GUION HALL
PREVUE SATURDAY — 10:30 P.M.
Sunday & Monday
THE ULTRA*
NEW LOOK
IN
MUSICALS!
o
10 TERRIFIC
NEW
TOP POP
TUNES!
uith
MaxQJiulman
(Author of "Barefoot Boy With Cheek,” etc.)
DECEMBER AND MAY: ACT I
Of all the creatures that inhabit the earth, none is so fair, so warm,
so toothsome,'as a coed.
This is a simple fact, well-known to every campus male, and, to
most campus males, a source of rejoicing. But not to all. To some,
the creamy brows and twinkling limbs of coeds are a bane and a
burden. To whom? To professors, that’s whom.
Professors, according to latest scientific advice, are human. Stick
them and they bleed, pinch them and they hurt, ring a dinner bell
and they salivate, comfront them with a round young coed and
their ears go back, even as yours and mine.
But, by and large, they contain themselves. After all, they are
men of high principle and decorum, and besides, the board of regents
has got stoolies all over. So, by and large, they contain themselves.
But not always. Every now and then a coed will come along who
is just too gorgeous to resist, and a professor — his clutch worn out
from years of struggle — will slip and fall. White though his hair,
multitudinous though his degrees, Phi Beta Kappa though his key,
he is as lovesick, moonstruck, and impaled as any freshman.
But he’s far worse off than any freshman. After all, a freshman
can thump his leg, put on his linen duster, and take out after the
coed with mad abandon. But what can the poor smitten prof do?
How, in his position, can he go courting a young girl undergraduate?
In this column and the next one, I am going to deal with this
difficult question. I will relate to you, in the form of a two act play,
an account of a professor’s attempt to woo a coed.
The scene is a typical office in a typical liberal arts building on
a typical campus. In this shabby setting, we find two men. Professor's
’ Twonkey and Phipps. They are lumpy and bent, in the manner of
English lit professors.
Phipps: Twonkey, a terrible thing has happened to me. A terrible,
ghastly thing! I’ve fallen in love with a coed.
Twonkey: Now, now, that’s not so terrible.
Phipps: Oh, but it is. Miss McF’etridge—for that is her name —is
a student, a girl of nineteen. How would her parents feel if they
knew I was gawking at her and refusing my food and writing her
name on frosty windowpanes with my fingernail?
Twonkey : Come now, Phipps, no need to carry on so. You’re not
the first teacher to cast warm eyes at a coed, you know.
Phipps: You mean it’s happened to you too?
Twonkey: But of course. Many times.
Phipps: What did you do about it?
Twonkey : Looked at their knees. It never fails, Phipps. No matter
how pretty a girl is, her knees are bound to be knobby and bony and
the least romantic of objects.
Phipps: Not Miss McFetridge’s —for that is her name. They are
soft and round and dimpled. Also pink.
Twonkey: Really? Well, I’ll tell you something, Phipps. If I
ever found a girl with pink knees, I’d marry her.
Phipps : It is my fondest wish, but how can I, a professor of fifty,
start a courtship with a girl of 19?
Twonkey: Very simple.*Ask her to come to your office for a
conference late tomorrow afternoon. When she arrives, be urbane, be
charming. Ask her to sit down. Give her a cigarette.
Phipps: A Philip Morris.
Twonkey: But of course.
Phipps: I just wanted to be sure you mentioned the name. They’re
paying for this column.
Twonkey: Give her a Philip Morris.
Phipps: That’s right.
Twonkey : Then light her Philip Morris and light one yourself.
Say some frightfully witty things about English lit. Be gay. Be
insouciant. Keep her laughing for an hour or so. Then look at your
watch. Cry out in surprise that you had no idea it was this late.
Insist on driving her home.
Phipps: Yes, yes?
Twonkey: On the way home, drive past that movie house that
shows French films. Stop your car, as though on a sudden impulse.
Tell her that you’ve heard the movie was delightfully Gallic and
naughty. Ask her if she’d like to see it.
Phipps: Yes, yes?
Twonkey: After the movie, say to her in a jocular, offhand way
that after such a fine French movie, the only logical thing would be
a fine French dinner. Take her to a funny little place you know,
with candles and checked tablecloths. Ply her with burgundy and
Philip Morris. Be witty. Be gay. Be Gallic . . . How can a nineteen
year old girl resist such blandishments?
Phipps: Twonkey, you’re a genius! This will be like shooting fish
in a 1 arr 1. .. But I wonder if it isn’t taking unfair advantage of
the .ittle innocent.
Twonkey: Nonsense, Phipps. All’s fair in love and war.
Phipps: You’re right, by Geoi'ge. I’ll do it!
(So ends Act I. Next week, Act II)
©Max Shulman, 1954
Rkis column is brought to you by the makers of PHILIP MORRIS
who think you would enjoy their cigarette.
The Battalion
The Editorial Policy of The Battalion
Represents the Views of the Student Editors
The Battalion, official newspaper of the Agricultural and Mechan
ical College of Texas, is published by students four times a week, during
the regular school year. During the summer terms, and examination
and vacation periods. The Battalion is published twice a week. Days oi
publications are Tuesday through Friday for the regular school year,
and Tuesday and Thursday during examination and vacation periods
and the summer terms. Subscription rates $9.00 per year or $ .75 pei
month. Advertising rates furnished on request.
Entered as second-class
matter at Post Office at
College Station, Texas
Under the Act of Con
gress of March 3, 1870.
Member of
The Associated Press
Represented nationally by
National Advertising
Services, Inc., at New
York City, Chicago, Los
Angeles, and San Fran
cisco.
