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Final Review
Number 253: Volume 55
COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS, MONDAY, APRIL 1, 1957
Price Five Cents
First Female Aggie Signs
Plans to Live in Athletic Dormitory
History Titans
Badly Injured
In Filibusters
Two mighty titans of the
History Department are now
in the Veterinary Hospital re
covering from a discussion
about who is the greatest Fili-
bustei’er in the Department.
From all available sources it is
believed that Di\ Elvis P. Mayliss
won the discussion because be only
had a broken rib and three broken
legs. The noted Dr. Oral Swill was
the sad but wiser loser today with
five missing toes (Mayliss bites)
and a fractured ear^
“It is my opinion that this de
bate has clearly established me,
I mean, I, as the greatest Filibus-
terer since the great Rigor Mortis.
There was a man after my own
heart. He could bore even himself
to death,” stated Mayliss.
In a discussion Mayliss stated,
“In the next meeting of my history
110066% class I plan to show those
bright young things how long I can
talk without breathing.”
The valiant loser, Dr. Swill slat
ted, “I was robbed and that bum
knows it. I demand a rematch.”
Never before in the annals of
this great institution has there
Veen such public interest in a bat
tle of such great voices.
Before the historic discussion
Mayless weighed in at 9414 lbs.
(these weights are including wet
vocal cords) and his worthy op
ponent Swill at 92 9/10 lbs.
Old Square Bolt himself was the
referee. The History Department
didn’t want to seem to be partial so
they went to the Mathatical Sapien
Department for the noted referee.
BULLETIN
Fighting broke out anew in the
embattled History Department to
day, as the two titans of that group
squared away anew in the battle
of the “Best Lecturer on History.”
Oral Swill and Rolp Stain were
quiet during the night but fired
adjectives such as “inacurate”,
Mull” and even “uninteresting”
this morning.
The whole thing was touched off
When a newspaper printed a story
falling Stain “the best lecturer on
the campus”. Later, when a simi
lar story appeared about Swill,
Stain was quoted there as saying
“jokingly”, “At least he’s not the
best lecturer on the campus.”
Swill called on Stain that night
and the present fight developed
after Stain laughed in Swill’s face.
HI Year Tradition Gone
With Regrets From Many
Some Things Are Better Left Unprinted
Army Fliers Go Air Force,
Trigon Explodes In Anger
Grass Lovers
Deplore Clods
For Walking
Attempting to solve the
problem of who gets to walk
on what grass, the newly
sown Grass Committee said
today the problem can be
solved.
Setting a precedent by propos
ing that something be done about
it, they referred it to a committee.
Committee members say they will
talk about the disturbing situation.
“Why those (censored) non-
regs are tramping the chlorophyll
out of the beautiful sprigs on the
drill field,” said Iban Corhappy,
Corpse representative. “There’s
no use having bull tracks all over
our three acres of grass. Why
can’t we keep them bulls off?”
“You could cut them off,” said
scroungy non-reg member of the
committee, Meno Shaver. “Build
a fence around the place.”
Another student suggested
making a parking lot out of the
drill field, but withdrew the idea
since it would only increase the
KK’s opportunity to dash out and
ticket a parked car.
The committee will request to
the senate tomorrow that all grass,
be sprayed with 2-4-D and naptha,
a committee member, Cancha Sneez
said. Sneez said it would be
cheaply done, because the mater
ial would be donated and freshe-
men could do the work.
Lung Cancer
Caused By
A calamity struck the Military I
Science department today as every
one of the 25 Army seniors taking
flight training suddenly switched J
their contracts to the Air Force
and left the Army.
With shouts of glee, the AF
officers pranced down the halls of
the trigon in their abbreviated tor
eador pants, giggling over the sad
looks of the Army officers.
Each of the seniors was under
going intense interrogation in the
army section.
There was but one question in
the minds of the beetle crushers.
“Why?” they asked repeatedly.
