THE BATTALION
3
GREAT MEN OF ALL AGES.
Editors Note:—The editors of The
Battalion, after years of persistent
effort and the outlay of large royal
ties have obtained the exclusive rights
to publish the works of Prof. Wartan
Lactax, B. S., a man who has dedicat
ed the greater portion of his life to
the enlightenment of the masses.
The first article in this educational
course deals with some hitherto un
known points in the life of Michael
Angelo.
Michael Angelo.
The text, or rather pretext, of this
brief resume is the life history of the
painter, sculptor and he-vamp of the
rennaissance, Michael Angelo.
Michael Angelo was the greatest of
all painters—prior to the introduction
of modern cosmetics.
Michael was born at a very early
age in Rome. It is argued that he was
born in the Appian Way but it has
since been proven that it was in the
Customary Way.
Mike was a very precocious young
ster and at the unsophisticated age
of four, while he still played with im
itation marbles, he bested his father
in an argument over the catydids on
the front porch of the Erectheum.
His father was deaf and dumbfounded.
After Michael had obtained his ma
jority and had cast his first vote with
the same artistic acumen as he cast
his shadows, his fame as an artist was
assured. In fact, he drew up Rome’s
constitution which was noted for its
billiousness.
Mike was a very eccentric person
age and every thing he did was for the
love of Mike.
His greatest work was done in ceil
ing-wax when he was commissioned
by Pope Piecrus III, to execute a few
figures on the ceiling of the Sistine
Chapel.
This is said to be his highest con
tribution to art because it took the
tallest step ladder in Rome to climb
up to the figures. This highly pleased
the Pope and, as a token of appre
ciation, he gave Mike a free ticket
from purgatory. Mike, the he-vamp
that he was, deserved a round-trip
ticket.
Michael Angelo was thoroughly dis
gusted with his most appetizing work,
the sequal to Andrea del Sarto’s “The
Last supper” entitled “The Return of
the Swallow.” When he handed this
painting to its purchaser he said:
“Go hang it.”
As the years passed, Michael An
gelo got older and older, and, finally,
he naturally died—or rather, he died
a natural death but his name still
rings down the corridors of time.
THE QUESTION BOX.
Dear Q. and A.: I am a young
football star, playing on the high
school team in my home town. The
coach says I must not smoke cigar
ettes, but I claim a man isn’t much
of a star if he can’t smoke as many
cigarettes as William S. Hart smokes
in the pictures. Am I right or is the
coach right. Andy.
Dear Andy: No football player in
condition can afford to smoke cigar
ettes. William S. Hart probably
smokes them because they are inex
pensive, and moving picture stars
can’t afford to smoke cigars.
* * *
Dear Sportville: If a man kicks
you in a football game, is it sports
manlike to kick him in return? And
if so, is it better to kick him between
the lamps or among the teeth?
Bert, the Brute.
Dear Bert: Among the teeth. If
they are false teeth you could call
it a fake kick.
* * *
Dear Strolls: I am a young girl
student at college and my hero is a
halfback. I think he is simply grand,
but he eats garlic and calls on me
and sings “Kiss Me Again.” Should
I tell him not to eat garlic, or will
you ? Pearl Pieface.
You tell him, Pief ace. I haven’t
got the crust. —Chronicle.
YOU DON’T SAY!
Don’t you tell ’em, Registrar’s of
fice—its only a matter of course to
you.
* * *
Don’t you tell ’em corn flakes—
haven’t time for a serial.
* * *
Don’t you tell ’em Textile Dept.—
all you do is spin yarns.
* * ❖
Don’t you tell ’em Big Ben—lose
too much time.
❖ i{j *
Don’t you tell ’em Charlie Nitch—
you’re too old to press your suit.
* * *
Don’t you tell ’em Paris Garter—
everybody knows you are a hold-up.
:J: * *
Don’t you tell ’em analytics—
there’s too much plothering about
you.
Prohibition and probation—who
said misery loves company ?