The Associated Press is entitled exclusively to the use for republi
cation of all news dispatches credited to it or not otherwise credited in
the paper and local news of spontaneous origin published herein. Rights
of republication of all other matter herein are also reserved.
News contributions may be made by telephone (4-5444 or 4-7604) or
at the editorial office room, 202 Goodwin Hall. Classified ads may be
placed by telephone (4-5324) or at the Student Publication Office,
Room 207 Goodwin Hall.
BOB BORISKIE, HARRI BAKER Co-Editors
Jon Kinslow Managing Editor
Jerry Wizig Sports Editor
Don Shepard, Bill Fullerton News Editors
Ralph Cole City Editor
Jim Neighbors, Welton Jones, Paul Savage Reporters
Mrs. Jo Ann Cocanoughcr Women’s Editor
Miss Betsy Burchard A&M Consolidated Correspondent
Maurice Ohan A&M Consolidated Sports Correspondent
Battalion Editorials
Page 2
THE BATTALION
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 12 ,1954
Very Importan t. People
The Battalion would like to extend its
welcome to the many visitors who will be
on the campus this weekend—to both the
specially invited guests here for Fall Mili-
Same Song
Houston, home of Rice institute, is just
far enough from College Station to be good
driving distance.
This means a lot of Rice fans are going
to be driving on A&M’s already-overcrowded
campus Saturday. And this in turn means
that the residents—the students and faculty
—are going to have to be extra careful about
their driving.
Incidentally, if anybody’s getting tired of
seeing these quaint little messages about
safety every week, all you have to do to shut
us up is drive so safely that there won’t be
a need for them.
tary Day and to the hundreds of other people
who just came up to see a son or a football
game.
Both groups of you are important to
A&M. One group is important because it
is composed of people who are “wheels” and
control part of the school’s immediate fu
ture.
And the other group is just as important,
because it is composed of the people who
pay taxes, send sons to school, and watch
closely over what goes on here.
These people, in their quiet way, exert
more influence over A&M’s long-range des
tiny than anyone else.
Tomorrow, the corps of cadets of A&M,
men in training to be civilian soldiers, will
parade before you civilians and soldiers.
Watch fhem closely. We think you can
be proud of them, and of your school.
Review
Cadet Slouch
by James Earle
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(Continued from Page 1)
Camera men from Humble Oil
company’s “Texas in Review” pro
gram will be at the review to film
it for later telecast.
Because of the review, the corps
of cadets will not march into the
2 p.m. game as usual.
Saturday morning classes will
be held earlier and cut short to
allow cadets time to get ready for
the review.
Here is the schedule:
Scheduled Will Meet
8 7 -7:45
9 , 7:50-8:30
10 , 8:40-9:20
11 9:30-10:10
The visitors were invited by
President David H. Morgan td be
guests of the college.
“We hope to make this an an
nual affair, lik® the spring Mili
tary Day,” said Col. Joe E. Davis,
commandant.
The annual Military Day held in
the spring, which includes a re
view and the Military Ball, has in
the past attracted many high-
ranking military men.
Last Dav — Clark Gable
“BETRAYED”
and Donald O’Connor in
“I LOVE MELVIN” — Color
— Saturday Only —
“BLACK EAGLE” — and
“WAR OF THE WORLDS”
— Sunday —
“SUSAN SLEPT HERE”
WUAD’VA SAV
CAM TE.L.U BV TMfs LOOK
ki VOUQL S.VE TUAT 'VOU.
MOVE ME. ' AUK GiretuS DO?
VOU CAM K!t>S ME WOW/
lM FORT WORTH
STAR-TELEGRAM
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Kiwanis Club Will Sell
Box Lunches Saturday
Box lunches will be sold by the
Kiwanis club from 11 p.m. until
game time, according to Woody
Briles, chairman of the finance
committee.
Boxes, which are $1> will be sold
at eight posts. A new post at the
North gate bus stop has been ad-
TODAY
ded for this week’s game with
Luther Jones and Eugene Rush in
charge.
Other important places are: the
traffic circle, Sid Loveless and
Mike Kremitsky; West Gate, Char
les Lomatte and S. A. Kerley; East
Gate, R. O. Berry and C. L. God
frey; Consolidated high school, W.
F. Adams and Doyle Letbetter;
main entrance from Houston, Bob
Shrode and Kubby Manning.
All funds raised are used to
benefit youth of this community.
Briles said the money is used
mostly to aid crippled and under
privileged children.
Baylor Law Dean
To Speak Tuesday
Dean McCall, dean of the Bay
lor university School of Law, will
speak to the Pre-Law society
Tuesday at 7:30 p.m. in room 2B
of the Memorial Student Center.
McCall was graduated from the
Baylor School of Law in 1938, re
ceiving the highest academic ever
attained at the school. During
World War II he served with the
Federal Bureau of Investigation.
AME
DDRESS
ITY STATE.
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Five Get Wings
Five graduates of A&M will re
ceive their pilot wings Monday at
Reese air force base, Texas. They
are 2nd Lts. Sterling D. Goode,
Alvin L. Langford, George D.
Martin, John L. Merrill and Gene
V. Rydell, all graduates of the
class of ’53.
HEY AGGIES . . .
Got The Word?
It’s MUMS
For Both the Game and the Dance
SEE YOUR DORM REPRESENTATIVE
_____ _ Or Come By
STUDENT FLORAL
CONCESSION
Across from the Main Entrance to New Area
LI’L ABNER
By A1 Capp
P O G O
By Walt Kelly
Larry Lightfoot.
P'educed by Di r »c*ed by Screen Pie/ by
AME HIH-IWIS KINS-SEW MES
Circulation Manager.