8
THE BATTALION
HAWKSHAW INSPECTS
Leaning serenely in a big rocker,
feet resting on high, body relaxed,
a Travis Club in the corner of his
mouth, with that contented, self-
assured, saintly expression, closely
akin to that facial contortion as
sumed by one who is about to effect
the deliverance of sinners, on his
face, reposed our worthy individual
of perfect unquestionable character.
The slueth of sleuths, the hound of
hounds, the one man who has filled
the hearts of evildoers with fear and
timidity, the backbone of merciless
justice in and about the seat of the
county of Brazos. A close inspec
tion of his noble features portrayed
nothing of the nature of the mys
teries which were, at this very mo
ment, being solved behind that sto
ical mask.
And then suddenly, as a bolt from
a clear sky, his meditations and de
ductions were interrupted by a
thought. What could it mean? Had
not his pregnant mind already given
birth to one thought today? His
feet descended sharply to the floor,
his whole being grew tense and
trembled even as the champion shim-
miers of Jazz Land are wont to do.
So great was the effect of this idea
that it is doubtful whether the aver
age man could have borne up under
its tremendous weight, but this man
of men, with his supermind, easily
overcame this unexpected and inop
portune appearance of a thought.
Through a series of deductions he at
last came to the cause and origin of
this phenomena, a sense of duty.
Duty was calling and far be it from
him to shirk the responsibilities thus
thrust upon him. Why possibly—
and, yes, probably—there could be
no doubt of it, there was now being
perpetuated the most heinous of
crimes out at this lair of thugs, cut
throats, and blood thirsty criminals.
He must hurry. There was no time
to lose. Perhaps some one’s life de
pended upon the speed and velocity
with which he should hurl himself at
the throat of these monsters.
Arising swiftly and quietly he
glided—after having produced a
package of gum and a stick of
licorice—out to where his powerful
motor car awaited him. The mag
nificent lines of his racer were sil
houetted against a background of
wondrous beauty. The sun had dis
appeared behind the spires of the
Mexican Chili Parlor across the
street perhaps an hour ago, a beau
tiful crescent moon was beaming
down upon the fair city, and the
heavens were studded with twinkl
ing diamonds. No doubt these
twinkling eyes were carrying on a
flirtation with the many fireflies as
they flitted to and from the piles of
refuse which littered the environ
ments of the locality. Ah, it was an
ideal night for work such as his.
His mechanical grey hound, in its
long graceful sleekness, was in readi
ness to fulfill his most minute whim
and desire. In order that this thing
of unlimited potential strength
might become invested with life, he
stepped to its head and with his hand
described a few revolutions in the
air. Fluctuatingly at first and then
steady, a mighty statacco reverber
ated and resounded through the still
night air. It was even as the guns
of many armies, yes, even as the
bellowing of a thousand bulls, this
challenge that issued from this thing
of glistening metal. Snakelike he
eeled behind its controls and into the
velvety softness o' fits unholstery.
Finally, after divers motions of our
worthy’s pedal appendages the car
shot forward, down the elegant
thoroughfare, and out onto the
glassy pike, headed south.
This daredevil, on whose counten
ance there was expressed deep de
termination and power of will, drove
his thundering car at break neck
speed without thought of personal
safety, regardless of all laws anil
regulations, resolved to gain his ob
jective at all hazards. Suddenly,
while careening along at this mad
rate, our sleuth detected, above the
roar of the engine, an unusual sound
seemingly issuing from the rear of
his machine. Surely there could be
nothing wrong with the mechanism.
What could it be? His great de
ductive mind at once began an an
alysis of this mystery. It was grow
ing more distinct, this creaking, ratt
ling noise, mixed with a steady thud-
thud-thud. Was it possible that there
could be another contrivance cap
able of attaining the great speed at
which he was vehiculating. Re
moving his eyes from the roadway,
where they had been glued, for the
fraction of a second and gfancing
over his shoulder, he beheld a dark
object whose outline he was barely
able to discern in the pale light of
the moon. Indeed, it was some one
attempting to outdistance him. “He
shall not pass.” With this phrase
stamped indelibly on his very soul,
our master deducer grasped both
speed control levers and pulled them
back the limit, so far, in fact, that
they met just back of the steering
pest. With a sputter and increased
roar the pride of Detroit did not fail
him, but gradually left its advex’sary,
and tore through the night air at
meteoric rapidity. Forsooth it might
have been a closer race had not one
of the outdistanced competitor’s
wheels collapsed. This accident
awoke the mossy “gent” of color in
his rickety vehicle; and induced the
aw-boned, knock-kneed, cause of the
forward movement to cease his ef
forts, and to take advantage of this
to him, fortunate misfortune, and
rest his angular physique by nibbling
at the honey suckle alongside the
road.
By this time our flying disciple of
righteousness had turned in the
front entrance of his destination and
was seeking a place to seclude his
machine, while he should investigate
and confront these bloody criminals
with the strong arm of the law. Hav
ing discovered a favorable spot, he
alighted and making sure that he
had with him all devices and accou
terments necessary for the success
ful apprehension of these nefarious,
flagitious, and unlawful men whom
he should chance to meet, he set otf
on his tour of inspection, nostrils
alert for the slightest scent. On the
black bristles of his upper lip were
numerous little struggling moon
beams caught there now and again
by no will of their own, and in one
of his hip pockets there rested, snug
ly his plug of licorice. Discarding
his cud cud of wax, he inserted in its
stead a mighty chunk of the black
stuff and was prepared to encounter
the foe.