Lost in transit—somewhere between
here and Galveston—one pink letter
addressed to Mr. Russell Smith. Re
turn to 2020 Ave. L., Galveston.
GATHERED FRAGMENTS.
WHEN OLD A. AND M. DIES
When the lion eats grass like an ox,
And the fishworm swallows the whale;
When terrapins knit woolen socks,
And the hare is outrun by the snail;
When serpents walk upright like men,
And doodlebugs travel like frogs;
When insects in summer are rare,
And snuff never makes people sneeze;
When fish creep over dry land,
And mules upon bicycles ride;
When foxes lay eggs in the sand,
And women in dress take no pride;
When dutchmen no longer drink beer,
And girls take to preaching in time;
When the billy goat butts from the
rear,
And treason’s no longer a crime;
When the humming bird brays like an
ass,
And limburger smells like cologne;
When plow shares are made out of
glass,
And our biscuits are not like stones;
When ideas grow in a Jackass’s head,
And wool on a hydraulic ram;
Then Old A. and M. will be dead,
And the country won’t be worth a
* * ❖
If an opinion will die, will an olive?
If Taft weighs 300 pounds, how
much does Broadway?
If the Queen of England had ap
pendicitis, would a wireless operator?
If a baby cries, will a moth ball?
If a man is not allowed to beat his
wife, can a carpet beater?
If an electric car were to fall over,
would an air break ?
* * *
“Mother, may I a-riding go?”
“Yes, my sweet Lucile;
But give your friend this sound advice
‘Keep one hand on the wheel!’ ”
—Dodger.
* * *
Nobody sees
A big hole
In a little
Girl’s stocking,
But a little
Hole in a big
Girl’s stocking
Will start a
Parade.
* * *
She was young and pretty.
He was young and clever.
They kissed.
He wrote a poem commemorating
the event.
Again they met. f f ,
The events which occurred during
their walk along the country road
were rich, rare and racy.
They were parting.
“You should be able to write a
book now,” she whispered.
When you see a fellow smile
Makes your want to hang around
a while.
And when you stop to think it out,
It clears things up and leaves no
doubt.
You worry little about the final
count,
You care still less about the amount
Of all the things that come your way
When you can conscientiously say:
“My friends I count for what they are
And their worth above par.
—C. C. B. W.
ONE OF THE REASONS.
A committee appointed to plan the
tableaux to be given by the Baptist
group was choosing characters for
the cast.
Said she: “Oh! yes, Tanlac has the
angel costume!”
Mr. Brackett: Yes, and he’ll make
a good angel, too.”
And she: Oh! no! Mr. Brackett,
he wouldn’t do—he’s a Methodist!”
SPEAKING OF XMAS PLANTS
Some favor holly berries red,
Some like the Yule-log’s glow;
But the Christmas plant that suits my
taste,
Is the helpful mistletoe.
When you hear a fellow moaning
that the times are hard as hell and it
makes you want to start groaning,
you can tell the world that, well you
are letting the other fellow put some
thing by and the only thing you can
do is to wonder why that every move
you start to make some other guy
has made a rake and swept the table
clean.
College Proverbs.
Many co-eds believe in making
headway while the moon shines.
If brevity is the soul of wit, there’s
nothing funny about a college chapel
service.
To play poker is human; to win,
divine.
Tourist (gazing at volcano):
“Looks like hell, doesn’t it?”
Native: “How you Americans have
traveled!”—Harvard Harpoon.
—Exchange.
Rub-My-Tism cures bruises, cuts,
sores, tetter, etc.
THE GUY WHO PLAYS
ON THE SCRUBS
Now sing, if you will, of the ’Varsity
star.
Who plunges thru oceans of gore;
Sing in the praise of his startling
plays,
The fifty-yd runs for a score.
Your song is the song of the star
who shines,
My song is the song of the dub;
So when you have done, let us sing,
everyone,
Of the guy who plays on the Scrub.
The stars who win amid the din
Are praised with wide acclaim;
But the unknown dub who plays on
the Scrub
Is the one who perfects his game;.
