Page 12 THE BATTALION
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 6, 1978
Divorcees battle loneliness and gloom
By CINDY JACOBSON
Special to The Battalion
One toothbrush is thrown in the
bathroom drawer, and now it only
takes one plate to set the table. He
took his pipe and Nikes, she took
her needlepoint and electric hair-
curlers.
It’s called divorce from the “D”
for depression to the “E” for empti
ness, almost every divorced person
knows the devastating effects a di
vorce causes.
Ann Brinkley, ex-wife of network
newsman David Brinkley, said,
“Divorce is a rotten thing to go
through — and rotten to live with
after it’s finished.”
So far this year, 784 Brazos
County couples have purchased
marriage licenses. Yet last year, 528
couples filed for a divorce, 441 of
which were granted, according to
the files in the District Clerk’s of
fice.
What are these divorced people
saying?
IF THIS TREND continues, for
every two marriages in this area,
there will be one divorce.
Graduates
— “I had a vision of being the
perfect housewife. I planned to go to
school, work part-time and keep
house. I was going to be every
thing,” Jean said.
— "My wife and I began to lose
touch. I work offshore with Gulf
and she’s a nurse. I was talking ship;
she was talking nursing. And neither
one of us gave a damn about what
the other one was saying,” Bob said.
"He was irresponsible. I paid the
bills, controlled the pocketbook and
decided what to buy. I was even
earning the highest salary,” Laura
said.
THERE YOU HAVE it. Three
common causes for the high number
of divorces: unrealized expectations,
a lack of communication and a lack
of role differentiation.
CecasAi
i,adirit;r diSAntc
■ ;
The three divorced individuals
above asked to remain anonymous,
but their problems are so familiar
that the average couple has already
been introduced to these phenom
ena.
The first divorcee, Jean, is a 25-
year-old student at Texas A&M
University. After being married for
five years, she and her husband de
cided that their marriage had failed.
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“I WANTED TO be married. I
wanted companionship above ev
erything else,” she explained.
“At first, we did a few things
separately. Then it go to the point to
where we never saw each other. He
went out with his friends and I
stayed home — feeling like some
kind of martyr,” she said.
“He would probably say that I
was a horrible housekeeper, but I
couldn’t go to school, work and keep
house too unless he helped. But he
had never been taught that. He felt
that women should handle all the
household chores,” she said.
In formulating her early visions of
married life, Jean never anticipated
difficulties in fidfilling her house-
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hold obligations, nor had she ex
pected her husband to have a differ
ent interpretation of marital com
mitments.
A SMILING 27-YEAR-OLD
woman was siting at the bar in Fish
Richard’s Half Century House.
still not emotionally equipped to
withstand the rigors of divorce,” he
said.
AS HER EXPECTATIONS
waned, so did her marriage.
RESULT: Divorce.
Two middle-aged men were sit
ting at the bar in the Ramada Inn,
drinking scotch and water and smok
ing Winstons.
“I spend a lot of time in bars,” the
man minus a wedding ring said. “I
do that because I’m lonely. I’m look-
“What do I think about divorce? I
think it s-—! I don’t even want to
tell anyone that I’ve ever been mar
ried. It’s like a Scarlet Letter,”
Laura said.
“I was married for three years. I
was the bread winner and decision
maker. My husband didn’t care if I
took care of everything — he was
too irresponsible,” she said.
Edwards said that it takes about a
year to get adjusted to new lifestyle.
During that year, divorced indi
viduals will confront some of the
most difficult times in their lives.
For Jean, divorce meant giving
up her family.
“When you've been married for
five years, you and your husband
become a little family. When he
F
What
Sink
And i
ing for friends — companionship;
nothing more than that.
“Why did my marriage bust up
after 27 years? Because we lost
touch. I’m a seaman and my job
kept me away for months at a time.
My wife and I developed different
interests,” Bob said.
“I became increasingly indepen
dent. Maybe it was due to the pres
sures of society — the ERA and all,”
she said.
left, so did my family. I felt ex
tremely lonely,” she said.
“FOR INSTANCE, I love sailing.
I enjoy sailing. I enjoy taking my
son to sailboat races, but my wife
never wanted to go along. The other
families there seemed to have a
BEING A PRODUCT of society’s
current conception of women,
Laura developed individuality and
independence. She and her hus
band were unable to define their
roles in the relationship.
