, sir?”
“The Israeli gunners are better than
that. If they shoot at us, it won’t be by
mistake. Next question.”
“How many of us are going to go?”
“We’ll have to wait for the President
and the news services to decide. The
President’s last statement talked about a
BLT of 1,800, but some of the wire ser
vices and the TV networks are still put
ting the figure at ‘about 1,000.’ My best
guess is that they’ll compromise at about
1,500, that being a nice round figure and
all.”
“A ‘BLT,’ sir? I thought eating bacon
was against their religion or something.”
“A BLT is a Battalion Landing Team,
Private, not a sandwich. And these aren’t
Jews, they’re Moslem. But some of the
natives are Christian. If you have any
more questions, go ask the chaplain.
Next question.”
“Where are we going to take them,
sir?”
“The Sixth Fleet is going to split them
up and take them to some other countries
away from Israel.”
“Where are they going to put them,
sir? There’s not much extra space aboard
a destroyer.”
“Well, either they’ll bring in some
they’ll be able to hurt is people. Noll
you need to worry about, Corporall
“Why do they get to keep f
weapons, sir?”
troop ships, or they’ll stack them in the
holds of the aircraft carriers. I don’t
think that part’s been figured out yet.”
“But what will deporting them solve,
sir? Couldn’t they just agree to meet
somewhere again?”
“Probably, but since all they’re going to
have to eat are bullets and hand gre
nades, they probably won’t get far.”
“You mean they’re going to get to keep
their weapons? How are we supposed to
take them somewhere else if they’re still
armed?”
“Well, they won’t be allowed to take
any heavy weapons with them, so they
won’t be able to seriously hurt any of our
ships. All they can keep are light
weapons, like pistols and rifles and sub
machine guns and hand grenades, so all
“It’s part of the American ethicolf
play, Private. This way, they don’tfefj
much like they actually surrendei:
They’re just quitting and going s(|
where else, and we’re giving themaf
ride. And the Israelis don’t haveateif
ist organization right in their back)
We’re big enough to do things like!
After all, we sided with Britain duf
the Falkland Islands crisis, butwe’rcf
friends with Argentina, because!
didn’t really do anything to i
British.”
“So it’s kind of like a big brother bn
ing up a fight?”
“You might say that. The PLOk !
Israel so much they won’t negotialf I
we’re going to help both sides. Andk 1 ‘
hates the PLO so much they don’t wa#
talk to them, either.”
“Sir, what if they decide they don't]
us, either? After all, the PLO’s beenfitj
ing with the Israelis for years now,
the Israelis are pro-American.”
“No, Corporal, that’s not the war)
America is pro-Israeli. There’s a
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