THE BATTALION
19
THE BULL.
THE ARGUMENT.
PREXY.
Next there rose before our eyes
A man we know so well;
And there he stood in towering size
And began his story to tell.
In the year 1971 there assembled on the plains of Heaven a select
group of angels—very select, in fact. Their numbers were few. They
were old A. and M. men when their spirits lived in mortal bodies. The
chairman of the meeting—once President of A. and M.—raised his stately
height on an old stump and thus began his speech:
“Now boys, I’ll be as brief as brief
can be
And explain these things my best;
I’ll tell you of the thing that others
see
And let you guess the rest.
“I’m a lady-killer from away on
back;
And shaking a leg is a peach of a
game.
Tho many’s the time I’ve held the
sack,
More times than I care to name.
“One more thing and then I’m thru,
I ask you to call and hope you shall,
If e’er a thing that I can do,
Not as a friend but a true old
pal.”
“Fellow angels, I have calley you together this evening because some
things have come up that I think you ought to know about. In the first
place I want to tell you about a little trip I made last week. I journeyed
over to where I could see thre Heavens Gate down to the World. And I
saw down there a small green spot, it appeared to be; but when I took out
my glasses, I discovered that it was in reality about a mile square, as mor
tals measure distances, and was thickly studded with buildings. Somehow
it had a familiar look to me, and I found, by consulting my ‘Handbook of
Celestial Engineering and Geography’, that it was College Station, Texas,
U. S. A., Te Earth. It made me sorta homesick to see the old place again.
But, since we can’t go down, I have thought out this plan. We shall invite
our A. and M. brothers under Satan’s dominion to meet us in mass meeting
next Sunday afternoon. We shall talk over old times. How many of you
are in favor of that?”
A score of hands shot up. The vote was unanimous. A permit blank
was immediately filled out and dispatched to the Throne. It was granted
and the invitation sent. An “experience meeting was
proclaimed and hosts of A. and M. men
came up and so from this
meeting envolved
THIS
Pre'y before us now stands;
Chining afar is the part in his hair,
Nervously now he wrings his hands,
Thus far a moment; then linger
they there.
“Now come I to speak with all candor
In this little family talk of ours,
As you’re not the goose nor I the
gander,
Then what’s the use of roses and
flowers ?
“As I walked along in my rolling gait
With both my palms to the rear,
I thought I’d tell you and tell you
straight
The reason for this gathering here.
“This is the reason for calling the
corps,
To hear what I have to say,
’Tis simply this and nothing more,
Count me a friend to your lying
day.”
THE ANTHOLOGY OF ANOTHER COLLEGE
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B. R. AVENT
Gentlemen, I have certainly been
impressed with the reception you
have accorded us up here today. You
have no idea what a relief it is to
escape from that tropical climate
down there. Do you know, I have
conducted experiments down under
the direction of Dr. Douglas that
have conclusively proven that the
heat generated there in one hour
would, if converted into mechanical
work, furnish power enough to keep
the earth turning at its present rate
for ten years, eleven days and thirty-
one seconds. Such a waste of powei
should not be allowed and I move
that the Board of Directors be asked
to assign Mr. Brown of the steam
engineering department, the job of
putting in Corliss engines in those
regions.
Gentlemen, my intensely scien
tific spirit has been greatly grati
fied to find, in my journey up here,
that my estimation of the distance of
the sun from the earth, which I gave
out in 1921 while a mortal, was only
27.3 per cent off. I have also ob
served that in the last twenty-five
years, the earth has lost .0016 of a
revolution. I never did think much
of this leap year proposition and this
proves that its theory is wrong. I
washed my hands before I came up
here, but I got them all sooty when
I tried on my way up to catch a
piece of lightning to examine. How
ever if you will kindly lend me a
piece of soap and pay attention. I’ll
try to give you some idea of how
this soot is cut away by this soap
whose chemical formula is Na., C 7 —
an—er—C. and—er—well, I’m not
used to remembering chemical for
mulae : I had a section of chemical
engineers down on earth who al
ways told me the formulae. But this
one is something like Na., C„—er—
I can’t think of it right now—Na 0 C.
—and—wait a minute; I’ll ask Dr.
Silvey.
’22
R. DEMOSTHENES BRACKETT
Ladies and gentlemen—er—I mean
gentlemen! I do not know that 1
should have the nerve to speak to
day. I have been too lately passed
from mortal life to have a celestial
view of matters. (Besides the Judge
hasn’t passed on me yet, and I don’t
know what crowd I belong with.)
But I have been used to trying not
to take life seriously. I used to
teach Wordsworth and Ethics of the
Dust to a bunch of Sophomores
and it would have been suicide to
take them seriously. I once had ap
preciation for poetry but they
knocked it out of me.
While on earth, I made a close
study of Hell, theoretically, accord
ing to Hoyle and Milton and partic
ularly in the Dramatic Club. I don’t
care to say that I like it. But since
coming here I have noted one thing
that particularly interested me on
earth—how winds are produced. I
take no little pride in the fact that
my method of wind production was
as efficient as any I have seen in the
celestial regions.