RESULT: Divorce.
AT THE BAR, Bob smiled and
said that housekeeping was the har
dest thing to get used to. But when
he quit chuckling under his breath,
he stared at his glass and said,
“Loneliness.
"I’d hate like hell to go through
life single. I’m finding that out more
everyday,” he added.
much money they are
them,” she said.
"They may be sad on theiiis Wave
but on the outside, they4
make a joke of it,” she
Laura, the 27-year-old ft*
said that some women startftj
a lot and begin looking for a t
“They try to find soenMi
fast to reassure them that ft
still attractive to men,” shea!
Edwards recognizes these
and warns against them.
“Some people go through
ond adolescence. They engag
sexual smorgasboard. At this
they don’t value themselves
much,” he said.
"Divorced persons ma;
involved in many supetf
t ion ships just to avoid the
being alone,” he said.
YET THERE ARE coi
ways to cope with divorce
the most important
discover yourself — realia
own self-worth.
"A counselor helped meson
my goals,” Jean said. “Ism)
longer the wife of a man
his Ph.D., but a rather a
woman working on her Matoi]
Laura found herself going
auto repair stores herself and
ing out tires for ther car. Shi
she was learning that she was
capable of doing odd jobi
the house as any male she
common bond, while I felt out of
place without my wife being with
me,” he said.
“And another thing, She always
belittled my job — but that’s be
cause she didn’t know what my job
was about,” Bob continued.
What’s the problem here? This
couple lacked communication. He
did not listen to his wife talk about
her work and she did not care to
know about his. They had their own
jobs, hobbies and interests and
never discussed or shared any of
them.
RESULT: Divorce.
Hundreds of individuals are find
ing themselves in this similar situa
tion. Some people turn to family
and friends to help them get
through the rough times and others
seek professioanl counseling.
Local psychologist and marrage
counselor Dr. Tom Edwards has
talked with many couples con
templating or undergoing divorce.
Loneliness seems to be the most
overwhelming obstacle to hurdle,
and there must be a hundred ways
to combat it — both good and bad.
Dr. Edwards said a divorced per
son may frequent bars more often,
or begin drinking more heavily.
Jean and Laura alsot
various projects to keep tlieij
— leaving less free time tol|
about being alone.
EDWARDS SUGGESTED]
involvement in communityo
zations and activities couldbi
fective way to cope with <
“PROBABLY, THERE IS noth
ing more devastating to a person
than divorce. Although divorce is
very common and generally ac
cepted in our society, people are
Several bartenders in town note
that this is often the case. One of the
bartenders at Fish Richard's Half-
Century House sees quite a few
young professional men coming in,
usually in groups of three or four.
Some groups, such as l
Without Partners, deal
with the needs of the div
“THEY TALK ABOUT their
wives, the things they used to do
together, where they went and how
"Divorce recovery groupj
people understand whatisk
ing to them,” Edwards said!
viduals can find consolationi:J
ing their feelings and find
that other people are experie]
the same things.”
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Cohabitation for testing, convenienc)
By CINDY JACOBSON
Special to The Battalion
Living together — a test or a
tease?
MANY COUPLES VIEW cohabi
tation as a testing periord before
marriage and some people view it as
sharing space and sex.
One 25-year-old, Joe, said that
while some people may only think
cohabitation is convenient sex and a
way to save money, the experience
proved to be beneficial for him.
Joe and his finance agreed to live
together before marriage to test
their relationship and learn every
thing they could about each other
before they made the final commit
ment.
After six months the couple de
cided they were incompatible and
the engagement dissolved.
YET JOE MAINTAINS that
cohabitaiton was a positive educa
tional experience for him. “I learned
some things about myself that I had
never realized before, and I found
out what it was like to live with
someone — to be responsible for
them,” he said.
Another couple who decided to
live together found the arrangement
comfortable and the end result was
successful. In fact, they are getting
married next April.
Initially, they had not considered
marriage as their ultimage goal.
Their primary reason for living to
gether was convenience.
Phil and Michelle said, “It
seemed natural to live together
since we were constantly together
anyway. It wasn’t practical to keep
two separate apartments.”
