opinion
A new theory on how
the world was created
By DICK WEST
United Press International
WASHINGTON — Basically, there
are three main theories of how the world
began.
Two of them — those put forward by
“evolutionists” and “creationists” — fi
gured in a recent court test in Arkansas.
The third, which may come closest to fit
ting the facts as we know them, is rarely
taught in public schools anywhere.
Formulated by Robert Orben, a scien-
tific-minded former White House
speechwriter, it postulates that the world
was put together by a congressional com
mittee.
Newness may be one reason the
Orben Theory has not gained a big fol
lowing. There simply hasn’t been time
for the committee concept, which is only
two weeks old, to be tested against Ein
stein’s laws, mulled over during the cock
tail hour and otherwise held up to the
light for close study.
Until it has been around at least long
enough to reach the Supreme Court, it is
folly to dismiss committeeism as “unsci
entific,” as some critics are doing.
Indeed, the more you think about it,
the more it grows on you.
Just as the camel is said to be a horse
that was put together by a committee, this
particular view of primordium implies
that the committee that put the world
together was trying to make something
else.
Viewed in that light, the dawning of
the universe finally starts to make sense.
The next question a committeeist en
counters is: What was the committee
trying to do when it made the world?
Here again, in the absence of eyewit
ness testimony, the answer must be cir
cumstantial. However, knowing what we
do now of the committee process, it is
logical to assume that what the committee
had in mind was a new congressional
office building.
We all know how committees function
— an amendment here, and amendment
there, and the next thing you know the
whole mess has gotten out of hand.
That is more or less how the existing
congressional office buildings came into
being, and if we drift back far enough in
time we can readily imagine the world
starting the same way.
The world’s spherical shape most like
ly was a compromise between a commit
tee faction that wanted a rectangular
office building and a highly vocal minor
ity that was holding out for a rhomboid.
The vote to put the world into elliptic
al orbit between Venus and Mars could
only have come after a motion to put it
between Jupiter and Saturn failed on a
tie vote.
The world’s 7,918-mile diameter
probably was changed three times during
construction, resulting in a huge cost
overrun and a f ederal indictment against
one of the subcontractors who had con
tributed to the wrong party.
In the circumstances, ask not whether
the world was formed scientifically. Just
be thankful it didn’t turn out to be
another Rayburn Building.
Slouch
By Jim Earle
poor BALL
MfWS
“7 hat’s it. That’s all I know about the latest develope-
ments.”
I
Letters: Regents are
Editor:
Spirit and brotherhood: they are not
only a tradition at Texas A&M — they are
virtues that are embedded deep within
every Aggie’s heart. From a simple “how
dy” to helping others, Aggies display
many outright examples of spirit and
brotherhood every day. No other institu
tion can boast of such devotion and re
spect. This is one of many reasons why we
are proud to be Texas Aggies.
However, a curious thing has hap
pened to several men who occupy presti
gious seats in the upper echilon of Texas
A&M’s hierarchy of power. We Aggies
want only the best for our school and
hope that the Texas A&M Board of Re
gents will carry out this wish. However, in
order to obtain the best, in this case athle
tic director, the regents have seen Fit to
use methods that do nothing but blan-
tantlv tarnish the good name of Texas
A&M The .. and 1 so
many coaches and athletic directors in
the past that we are dizzy from the
change. The students have shown their
distaste for the reckless bungling of
Texas A&M’s regents. These students’
spirit and brotherhood have brought
them together to protest the profane use
of power and money as a vile instrument
against our athletic program. The letters
and protests are not heard, though. It
seems that when one becomes a regent he
becomes a god, and thus the virtues of
spirit, brotherhood and even democracy
are discarded as useless tools to obtaining
an end that pleases only those who are
regents. Money and power are the ob
jects of the game with the regents the
winners and the students, faculty and
reputation of Texas A&M the losers.
As students, our spirit and brother
hood will remain undaunted, for we love
Texas A&M. We pledge our support to
Tom Wilson and Jackie Sherrill.
Steve Allender ’83
We all bear the shame
Editor:
I earned the right to wear my Aggie
ring in 1979. Most of the time I have been
able to wear it proudly, but right now I
feel like yanking it off of my hand an
flushing it down the toilet. I can no lon
ger dismiss this latest Aggie Joke as an
isolated incidents as I have our previous
“mistakes” such as Emory Ballard’s
forced resignation and the Saber Rattling
Incident. We will all ultimately bear the
burden of responsibility for this unfor
tunate situation as Aggies have gained
the reputation in the eyes of non-Aggies
for cockiness, egotism and ungracious-
Batta I ion/Page 2
January 21, 1982
by Jem
Bat
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775-TIPS.
