NO
DRILL
1 SATURDAY 1
Volume 61
Special April Fools Edition
THE SQUADRON
All The News That Fits, We Print
COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1964
no
I CLASSES I
S TOMORROW i
Number 22
Quadron Overthrow
Conspiracy Reported
Totalitarians I
Approve
New
10
I
1
The report of a conspiracy by Core freshmen to take
over the Quadron, A&M’s largest tool shed, was confirmed
Tuesday with the interception of a ciphered message written
on the tables in the Memorial Stark Sinner coffee shop.
A message, reading “I hate this damn place,” was found
cleverly hidden under 4,000 coffee cups, two Class of ’63
seniors, and a Win With Wilkie sign in the campus intel
lectual center.
Immediately taken to the third floor of the Academic
Building for expert decoding, the impending threat was
analyzed by C. K. Stetson who informed Col. Edsel Butcher,
Commandant of the Core.
Rings
By I. W. HARPER
Squadron Culture Writer
Ten different Senior rings
were approved by the Stu
dent Totalitarians in a
special meeting Tuesday
night in the Sinner.
After a hot debate between the
non-regs and the Core that last
ed for about two hours, 41 min
utes and 16.8 seconds, the stu
dent dictators agreed on a com
promise.
The Core boys proposed 18 dif
ferent rings, while the non-regs
suggested that since Aggies don’t
lie, cheat or steal, they shouldn’t
he given rings.
In explaining his proposition,
non-reg dictator Mutt Lyre said,
"Most people look at a ring on
a recent graduate’s finger and
wonder to themselves how much
he had to lie, cheat or steal to
get that ring. Since Aggies don’t
lie, cheat or steal, we shouldn’t
wear rings, because if we do wear
rings people will think we lie,
cheat or steal, and we don’t want
them to get the impression that
Aggies don’t lie, cheat or steal.”
Core representative Bobby Smi
thsonian violently disagreed with
Lyre, “You’re all wet, Mutt,” said
Smithsonian, beating Lyre over
the head with a cigarette butt.
Lyre, held at saber point by the
chief honcho of the totalitarians,
Roberta Harlandowski, finally
agreed to the compromise of 10
rings.
The totalitarians decision is
final. Beginning next year, the
following rings will be worn:
1. Students completing four
years in the Core will be allowed
to wear the present ring, pro
viding they complete their aca
demic obligations in the same
four-year period.
2. Four-year Core veterans who
take five, six, or seven years to
finish will get the same ring, but
will be docked one star for every
extra semester they spend chasing
down their degree.
3. Non-reg seniors who have
survived two years of Core life
will have “I Made It Two Years”
stamped on the back of their ring.
4. Non-regs who could only
stand the Core less than two
years will have the eagle in the
ring replaced by a chicken.
5. Transfer students will have
the eagle in their ring replaced by
an impressive TR and will have
the rifle, saber, cannon combo re
placed with three cookies.
6. Students who do not speak
English in the mess hall will have
Texas A&M University written
in their native language.
7. Athletes’ rings will be ma
roon and white with a miniature
Henderson Hotel stamped on one
side and either winner or loser
stamped on the other side.
8. Married coeds will have pink
rings with green flowers on them.
9. Some coeds will have solid
white rings.
10. Other coeds will have dull
gray rings.
Col. Butcher, in a memor
able statement to The Squad
ron, said he couldn’t care
less.
“I couldn’t care less,”
Butcher said.
Informed sources reported
though, that extraordinary pre
cautions were being taken by
Quadron officials to prevent open
hostilities. Coffee breaks will
be limited to 10 a day, and Rev
eille will accompany the officers
to the Sinner.
Large baracades and thousands
of copies of the Articles of the
Kadet Core have been stacked
around the Quadron, manned by
Kampus Kops armed to the teeth
with parking tickets. “We’ll write
on anyone who comes within a
hundrt yards,” a security officer
mumbled. “50-40 or fight,” an
other replied.
Squadron reporters were unable
to locate Core leaders, who had
been unexpectedly called away
on a field trip to the clay pits,
but a freshman who had been left
in charge said that the revolt
centered around a recent order
demanding that fish be more
polite to upperclassmen.
In an official release, flown by
carrier pigeons through the bara
cades, the Quadron reaffirmed it
couldn’t care less.
Non-Regs Meet Buddies
All civilian students are invited to a come-as-you-are
party tomorrow afternoon in the Grove, said Richard Less,
prexy of the Non-Reg Conclave.