He takes his bumps, absorbs his
thumps.
With not one to tell his story;
But his heart is true as the skies are
blue.
Who gets thumped for another’s
glory.
So sing, if you will, of the plays that
thrill.
And cheer for the stars of the
game;
I’ll sing of the chumps who take
their thumps
That others may win to fame.
I’ll sing of the Scrub, the mutt arid
the dub,
Who never break into story;
For his heart is true as the skies
are blue
Who gets thumped for another’s
glory.—Ex.
UNITED STATES CIVIL-
SERVICE EXAMINATION.
RESOLUTIONS OF THE SENIOR
CLASS UPON THE DEATH OF
LIEUTENANT S. U. SCOTT
Assistant in Boys’ and Girls’ Club
Work, $2,500-$3,300—Receipt of
Applications to Close Jan. 25.
We, the members of the Senior
Class, submit the following resolu
tions on the death of our friend, com
panion and fellow student, Samuel
Urban Scott.
Whereas, In His infinite wisdom it
has pleased the good Father to call
unto Him this beloved brother of our
class, Samuel Urban Scott,
Therefore, Be it resolved by the
members of the Senior Class that our
deepest and most heartfelt sympathies
and condolence be offered to the fam
ily of Samuel Urban Scott.
Resolved, That a copy of this reso
lution be sent to his family and rela
tives, and that a copy be furnished
The Battalion, the Bryan Eagle, and
the publication of his home city, Dick
son, Tennessee.
(Signed)
P. N. VINTHER,
J. E. BLOODWORTH,
A. S. LEGG,
E. L. ROBINSON.
1 The College Studio fj
jj NOW OPEN
= If you have friends they should have your photograph. HI
FRAMES MADE TO ORDER.
Kodak Finishing of the Better Kind
III
PROFESSOR STANGEL
WEDS CAMPUS GIRL
DURING HOLIDAYS
HaswelPs Book Store
WE SELL
EASTMAN KODAKS AND SUPPLIES
ATHLETIC GOODS
Cadets Are Invited to Call
The United States Civil Service
Commission announces an open com
petitive examination for assistants in
Boys’ and Girls’ Club Work, for men
and women, at salaries ranging from
$2,000 to $,3,300 a year, to fill one or
more vacancies in the States Relations
Service, Department of Agriculture,
for duty in Washington, D. C., and
future vacancies requiring similar
qualifications, unless it is found in
the interest of the service to fill any
vacancy by reinstatement, transfer,
or promotion. Certification to fill
these positions will be made from
those attaining the highest percent
age in the examination.
Citizenship and Sex.—All citizens
of the United States who/.^eet " L ,he
requirements '^oth ms-- , hi u
may enter this examination; appoint-] f
ing officers, however, have the le*gal
right to specify the sex desired in re
questing certification of eligibles.
Duties.—The duties of the Ap
pointee will be to work in a group of
States in promoting the development
of cooperative extension work in ag
riculture and home economics between
the land-grant colleges and U. S. De
partment of Agriculture as it relates
to the Boys’ and Girls’ Clubs in the
various States.
Subjects and Weights. — Compet
itors will not be required to report for
written examination at any place, but
will be first rated on the following
subjects, which will have the relative
weights indicated:
Subjects:
One by one the young bachelors of
the A. and M. community are tiring of
Bachelor Hall and single life in gen
eral. The latest to become a bene
dict is professor W. L. “Runt”
Stangel of the Animal Husbandry De
partment, widely known as Coach of
the International Livestock Judging
Teams representing A. and M. at the
Chicago show. On December 29th, at
Jacksonville, at the home of the bride,
Miss Ruth Cannon and Prof. Stangel
were united in the bonds of matri
mony. Immediately afterwards the
young couple departed for a Honey
moon trip to San Antonio and Hous
ton, returning to College on January
4th. The many friends of Mr. and
Mrs. Stangel extend their congratula
tions and a most hearty welcome to
the Campus. Mrs. Stangel has been
at the College for some time in the
President’s Office as assistant to Dr.