As I have said, I have lately been
at A. and M. The chairman of this
bull-pen, I noticed, remarked that he
saw a particularly verdant green
spot at College Station. Well, 1
gave her that. By nature, I am an
agriculturalist and during my stay
on earth I contributed my mite to
the proper nourishment of the lawns
and fields of Texas A. and M. I
lived to see it grow into a great col
lege without a taint of Bolshevism.
By the way, my theory of Bolshevism
was correct too—I called it a “hal
lucination of the stomach”. I set
my foot on its neck whenever I saw
it rise. I yielded my life’s breath in
defense of civilization. I drank
freely of the lamp of knowledge.
To the world I gave—what’s that!
Gentlemen you may safely lower
your feet to the floor: I am done!
I did not come to Heaven to be in
sulted !
’22
C. E. FRILEY
As Registrar of the College I feel
it my duty to say a few words in
behalf of our esteemed friend of
the Horticultural Department. It
was impossible for him to be pres
ent today as he is busily engaged in
teaching Satan’s followers howj to
raise a garden of Eden under ad
verse conditions and severe drouth.
Therefore I shall tell you his story.
“Doctor Cold Frame Blackie,” we
call him “Doc” because it makes him
smile; we call him “Cold Frame”
partly because he thinks everyone in
the world should have one whether
he lives at the North Pole or the
equator, and partly because that
seems to be what his flesh is hung
on; we call him “Blackie” for the
same reason that we call big Keen
“Tiny”. His head is as lustrous
as a piece of polished ivory, and it
even rivals the sun in brilliance
when he says, “Mr. Cull T. Vater,
will you please rise and expound on
the importance of planting onions
and potatoes alternately in the same
rows for self-irrigation purposes?”
“Cold Frame” came into the lime
light when he successfully grafted
a milkweed onto an egg plant and
produced an egg custard plant.
Ever since that date he has been
widely in demand as a lecturer, but
on account of his extensive re
searches and experiments in plant
examination he has been unable to
accept these invitations. Just now
he is engaged in trying to cross a
horse-radish with an elephant’s-ear
in order to get a hybrid flower which
will resemble the roots of a legum
inous plant, and at the same time
carry the delicate scent of nascent
garlic. He claims that such a flower
when grown only in small numbers
in a field will lure the elusive, trifl
ing and invisible nitrogen from the
Aurora Borealis into the terra firma
no matter how great the distance so
long as it is measured in millimeters
by an old maid’s tape measure. This,
according to “Cold Fi’ame” will de
crease the cost of fertilizers, which
would mean that in octillion genera
tions of a flea beetle the H. C. L.
would be reduced to the present
price of a hair-cut at the Exchange
Store.
“Doc” did condescend to make one
lecture before the Pecan Sheller’s
Union. On this momentous occasion
he ably treated a scientific subject
which as yet remains unexplained by
the Gass Blowers’ Society of the
Universe. The title of this thrilling
lecture was, “If Easter Lily Will For-
Get-Me-Not Will Johnny-Jump-Up
Snap-Dragon?” He has promised to
honor us soon with another lecture
in which he promises to make clear
to all men who are inclined to go
to sleep in his classes, that there is
a preceptible difference in the
truncus artiosus and sinus venosus
variety of onions. Everyone not
troubled with insomnia is vitally in
terested in this question, because
one of these varieties is very luc-
ious and we can all eat just an im
mense amount of them.
’22
M. A. MILLER, M. A.
You can talk to me about the
glory of youth! That’s all rot. I
had charge of the Young Men’s
Christian Association one year at A.
and M. and I know. Didn’t I talk
to them reasonably about the picture
show and place ropes around the aiv-
dome to show them where the doors
were? And they went under them,
over them and through them! Do you
think they didn’t see them? I admit
that certain pictures we had were in
spots, wild enough to make men for
get themselves and spit tobacco
juice all over the floor—another vi
olation of my regulations—and it
grieved my heart every time I heard
a wild outburst of yelling for I
knew that some poor girl was doing
things on the screen that her mother
would not have allowed in the front
parlor and of which I myself do not
approve. Men are worse than wo
men. And did I not place signs to
remind the students not to smoke or
wear hats in the “Y”? And one day
a man came in singing something
about “You Can’t Get Any Loving
Where There ’Aint any Love.” I
had an English class. Yes, with M.
A. in front of my name and after
it as well, I taught Sophomore com
position. I ground my teeth in dis
gust every time I entered that room.
And when some young block-head
would deliberately misuse the com
ma nineteen times in a two page
theme, I swore that, for such mal
ignancy of spirit, he should never
pass that course. I am proud to say
that I kept my oath. Talk to me of
youth! Did they not scream and
howl at my lyceum concerts? I
admit it pleased the musicians but
that is not the way for a group of
college men to conduct themselves.
You never saw me laugh out loud!
Don’t tell me of the glory of youth—
I know!