The purpose of the party will be to allow the civilians to
meet their roommates as well as the non-regs across the
hall, said Less.
Dress will be informal as worn on the campus. Less
urged the civilians not to shave, shine their shoes, take a
bath, wear clean clothes or anything different from their
regular campus wear.
A contest will be held to select Mr. Grode of A&M.
Points will be given for sloppiness and body odor. A special
B.O. meter will be used in the test, said Less.
“We expect a close race as all the non-Corps students
are in the running,” Less told this reporter from a respect
able distance.
Ag Critical
After Fight
With Bullneck
Marvin Snodgrass, junior bas
ketweaving major from Plaino,
Texas, was reported in critical
condition at the Student Health
Center by Dr. (Bloody) Repulsed
after the student was set upon
and nearly killed by a plate of
bullneck in Sbtzykisa Dining Hall
Tuesday at the noon meal.
Frank Nuisance, director of the
campus dining halls said regret
fully that the accident should not
have happened because, “all din
ing hall employees have the
strictest orders that meat must at
least be unconscious before it is
served to the student body.
Willard Upjohn, waiter for
Snodgrass at the time of the acci
dent gave this account of the
accident.
“We were serving those de
licious meatballs and spagetti
that the students like so much
and Snodgrass, who was working
the hot corner, sent me back for
more bullneck.
“I distinctly remember one of
the cooks clubbing my particular
bowl of food and we usually don’t
take enough to the tables in one
helping to be dangerous should it
ever get loose.
“I stopped at his (Snodgrass)
table and just as I handed him
the bowl, some of those slimy
pieces of spagetti slipped over
the side of the bowl and wrapped
around his arms. I hesitated a
moment and then before anyone
could do anything, that awful
bowl of bullneck was on top of
him. It was (eucccccch) terri—
uh would you excuse me?”
Upjohn is also listed in fair
condition at the campus hospital.
Repulsed, a magician with a
traveling medicine show before
coming to A&M told The Squad
ron, “We’ll give them some pills
and send ’em home.”
Campus Leaders In Conference . _ ___
I 11 a closed meeting- Tuesday campus leaders est officer selection instrument is J. Wayne
stit’ of the “
°oers. About to activate the Sinners new-
KK’s Arrested
For Drag Racing
The whole group of Kampus
Kops were arrested by the Hot
Rodders Association Tuesday for
trying to learn how to drive,
reported an uninformed source.
The penney-colored men were
in the parking lot behind Crying
Field trying to drag their late
model autos. Since none of the
ticket distributors had drivers
licenses they were immediately
expected to drive on campus in
the fashion accepted, the source
said. He went on to say that they
could not drive unless they were
writing out a ticket for parking
in areas where no one else
parked.
The source said the KK’s were
in their official uniform of chick
en feathers and slime. He said
they were patrolling the south
640 while conspirators were steal
ing the motor out of a 1912
cor jet in the parking area.
After ample time had been giv
en for the motor to be pulled,
they pushed their cars to the
Crying Field lot and were discus
sing the advantages of not using
the clutch when taking off in
neutral. Someone suggested writ
ing parking tickets but this was
voted down in .favor of learing
to drive.
Mae West Performs At Town Hall
Miss Mae West put on a special performance appear before the student body. She was
at Town Hall last weekend, auditioning be- attacked and severly bitten by a large mon-
fore a selected board of A&M culture ex- grel dog, whose owner cannot be located
perts. Unfortunately Miss West will not for comment.
Enrollment Problem Solved
Undercover Work
With Ag
After suffering from the prob
lem of decreasing enrollment for
the past few years, A&M broke
through the barrier yesterday as
Dean of Students James P. (Han
dy) Gan announced a tremendous
increase in the usual number of
transfer student applications.
“The majority of the tran
scripts seem to be coming from
Cokkie-pusher U. in Austin. In
fact, it appears that the entire
male student body of C.U. is
trying to get into A&M.
President of the C.U. Board
of Regents Harry Rancid gave
the following statement about
his student body’s decision short
ly before jumping from his office
high atop the famous C.U. water-
tower.
“It seems as though the in
dependent male students as well
as the frat-rats could no longer
hope to get even a coke date on
the C.U. campus because those
A-Gyes from College Station had
all the girls sewed up for years
to come, and the boys decided
to get whatever those A-Gyes
have. As soon as the girls hear
about the boys decision to join
the Core, we expect them to move
to College Station too.