Bizzell. Prof. Stangel is a graduate
of the College, his nickname of “Runt”
being a souvenir of his cadet days.
Stephan Bottling Works
GEO. STEPHAN, Proprietor
CHOICE BOTTLED DRINKS, SODA WATER, ETC.
Boys Ask Dealers For Our Goods
*
COLORADO AGGIES.
C. A. C. won their fourth cham
pionship in football when they de
feated Denver University by score
of ;14-0.
Send Her a Box
of Candy
For Christmas.
Smith Drug Co.
J. A, McQUEEN, Manager.
Bryan Texas
IN. A. STEWART
i: DRUGGIST
*i *
$ | And Druggists Sundries ;;
Q
:: KODAKS and SUPPLIES
• •
• •
J’ Next to City National Bank
| Building
Weights
Education
. . . 25
Experience
. . . 50
Thesis and publications.
. . . 25
N
Total
... 100
Applications. — Applicants should
at once apply for Form 2118, stating
the title of the examination desired,
to the Civil Service Commission, New
Orleans, La.
Applications should be properly ex
ecuted, excluding the medical certif
icate, and must be filed with the Civil
Service Commission, Washington, D.
C., with the material required, prior
to the hour of closing business on
January 25, 1921.
The exact title of the examination,
as given at the head of this announce
ment, should be stated in the applica
tion form.
Preference.—Applicants entitled to
prefenerce should attach to their ap
plications their original discharge, or
a photostat or certified copy thereof,
or their official record of service,
which will be returned after inspection
by the Commission.
Issued December 11, 1920.
OH, HENRY!
I Beg Your Pardon.
He held out his big, strong arms
to receive me. I flew into them. His
great masculine hands held me firm
ly but oh, how tenderly! He looked
at me lovingly and his eyes shone
with a strange light, they gleamed
with strange desire. But suddenly
he pushed me from him, held me at
arm’s length from him. My pursuers
were upon me when, instead of
guarding me, he gave me a quick
push, then, grinningly, savagely kick
ed me from him! And then—a shout
went up,
“What a wonderful punt!”
—Ex.
im
I't
What Is Vacuum?
I
F THE traffic policeman did not hold up his hand and control the
automobiles and wagons and people there would be collisions,
confusion, and but little progress in any direction. His business
is to direct.
The physicist who tries to obtain a vacuum that is nearly perfect
has a problem somewhat like that of the traffic policeman. Air is
composed of molecules—billions and billions of them flying about
in all directions and often colliding. The physicist’s pump is designed
to make the molecules travel in one direction — out through the
exhaust. The molecules are much too small to be seen even with a
microscope, but the pump jogs them along and at least starts them in
the right direction.
A perfect vacuum would be one in which there is not a single free
molecule.
For over forty years scientists have been trying to pump and jog
and herd more molecules out ol vessels. There are still in the best
vacuum obtainable more molecules per cubic centimeter than there
are people in the world, in other words, about two billion. Whenever
a new jogging device is invented, it becomes possible to eject a few
million more molecules.
The Research Laboratories of the General Electric Company have
spent years in trying to drive more and more molecules of air from
containers. The chief purpose has been to study the effects obtained,
as, for example, the boiling away of metals in a vacuum.
This investigation of high vacua had unexpected results. It
became possible to make better X - ray tubes — better because the
X-rays could be controlled; to make the electron tubes now so essen
tial in long-range wireless communication more efficient and trust
worthy; and to develop an entirely new type of incandescent lamp,
one which is filled with a gas and which gives more light than any of
the older lamps.
No one can foretell what will be the outcome of research in pure
science. New i knowledge, new ideas inevitably are gained. And
sooner or later this new knowledge, these new ideas find a practical
application. For this reason the primary purpose of the Research
Laboratories of the General Electric Company is the broadening of
human knowledge.
Electric
General Office
Schenectady, N.Y.