ARE THERE advantages to
cohabitation?
“I think so,” Michelle said. "Had
Phil and I jumped into marriage
when we were 18 years old, we
would have had a lot of problems.
But by living together first, we were
able to mature and grow together.
We know what we want for our lives
as individuals and as a couple.”
Phil liked the idea of cohabitation
for other reasons. "I was chicken-
hearted. I was afraid of marriage be
cause we were both still in school
and I couldn’t support her. It was
easier than getting married.”
to our families and friends that we
are making a commitment and we
plan to do our best to work at it.
"When you live together, you
make a commitment to each other,
but not to anyone else.”
Any skeptics in the crowd? Yes —
parents, to name a few.
Michelle’s mother asked, "But
what will you tell your friends?”
And Phil’s dad remarked, "Well,
you know sex isn’t all there is.”
free split. Legally, this is I
William C. Lipsey, a lodj
ney said that in Texas, a
living together can break-upj
out any legal complications!
they enter into a legal bond,!
a joint checking account.
If a couple is married bye
law, however, they can
vorce to settle child custoAl
support and property marten:|
are unable to settle the mattef
of court.
ay.
He <
Holleg
antrac
[lege Si
png mo
LScM.
t
Now he is assured of the relation
ship and he feels he is able to handle
marital responsibilities.
HOW DO THESE people feel
about marriage? All of them agree
that marriage is a great idea.
Joe said, “Marriage is saying that
I’m totally committed to loving you,
and just you. I want to share every
thing with you — not just the
housekeeping, but our lives.”
He sees marriage as the final
commitment. “It shows that we
lived together and it worked. Now e
to make it legal and proper,” Joe
said.
“Also, I want to have a family and
I can’t see raising my kids without
being married. There are too many
negatives attached with raising chil
dren in this type of social environ
ment and I don’t want to put un
necessary burdens on my kids,” he
added.
JOE’S PARENTS DISAP
PROVED of him living with his
fiancee, but he tried to be as open
with them as possible about their re
lationship by discussing with them
any questions they may have had.
As to be expected, most churches
take a stand against cohabitation.
Dr. Kenneth Chafin, paster of
South Main Baptist Church in
Houston, said some people live to
gether because they believe it to be
less costly and less confining. Also,
they think they are less likely to be
hurt.
To be considered marrifj
common-law, a couple must
— Cohabitate.
— Have the mutual intenlj
married; consider themselvesl
ried even without written »|
contract.
— Present themselves toft|
lie as husband and wife.
Uni
JEWY
[•motion
isual r
lewhal
pnts dc
lent in
HOWEVER, EMOTION
THE dissolution of either as
or cohabitational relationsl||
have the same impact.
MICHELLE SAID, “I want to
get married because it will be more
than me saying to him, T love you
and I want to spend the rest of my
life with you,’ but rather it will say
But in Chafin’s opinion, that does
not jusify cohabitation. He said the
couple will experience the same
adjustments and problems as a
newly married couple. The major
difference is the quality of the rela
tionship.
"The casual relationship doesn’t
work out the way people expect it to
most of the time, because it lacks
three important ingredients: per-
manance, commitment, and love.”
Joe said. “When our relatijj
ended, I felt lousy. I wenftl
various stages of depression,^
anger and relief.”
ANOTHER COMMONLY STAT
ED advantage of living together as
opposed to marriage is the hassle-
Michelle speculated thatil'j
lationship with Phil ended 1
feet would be as devastating!
JC
as a divorce would.
THIS
Considering the advantage!
AT
disadvanteages of cohabit!
would these people repeil
course of action?
F
CANC
JOE SAID YES. “I have ml
.carol
MSC ALL NITE
feelings about living with ail
care about. And in regards J
past experience, I feel that 1
from it and I’ll feel more s
relationships in the future. L'
mistake and I learned from it
mistake wasn’t living with mf
cee, the mistake was the re-
ship.
FAIR RELIVES
THE TWENTIES
ALL RECOGNIZED STUDENT ORGANIZATION
ARE INVITED TO HAVE BOOTHS IN THE FAIR,
FEB. 23. ENTRY DEADLINE — DEC. 8.
for more INFO. CALL 845-1515.