(Handy) Gan was quick to dis
appoint the aspiring Aggies-to-be
as he announced that of the
12,694% transcripts received and
students interviewed, few quali
fied as even near the strict A-
type standards.
The major reasons for disquali
fication listed by Gan were; no
Robert P. Morning, member of
the A&M Jay Department was
killed Tuesday by an unknown
assailant who apparently placed
a group of high explosives in his
memeograph machine.
Dr. Johnny Marauder, acting
head of the department, said that
Morning was working late, run
ning off a 45-page form which
would ultimately replace all forms
that had come from his office
this year.
“It was getting so that you
couldn’t get into his office be
cause of all the forms, and he
had begun taking up class time
discussing ways to rid himself of
the nuisance,” said Marauder.
“One of the students came up
with the idea of the all-purpose
form and although he went along
with it, the forms had become so
much a part of his life that it is
probably best that he was put
hair on their chests, mothers who
insisted upon attending with their
sons, weak constitutions and
various charges of carrying
wands in their pockets.
North Gate merchant Lou Po
announced that he was coming to
the aid of the C.U. students by
opening a trading post on Guada
lupe Street (The Drag) in Austin.
He stated for Squadron reporters
that he intended to sell senior
boots, sabers and various A&M
uniforms in the store. He also
plans to take some items in trade.
He cautioned, however, “Chaps,
spurs and old worn-out or rustled
steers will bring very little in
trade. After all, who wants
them. I will take a few though
to keep the civilians at A&M
happy.”
Meanwhile, the registrar at
C.U. announced that the boys
“Why can’t Aggies be gross in
Gunion Theatre like they used to
be?” Dean of Students James P.
(Handy) Gan asked Core General
Paula Undresser late Tuesday
night.
“It seems like another tradition
is dying,” Deenie (Handy) Gan
cried.
out of his misery,” continued
Marauder.
Jay Department secretary Mrs.
Judy Swisho was outside Morn
ing’s office at the time the acci
dent occurred and upon reaching
his body she heard these last
words pass his lips, “Always
(drool) ask (drool, drool) just one
more (drool) question!”
John Spear, Business Adminis
tration reject to the Jay Depart
ment had this to say when asked
if he had any idea who committed
the atrocity, “It was probably
Benjy Matrulam. He’s the only
one that does anything around
this department anyway.”
Eddie Pal, head of the Kampus
Kops Korps was reported to be
combing the Brazos River bot
toms in search of happy journal
ism majors who were reportedly
celebrating the death of their
beloved professor.
there had dropped out of school
for the remainder of the year.
“One told me that he had to
do something to get his 53 lb.
body into shape for the rigors of
his fish year at A&M.”
A check with the Austin Medi
cal Association showed that the
majority of prospective A-Gyes
had engaged psychiatrists to aid
them in getting over the trauma
tic experience of having their
long, curly hair cut off and being
away from their parents, house
mothers and air - conditioned
dorms.
A check with Col. Edsel Butch
er, commandant of the Core of
Cadets revealed plans to form a
squadron for the new cadets.
“With their wings and natural
ability to fly, how can anyone
consider putting them in Army
ROTC.
nation to offer: “Students are
getting the impression that
Gunion Theatre was erected for
cultural entertainment. They
seem to forget that it is a place
where Aggies can go to relieve
themselves from the hazards of
dorm life. Just because some
females have begun attending
Gunion on the weekend, the
Cadets think they can’t be gross.
That’s where they’re wrong. Any
girl who would attend Gunion de
serves to hear the everyday Aggie
slang that used to prevail in the
good ’ol days.”
(Handy) Gan said he would
encourage the Gunion Finer Arts
Committee to start showing films
that would encourage Aggies to
come out with some of the cute,
gross sayings heard in past years.
Undresser agreed to co-operate
by sending a memo to each Core
unit encouraging grossness in
Gunion. He said he would back
up the memo with another memo
encouraging Cadetees to read the
first memo.
Richard Less, head of the non-
reg movement on campus, con
ferred with (Handy) Gan early
Wednesday morning and pledged
his support to the program which
the Deenie Weenie described as
“Let’s Get More Gross Into
Gunion Since That Is What It
Was Built For.”
Gan told a Squadron reporter
just before press time that if con
ditions in Gunion don’t get worse
in the next few weeks, the theatre
will be closed.
Undresser had only this expla-
Memeo Machine Blast Kills
A&M Jay Department Wheel
Gunion Grossness
Subject Of Drive