20
THE BATTALION
EXTRACT FROM FISH JAMES
BUZWELL IPs DIARY.
April 1. Altho it’s my holiday the
chem, prof, picked on me as usual.
He asked me where the Transvael
was. I don’t know why the whole
class laughed when I answered India.
I guess they never learned geogra
phy. The prof, looked rather sleepy
today and never exploded when I told
him silver had a valence of five. I
guess he must have had a letter from
her today, because he kept turning
back his book and peeping in; then
he’d chuckle and nod his head with
out hearing a word of my most val
uable recitation.
April 3. I know I’m the chem,.
prof’s, pet now. He always starts
at the end of the lesson. I always get
the first question and give him plenty
of information they forget to bring.
Today he asked me the formula for
acetylaminobencenesulfonamide. I
told him H .O, because that’s the only
formula I’ve mastered in his course.
I guess it wasn’t right, because he
spent the remainder of the period
putting C’s and H’s on the board and
connecting them with lines. I guess
he was trying for a map of Texas,
but it looked more like Lousiana.
We are using a very excellent text
book written by Mr. Smith. We
know it’s good, because the prof, says
so. I don’t believe he ever reads it
however, because he always gets all
red in the face when we ask him any
questions out of it. I turned clear
to the back of the book today and
looked for a compound with big for
mula. Then I called the name of it
and told the prof, my uncle wrote me
about it since he had heard that one
of the prof’s used it to restore falling
hairs. I thing my uncle said his name
was Prof. Rock. The prof, told me
to look it up so I’d remember it.
April 8. I bumped into that other
prof, they say’s in love. He has a
very sad look and spends many hours
gazing toward the extension build
ing. I don’t see how a lean hungry
prof, could get that way. I heard
another deep, red secret. O! mother
scandal tear out mine eyes if it is
not said this same learned man was
seen supporting the hand of a fair
maiden while awaiting the inter city
limited.
They say this fever which comes
with the Spring is very bad in the
chem. department. It’s reported that
the little grandma who guards the
organic chemicals is now engaged for
the nineteenth time. I could not be
lieve such scandal, had I not seen him
touring the city of Bryan in the front
seat. She had both hands on the
wheel however.
April 9. I went to hear a sleepy
chem. lecture today. I was just be
ginning to snore when I heard the
roof going up. I revived in time to
see Prof. Brayton rounding the cor
ner of the lecture room in less than
10 flat. I think he must be used to
dodging explosions. My heart goes
out to the poor man, because he’s
only been married three years and
looks as if he’d been hen-pecked for
forty.
April 13. Dad came to visit me to
day. He put up in the livery stable
called Shirley Hotel. He said he
saved a life that day. A cock roach
nearly drowned in the syrup on the
table cloth. Since dad was feeling
charitable, he pulled him out by the
whiskers. Now he’s afraid mother
will make him spend the winter in the
barn. He gave me a quarter and
pledged me to silence in regard to his
new acquaintances. I think the Shirley
Hotel is the center of the universe.
The cock-roach Bible says the Eve
cock-roach ate the apple in the Shir
ley garden. All the grandmothers
still remain, but the more active gen
erations have been transported, with
out railway strikes, to the four cor
ners of this good old, round globe,
called the earth.
April 14. I went to chem. lab. as
usual. The prof, gave me my fourth
unknown. He’s fooled me everytime
with distilled water and indigo. Af
ter I finish my analysis, he always
says there were some metals in the
water. I go thru the cook book they
had us buy, but it doesn’t work; so
I always guess water. Today I fool
ed the prof, and gave him a regular
menagerie of metals. He said, ‘Very
good James Buzwell only those are
not the right ones.’ Then he put a
mark where my O usually goes. It
re ad—70. I guess that is just as
good as anything, but my average
might fall below 0. Dad might not
realize how much I’m learning about
agriculture.
April 17. I found out how to pass
my chem. today without even a D
exam. Graves put me next to that
member of the fair sex whom they
say has a stand in with all the single
prof’s. I sent her a stick of candy
bearin a note, telling her how much
I love my prof’s. I hear they’re go
ing to try a new book in chem. next
year. I hope I don’t have to add
another to my library. Dad says he
doesn’t know what they do with all
the money they ‘rake off’ on those
books every year.
April 21. O! back to nature to seek
the self adjusting engagement ring.
It is reported that one of the chem.
prof’s, has been found with a heart
which is Moore Wood than Stone.
Last night we held a smut session.
The topic of the evening was “How
will Robert Sheare get his Mustache
trimmed if the barbers raise the price
of hair cuts to seventy-five cents?”
Prof. Stone’s class is presenting him
with a bottle of herpicide—sh-sh—
they doped it with arsenic—to save
him from that going-going-gone feel
ing. It bears a proviso for the shar
ing with Scheare to help those care
fully counted whiskers with a com
ing-coming-come feeling.
April 23. O! vile slanderous ton
gues. They say Prof. Spieth got
vamped last week, but just at the
Edge of following Prof. Riffenburg
nearly suffered a change of heart
when he found a handsome ‘Fish’ in
competition. He’s contemplating a
job in a woman hater’s monastery for
next year.
May 8. The wildest rumors are
still circulating. The chem. prof,
took in the R. V. hop and has worn
smoked glasses ever since is said to
have only temporarily injured his
eyes since the scholarly man was not
used to such sights.
May 22. I took the prof, to the
picture- show before he got the pa
pers graded.
May 23 I FLUNKED. Ready for
the battle next year.
’23
CAN THE FRESHMEN SHOOT?
The competitive drill between
companies disclosed some interesting
facts. The Sophs and Juniors did
well, but the Freshmen came out of
the contest with a higher percentage
of marksmen than any other class.
There are forty men competiting on
the rifle range and fifteen of these
are Fish. What percentages does
this make when one considers the
fact that the Sophs and Juniors have
had years of experience?
Fish Walker, Bartholomew, and
Murray represented the Fish on the
College Gallery Team which shot in
the Southern Department Competi
tion of the R. O. T. C. Fish Parke,
A. L., held high place in the company
competition with a score of 175. The
following Freshmen were selected to
compete for places on the Range
Team: Bartholomew; Bridges, A.
J.; Castle, W. S.; Cunningham, J.
F.; De Stefano, Dick; Fenstermaker,
J. M.; Helzapfel, R. O.; McDonald,
H. R.; Murray, W. B.; Newman, L.
P.; Park, A. L.; Walker, W. W.;
Wilson, E. B.; and White, W. B.
❖
V
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