Varied aswers came from the
cadets who tried their best to keep
a straight face while being ques
tioned.
One cadet, a long-time sup
porter of the slow army way said
that he became intrigued at the
tremendous speed capable in the
training planes. Another said his
legs got hot in the summer and
that he wanted to wear short
pants.
Lt. Col. Percy Sloth, reserve
Tiger, said he personally was over
joyed at the prospect of having
more cadets to tell war stories
to.
Still another cadet, looking tip
into the tired wrinkled face of
the Captain questioning him said
that he wanted to rise in rank
fast and that “you can’t do it in
the Army. I, too want to be a
Colonel at 22 like the other AF
men.”
Col. H. P. Sittman, chief of the
Tigers said “It just goes to show
that when you have a superior
program, the boys know it and
they want to make it grow.
They’ll soon be men,” he said as
his voice reached the hysterical
stage.
Col. Sittman immediately junmp-
de aboard a T-Bird and started
winging his way to Montgomery
to tell Tiger HQ of his new victory.
With the defection of the army
seniors, the army section began
dismantling their desks and pick
ing up their M-l’s in preparation
for the march back to their home
(See ARMY, Page 2)
Weather Today
NASTY
Tornado Zinna, expected to be
the last big blow of the current
season, should strike about 4:3214
this afternoon, according to A.
Strato Cumulus of the local Cloud-
Watching Society. Cumulus called
Xavier by his two or three friends,
advised residents to take refuge in
the Prehistoric Science and Badwin
Halls until Zinnia blows over.
“That way we all go together,” he
opined.
A sturdy A&M tradition got the ax today as the first
regular term coed signed her registration papers and re
served her room for next fall.
College officials declined to comment on the situation,
saying they were afraid of any adverse publicity sweeping
across the state. In spite of this, there were many
half suppressed smiles and wicked gleams in the aging
eyes of the faculty.
Elsewhere on the campus another mood prevailed. A
heavy gloom hung over the Corps area and the windows
were hung with black cloth. One cynic, whose name was
withheld, said he wondered if the black cloth was for mourn
ing the dead tradition or if 4
the cadets were too lazy to
stay properly dressed since a
girl is on the campus.
The only sound coming
forth from the black shuttered
dorms was moans of “Ole Army’s
gone to Hell.”
The new coed. Miss Betty Pew
of Smell, said she was very happy
to enroll at A&M and especially
to be the first regular term coed
here.
Smiling bashfully, Betty said
that while she had never won a
beauty contest, she had a won
derful personality and just loved
Aggies.
In reserving a room at the
new athletic dormitory, Betty took
another unprecedented step as she
will be the first student to sign
up for the dorm who isn’t a foot
ball player. Betty wasn’t at all
embarrassed when told this. She
said “I just couldn’t turn down
the offer of having snack bar fac
ilities.”
Athletic officials remained mum
on the subject and but did say that
any questions would have to be
directed, by letter, to the athletic
council which would pass them on
to the president. In view of past
experience, a letter was sent three
weeks ago to insure an answer
within the next month.
Betty, enrolling as a sophomore
transfer, said she intended to keep
her record clean because “I cer
tainly don’t want to suffer any of
the many kinds of punishment
used here.”
When asked to explain, she
reeled off a list that included
“midnight or early morning bull
ring, personal service, waxing
floors or marching out in the
country at night for having stolen
a junior’s uniform.”
(See FIRST FEMALE, Page 4)
J
Recent data gleaned from
the files of the Biochemistry
and Nutrition Department
has definitely shown that
lung cancer and sterility in
humans can be attributed to eat
ing meat.
When told of this momentous
news Dr. G. I. Buttrex, head of
the Animal Husbandry Depart
ment pushed a buzzer on his desk
which blew the fourth floor off
the Animal Industries Building
where the BioChem & Nutrition
Department offices are located.