I Crimes
Hired on tl
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ttired Grin
Seen solvet
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lous calls
Ks been r<
By VEP
Bat
■ Althougl
Making a few points about lines
not be cone
early in th
Since I’ve come to A&M, I’ve had to
face the one particular bane of multi
tudes of people living closely together —
the curse of lines.
There are lines to eat at Sbisa. Lines to
drink at the Chicken. Lines to use the
toilet at football games (easily disting
uished by the patrons’ grimaces). Lines to
register for school. There’s even that last
line to get your diploma.
Some people handle lines well. Many
students look good just standing there,
like they haven’t anything better to do
but remain in one spot in their spiffy new
loafers.
staying for hours, yet it never permits
you to take a full forward stride.
Third, and most dangerous, is the
stagnant line. Often one of these can
amass a mile’s length of people without
ever giving a clue to its destination.
Suicide lurks at a staggering rate in stag
nant lines, so they are legally confined to
government-involved operations.
But I lose my mind in those futile
sinuous gatherings. I’m very anxious that
I’ll be in the wrong line. As soon as I get
to the front, I know that a lady wearing a
wig behind a counter will tell me that I
don’t belong there, and I’ll mope off feel
ing rejectee!. Or if I tell a person next to
me to hold my place while I go check at
the front, I’ll return, knowing that I was
in the right line, only to find the guy next
to me wasn’t, so he left.
The best I can Figure, three kinds of
lines exist.
Once in any kind of line, I’m never
quite sure how to entertain myself while I
wait, reading is one answer, but I’m
afraid I’ll look like I’m trying to impress
everyone around me. And if I really do
get into a book, once I look up, I Find a
huge gap between my half of the group
and the people in front of me who have
moved on. Horribly embarrassing.
examinatio
pg on the
olfered by
Iducatiom
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Educati
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Dr. Micha
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help impre
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sroom leai
The cla
■men in the
pble to all s
persons behind me and bash theB J°P 1CS;
vdopment
ters’ heads in. No one usually anstv®L
.._u 1 time, notet
First, there’s the rapid line — the one
you can see move, which is usually a pre
requisite for my having anything to do
with all that humanity.
Second, is the tedious line. It moves
just often enough to seduce you into
Studying other folks around me some
times proves amusing. However, I am
almost always situated amidst a small
population of ugly, boring-looking peo
ple. Old men with grotesque noses, ladies
with Figures that resemble bean-bag
chairs, and small children who slobber
too profusely to be cute.
My last resort is trying to balance my
checkbook, but I’ve never been in a line
long enough to do that.
What exasperates me most about lines
concerns the jerks who cut. I think they
do it just a few places ahead of me in
order to irritate me that much more. I
always want to raise a mob from those
call though. Kategies
What’s worse, is a schumck whosjU jj e C(
have sat behind me in some da tunity for
semester who rushes up and obsetf their vocai
ly asks me, “Say, Dan. What’reyubH “Studyii
buddy?” .vacuum a
“What the hell does it look likel Ash said,
to?” I mumble to myself. “Tminili^ ,^ )r ’
pid line trying to hide from you. A Ir 01 ^ 11 ™**
name is Dave. gL° ific cl
He’ll babble on and on for a s fh e dul e
calling me Dan again, until he finBtroducti
around to asking, “Listen, Dan. Igfflarning
through this here line, too. Mind psvcholog
me a nlace?” WE require
me a place?
“Well, that’s not really fair to
“C’mon, dude.”
People I don’t like and don’t
out always call me “dude.”
require
signed fo
courses.
Ash stn
neither a
nor a co
“Oh, thanks, dude,” and he’ll st(K. ove stl
line ... in front of me!
feel this
dent whe
your turn
above brotherhood, democraC
ness. This “mistake” will be a hard one to
live down.
In turning down the lucrative A&M
offer for the head coach and athletic di
rector positions, Bo Schembechler said
that some things are more inportant than
money. I agree. There are also some
things more important than a winning
football season — honesty, integrity, and
tack — virtues which some Aggies in
High Places are sorely lacking. It would
not surprise me at all that after this epi
sode is over, we will not be able to attract
another high quality football coach like
Tom Wilson for a long, long time. If we
don’t make it to the Cotton Bowl for
another 40 years, it will be our just re
ward.
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Dixie Peterson
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77843.”
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