Stealthily, subtly, clandestinely, he
approached the place of hibernation
of his suspects. He reached the
portals, hesitated a moment, and en
tered. Once inside he hesitated
again and then ventured on. He't
was the rendezvous of the culprits.
The corridor was quite dark and the
rooms seemed to be deserted. His
trusty incandescent lighting the way,
he tiptoed noiselessly down the hall.
He had progressed but a few steps
when a low indescribable sound,
bourne on an atmosphere of nervous
apprehension, penetrated his sensi
tive drums. It issued seemingly
from a point ahead and to the left of
his present position. Cautiously, on
hands and knees, ears thrown for
ward, nostrils wide, and with his del
icate senses aroused to the highest
point of efficiency, he advanced. His
mind began to run an analysis of this
unknown vibration in the ether.
Listening intently he noticed that the
sound came in intervals, each one of
which consisted of a low rattling-,
rolling, sound, fast at first but grad
ually slowing down to a standstill,
and mixed with a shary snap and
smothered exclamation. Now he was
just outside the door, when, sudden
ly, all was quiet as the tomb. Gently
grasping the knob he rose to his
feet, waited a moment, and slipped
into the room.
“Cursed shalt thou be when thou
comest in, and cursed shalt thou be
when thou goest out,” so read the
one around whom the rest were
gathered. Looking up from his
Bible the reader scrutinized the in
truder from head to foot, nodded
gravely, asked this sudden apparition
to have a seat, and continued th 3
perusal of God’s book. The new
comer, glancing around at the circle
of serious faces a moment, turned
and relieved the room of his pres
ence. If our master detective’s brain
had not been so befuddled, perhaps
he would have wondered whether the
word “sack holder,” which came
floating out after him, was in the
Bible. But his present state of mind
that of acute dissappointment and
bewildered astonishment, he was
barely able to navigate much less
able to concentrate.
But they should not all foil him.
He must find some one to arrest. On
he strode, somewhat taken aback,
but still game. A casual ray from
his light disclosed a queer formation
just in front of him on the floor.
Stooping to examine it more close
ly, he uttered a cry of exclamation.
Could it be possible? Pulling out his
magnifier, he proceeded to investi
gate with the aid of his super
smeller and anti-cross eye glasses.
Yes, there was the characteristic
grease an dodor. There could be no
question as to the correctness of his
deduction. It was the track of a
meal-hound. By all means he must
capture it as one of these beasts
roaming at large is a danger and
menace to mankind. The greasy im-
printsled him down the corridor, up
the steps to the second floor, and
ended before a door closely resembl
ing all the other doors in appearance.
The odor thereabouts reminded our
Hawk’s olfactory nerves of the kitch
en. Trying the knob, on which was
smeared morsels of food, he found it
locked. What was to be done? Cer
tainly there was no use in tracing
the tracks backward as it is not
customary, in fact, it is almost un
heard of for a meal-hound to walk
backward. So another good pros
pect had to be abandoned.
Greatly discouraged, our Hawk-
shaw made his way into the night
air. Perhaps the refreshing air was
the cause, perhaps not, maybe it was
just a mental accident, but, never-
the less, he had another thought. The
stolen gold-bricks. He had not yet
scourged the place in an effort to lo
cate the thiefs. He would do so
immediately. This time he entered
another habitat, a building at the ex
treme norther end of the locality.
Using all his divers paraphernalia,
he searched the place, its inmates,
and their possessions; but to no
avail. The gold-bricks were not to
be found, high or low. Finally des
pairing of finding the stolen metal,
he gave up. Indeed the disposition
is a good place to conceal this prec
ious power. Our famous Hawkshaw,
hurt and griped to his very soul,
wended his weary way back to his
waiting steed, mounted, and headed
back in the direction from whence he
came.
’23
DREAMING
Last night as I lay a dreaming
I had a dream so fair.
I dreamed I saw a Sophomore
A sitting in my chair.
His hands were bound behind him;
His feet were tied before.
And Fish, in countless numbers.
Stood just outside the door.
They werely stood and waited.
Each with a club or belt,
Until the lonely Sophomore
Could almot feel each welt.
Then they calmly took their places
Along both sides the hall
While turned loose the Sophomore,
To run that gauntlet tall.
And as he passed each Freshman,
A blow he did receive,
Dealt in a heartfelt manner;
And none for him did grieve.
When thrice around that hall-way
The Sophomore had run.
The Fish turned on the shower.
And his day’s work was done.
They watched him as he vanished,
In fierce', unholy glee,
A sadder, wiser Sophomore
Than he was wont to be.
Just as the Soph’more vanished.
The Fish, with one loud yell,
Gave vent to all their feelings
And doomed the Sophs to Hell!
But as the echoes died away,
The Fish all vanished, too;
And rudly was awakened by:
“Say, Freshman, I need you.”
So thus my bright dream ended.
As have all my dreams before;
And everyone was ruined by
That same D Sophomore.
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M. H. JAMES
The Rexall Drug Store
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