He ran screaming down the
hall crying “It’s a lie!” and fell
sobbing at the feet of Dr. Ibn
Heretoolong, notorious research
expert in the field of cockroach
reproduction.
Dr. Buttrex was carried off to
the Veterinary Hospital in a strait
jacket.
This morning as the news of
the new scientific find was blared
out over all networks and tele
vision stations the Animal Hus
bandry Department was shrouded
in silence.
The building itself was draped
in black crepe as the professors
and laboratory assistants stood
outside in black riding breeches
and black boots. All wore black
string ties with white shirts and
their heads were bared in silence
as the commemorated the passing
of an era.
Prof Admits Under Hypnosis
He Wrote Shakespeare’s Plays
Jubilation was high in the Eng
lish Department today, as a
centuries-old mystery which has
plagued generations of English
professors was solved.
N. W. (Nick) Quickly, mild-
mannered instructor in the depart
ment, revealed last night in a
hypnotic trance that he is actually
the reincarnation of Francis Bacoh,
and that he was the one who
wrote Shakespeare’s plays.
The revelation came at a routine
English meeting in one of those
little rooms marked “professors
only” on the third floor of the
Academic Building last night.
Several department members still
on their feet were listening to C.
D. (Dirty) Lavatory trying to
hypnotise Quickly.
“We never dreamed that we had
such a celebrity in our midst,”
sputtered Dr. U. S. S. (Bloody)
Moran, department head. “Why if
I had only known, we might have
let him teach another Shapespeare
course, or at least try it for a
semester. You know, I’m still not
sure of the true contribution of
these modern writers.”
Also present at the time were
several other professors, many of
whom pleaded a headache when
asked to be interviewed this morn
ing.
“I bane tank that it all big hoax,”
Dr. Ferd Eggfat remarked. “Quick
ly bane one goot friend to me but
I not sure.”
Other reaction to the announce
ment was varied. Dr. D. B. (Windy)
Cougher, college tripe custodian,
said that the event was unpre
cedented since the time that a
Range and Forestry sophomore
named Ludwig Banshf claimed to
be the real writer of Charles Dar
win’s “Origin of the Species.”
“That was about April 9, 1914,
or no maybe it was nearer April
17 because that was the year that
the new mess hall. . . no wait, that
was 1913, so it. . .” Cougher mum
bled into his paste pot.
When asked for comment, Dr.
Ralph Waldo Hayes puffed up his
cheeks, rocked back on his heels
and, turning to the blackboard
wrote “I personally, will follow the
dictates of my own conscience.”
Cecil B. Esten hurried by, but
flung back over his shoulder
“That’s all very well, but the show
must go on, The plays the thing,
you know.” Esten was carrying
an armload of lumber, all the
scenery for his latest production,
“Pauline’s Perils.”
Karl Alarmist simply said “You
will please, please excuse me, but I
don’t think I want to say anything,
please.”
The Bobbsey twins of the Eng
lish Department, Meftie and Betty,
said nothing, only giggled in the
room marked “for women profs
only”.
Vic Wino, Billy Cantgo and Percy
Bysshe Martin were in another
corner giggling.
Quickley himself, seemingly un
moved by the furor he was raising,
went about his work as usual but
stopped to talk to the press on
his way from the Academic Build
ing to his Uncle’s cabin.
“I always did like my work in
writing these plays and things, and
last night, after we had had the
refreshments served and ole Dirty
was talking, it all seemed to come
back in a flood.”
Just then a small dachshound ran
by, and Quickly, seeming to remem
ber something, averted his face and
scurried away.
C. G. (Spike) BLACK —is shown with a sheepish ( ?) look on his face after contacting
Metropolitan Opera Co. of New’ York City to appear in a Town Closet Production. Man
ager of the Met refused to let his company perform for $285. Horn (we mean Spike)
scratching his head with a hoof, said he couldn’t understand it. Everyone else came down
for $250.